To Molly: As She Turns 3

Good Golly, Miss Molly,

Look at you, my Big Girl! 

Here you are today, three and so full of piss and vinegar, it is almost impossible to contain. Your mother calls you her "threen-ager." I kind of love that. It perfectly encapsulates the animating life force that is so strong within you. Some might call you stubborn but I prefer to see you as persistent and independent. Hold onto these traits, dear one. The world is not always kind to women who pursue their own paths but the strength of conviction you possess will change a lot of minds. Keep dancing like you don't care who is watching, keep singing with a full heart and full voice, and keep pushing limits, even when it might get you into a bit of trouble. 

This past year hasn't been easy and with any luck at all, the biggest blessing to come out of this worldwide misery is that you won't remember most of it. I credit much of that to the normalcy that your parents tried desperately to maintain in your everyday life. There has been a lot of sadness and stress in the world this year but your small corner of it has been mercifully less messed up than most. Even though this is your second birthday of the pandemic and family gatherings are still restricted, I have no doubt that the celebration will be exciting and fun because Mom and Dad will make it so. There are so many people that wish they could be with you today but circumstances being as they are means that Zoom and FaceTime now act as poor but necessary substitutes for in-person visits. It pains me that you have become such an expert FaceTimer but while I hate that the computer is often in our way, I thank God for its presence during these horrific lockdowns and separations. I can't even imagine what our lives would have been like this year without it. You have also been blessed with a wonderful preschool that has followed all Covid protocols and has, thus far, remained open throughout the entire year. You love going there and have made so many friends. It is unfortunate that you can't yet have playdates outside of school but watching you socialize with kids your own age and learning so much from such wonderfully caring teachers has been a special part of this year. I love seeing the excitement on your face when you run to the school door.

There are things that I desperately wish you never had to know about. Learning how to wear a mask is not a lesson I would have ever thought someone would have had to teach you. Having two Covid birthdays really sucks. Online learning for the last half of your first year in preschool was less than optimum, as was being forced inside for months at a time. I know that Mom and Dad were concerned about how all of this new normal might affect you but, to their immense credit, it seems to have had minimal effect. Watching you blow past us on your scooter last week made me realize that no matter how fragile we think kids are, you guys always surprise us with your learning abilities and resilience. 

It is easy to think about all of the things that we have missed this year, listing them would take two of these letters, but I am trying to be more focused on what we've been able to do together. We have lit Shabbat candles as an extended family every single week since this madness began and when travel became impossible, we invited Grandma and Grandpa to join us from Ohio. Watching you search the Zoom screen for your Uncle Daniel while totally ignoring the rest of us, has been a weekly joke. (I think he is secretly slipping you chocolate on the weekends.) Knowing that you are learning the blessings at school and trying to replicate them at home is lovely for this Jewish Bubby to witness. I hold onto the together times with a jealous ferocity, even though most have been online, because I refuse to sacrifice any of it to this misery. I can't wait for hugs, parties, reading, sleepovers, holidays, cooking lessons, jumping in puddles, sing-a-thons, snuggles,  treasure hunts, and movies to resume. I will never again take any of it for granted and I will cherish every single moment we spend together.

There are changes coming to your family this year. I know that some of them might seem jarring at first but all of it is great. You will be moving to a new home with wonderful new space and outdoor play areas. No worries. Mom, Dad, and Gus get to come too and so many people who love you will come to visit very soon. Change is the mechanism for growth and even though it might seem a bit scary, in August you will welcome a sibling. There is no relationship in a person's life that is as long lasting nor as intuitive as that of siblings. A sibling knows you from cradle to grave. If you play your cards right, she will be your best friend forever. She won't be the same as you and she might not like everything you like to do but she will love you unconditionally from her first breath and will depend on you to help guide her early on. She might play with your toys when you don't want her to or she might wear clothes that you have long since grown out of. There will be times when she will make you really angry. When the anger subsides, always forgive. Never stop talking to each other and understand your differences. A bit of jealousy is normal but the love you will feel for her will overtake it. Go with that emotion. It is stronger and should win out. It is a big responsibility but also a great gift. Be gentle, understanding, supportive, and non-judgemental. It will take some time to develop the relationship but it is my dearest hope that it will be deep-rooted and enduring. Honestly, the idea of you as a big sister tickles and thrills me all at the same time.

There is a lot going on right now. It is a lot to digest for most grown-ups, let alone a girl of three. You keep being you and the outside stuff will hopefully take care of itself. If the world becomes a bit too much for you to handle every now and then, Zoom chat with Bubby and we'll sing, dance, or read together. And very soon, we will do it ALL in person. 

Happy Birthday, my heart. 

May it be fun, exciting, filled with balloons, cake and lots of treats.

Love you to the moon and back again.

Love,

Bubby

 

Another Trip Around the Sun Part Finale

And finally...

I hope that this holy week of my birthday finds you all in good spirits and health. If you have spent the time immersed with food, family, and festivities, I hope that you all are still speaking to one another and that your crazy Conservative, DoFo-supporting uncle has been dispatched to the tiny closet under the stairs. If you have been travelling, I hope that there has been no motion sickness and that the sun gods have been shining upon you. If you have found yourself at work, I hope it has been a quiet week and that you have found new uses for the copy machine. And if you have just been Netflixing at home, I hope you have found something great that you are willing to share with me.

Here is the final part of my list. Again, here is a reminder of the rules. This is not a resolution list. Those are for suckers. If you want to gain weight, make a new year's resolution to diet. These are merely a few of the things that I have learned this year and hope to carry forward. If you like them, feel free to adopt them as your own. I don't even require a hat-tip. If not, simply pretend that you found my journal in a bedroom drawer and are glued to it to see if I reveal any sex advice. If you would like to peruse parts 1, 2, or 3 of this list, click on the links.

• A few minutes of quiet solitude every day is renewing. I bought a pair of socks this summer that read "Go Away. I'm Introverting." These socks have quickly taken their place amongst my most favourite articles of clothing. There has been much written about the differing needs of those who identify as extroverts versus those who believe they are introverts. Introverts are rarely shy but instead require some measure of solace and quiet to recharge their batteries. We find large groups and extensive noise exhausting after a while. We really need those "alone" periods to think, plan, and to be better people. Finding a few minutes a day to recharge has been essential for my continued mental health. I am a better person for others when I can adequately equip myself with self-care. Take a long shower or maybe a cup of tea with the newspaper or a book. I like doing the New York Times crossword puzzle and I often retreat to this space as a goto place when I am "introverting". Being alone doesn't mean being lonely.
• Read a book. It sounds simple but fewer and fewer of us are actually reading books. We prefer fast reads on social media or synopses of articles. We have acquired a collective attention deficit disorder and it is affecting our intelligence and knowledge base. Reading is fundamental to expanding our horizons outside of parochial bubbles. I realized that I had been reading less this year and that epiphany ground me into the dust. I have picked up the pace again not just because I love and missed it but because I didn't even realize that it had happened. If you have a great book that I should read, pass it on. We are travelling early in the new year and I need to load up my Kindle.
• Be kind. It takes absolutely no energy and you lose nothing to just be kind. Kindness can take many forms. It can be acknowledging the people who work for or with you with a smile and a conversation that doesn't involve their duties. It can be as simple as saying thank you to the young man at the supermarket who took your cart back for you. It can be as fundamental as sharing your space, letting somebody else cut in line in front of you, being there for a friend in distress, or just listening. I mentioned before that I am angry a lot these days but that doesn't mean that I can't be kind and polite to those around me. Try being kind. It costs nothing.
• I'll do me and you can do you. I hate camping. If somebody asked me to describe my idea of hell, it would be spending eternity stuck in a tent with squirrels gnawing at my toes. I have friends who revel in their yearly camping trips but who wouldn't be caught dead in Florida. I get it. Apples and oranges. Here's my deal. I promise not to rag on your camping trips if you stop ragging on my South Florida oasis. The same goes for my vegetarianism, my Jewish observance, my involvement in progressive causes, or my need to vent my spleen in this space. Eat your meat, be an atheist, attend the Munk Debates, or be a wood nymph living in the forest. Your life, not mine. Judgement comes from my personal conversation with the Divine Spirit. Judgemental gets you a place on my shitlist. (and yes...I realize the irony of my being judgemental about being judgemental. Cut me some slack this one time.)
• Accept that which I cannot change. Twelve-step programs have this one right. I cannot close my eyes and wish I were thirty again. I'm not sure I'd even want to but I can't be young again so why pretend. Time is an unrelenting and unstoppable force that catches us all eventually. The measure of a human spirit isn't found in how I look but rather how I feel and what I do with what has been bequeathed to me. So, as I enter into another year I will breathe deeply, accept some of the frustrations and limitations of my age and enjoy all of the benefits that it now affords me. 

On Saturday, I will be 56 and fabulous. I'm not hiding from the number nor am I pretending that the downward side of my fifties isn't a bit frightening. I will screw up in many colossal ways this year. Of this, I have no doubt. Hopefully, I will learn more from those mistakes and will find a new treasure trove of things to boast about next year. 

And maybe...just maybe...we will celebrate a Stanley Cup victory down Yonge Street in June. You are all invited to my place for the party.

Another Trip Around the Sun Part 3

Happy Vacation, Santa. You've earned your tan lines and a few margaritas. Hasta luego, dude.

And so, my list continues. This is what birthdays tend to do to me. They make me pensive. Again, here are the ground rules. This is decidedly not a New Year's resolution list. It is a list of things I've learned throughout this year and will continue to take to heart and action. Maybe there is somebody out there who agrees with some or all of it. In that case, I've done a public service. If not, consider it an open journal entry, a window into my messed up psyche. If you are interested in Parts 1 and 2 of this inventory, click on the links.

• Find new artforms that challenge your biases. I've had several conversations lately about the genius that is Hamilton. The brilliant musical will finally be making its way to Toronto in 2020 and far too many people I know have said that they will take a pass, not because it is a costly ticket or because they would like to avoid the rush for seats but because, and this is direct quote, "We don't like hip-hop." The ignorance and close-mindedness of this philosophy stun me. Without getting too far into the weeds as to why I think this particular show not only raises the bar for musical theatre but moves it forward permanently, I am struck by the obtuseness of refusing to venture outside of one's comfort zone. Art, in all its constructions, is designed to make you think and to feel. Sometimes those emotions are familiar and easy and sometimes they are uncomfortable and difficult. If you avoid that which makes you uneasy, you are missing the best that art has to offer. I've attended several plays, movies, and concerts this year that challenged my biases. Some I loved (Riot at Luminato) and some I'm still searching for the answers (Vox Lux) but I have never once regretted the experience. Push yourself to be uncomfortable. It's how we grow.
• Read past the headlines. One of the things that we all need to learn how to be better at is evaluating the massive amounts of information thrown at us every day. Newspaper and media headline writers have become derelict in their jobs because those small captions rarely provide the nuance that exists within the stories themselves. When a headline screams "Sex-ed consult website flooded by 'certain groups' who may have skewed results: Ford" (an actual headline on a story from cbc.ca) it is wholly deceptive. Sure, the premier said this and yes, CBC is directly quoting him in the headline but it is also true that he is spouting nonsense with absolutely no data or facts to back up his outrageous claim. The body of the story makes that clear but if you only read the headline, you would think that there was a conspiracy out there to damage the sex-ed website with false comments. Actually, the opposite is true but now the narrative is controlled by a lie and it is very difficult to put the lie back into the jar. If however, CBC had written a headline like Without offering any evidence, Premier Ford says sex-ed consult website flooded by 'certain groups' who may have skewed results, the truth is now properly framed. Because I don't see the news media learning these lessons quickly, (Daniel Dale in the Toronto Star is a huge exception to this rule. After 4 years of covering Rob Ford and now two with Trump, he can and does give masterclasses about how the media is framing these lying pricks.) I feel it has become incumbent on all of us to spend a bit more time and read the whole story. And please don't share it on social media if you haven't. We must all take responsibility for the ignorance that is festering out there.
• Write down family recipes and share them. Our memories are all tied up in food. I have wonderful memories of baking with my aunt while she taught me how to make her rugalach. I have the recipe and I have made them many times since she died but it just isn't the same. That doesn't mean I will ever stop making them or sharing the recipe. Those recipes are a part of who we are. A friend was gracious enough this year to share her mom's (z"l) coffee cake recipe. I had never eaten it before and I knew that it took a lot for her to share it. I'm certain that no matter how delicious it was when I made it, and it was delicious, it couldn't possibly have tasted as good as when her mom baked it for her all those years ago. The graciousness and generosity it took for her to share it with me did not go unnoticed. I have heard tales of cooks and bakers who will share their family recipes, only to leave out a special or secret ingredient so as to sabotage the newbie. I'm not sure I understand the hostility or selfishness that goes into this kind of behaviour. We should relish our histories and share those stories and memories with the next generation. Thanks go out to my friend for introducing me to her mom through her cake.
• Become a fan of something or somebody new. Fandom, when it isn't creepy or stalkerish, is a great way of broadening our horizons. It is also a way of sharing and sending new talent out into the world. This year I became a fan of John Legend (late to the game, I know), his wife Chrissy Teigen (one of the best follows there is on Twitter), Quinn Cummings (the former child star and now a very funny author), TV critic and Pulitzer Prize-winning essayist Emily Nussbaum, and a young up and coming third baseman for the Blue Jays (maybe by May 1) named Vlad. Have some fun. Be a fan.
• Move from doing to being. We often get so wrapped in the details that we forget the big picture. I know that I do. I have been intently trying to be in the moment as it happens rather than running from task to task. This year it really hit home during our trip to Dublin. We had a list of "must-see" places on our list. We were doing the tourist thing but our time was limited. On our first evening, we climbed into an Uber and our driver, discovering that we were from Toronto, asked if we had seen the Famine Memorial directly across from the Immigrant Museum. We said we hadn't but wondered why he thought that we should. He explained that the corresponding statues were on display in a Toronto park down by the lake. We were stunned. We never knew this art installation even existed at home. He gave us an entire history of the piece, how Canada became involved, and why it was so important to the Irish people. That half hour drive through Dublin was the most present I felt during our entire stay there. Of course, we made time the next day to seek out the statues and then The Husband and I went searching for them again at home. We sometimes lose sight of the depth when we only hit the highlights. Be. And then....Do.

There will be a few more of these before my calendar turns over for another year. Again...Merry Christmas to those who observe and a happy day off for the rest of us. 

Love to My Father On His Big Birthday.

Today is my dad's 80th birthday.

80.

It seems like such a monumental age, almost as if it crosses some sort of an unspoken threshold. And in truth, Dad didn't want to celebrate all that much this year. He was uncharacteristically ambivalent about this birthday. He was emphatic about a moratorium on gifts and instead he wanted a far more muted commemoration than we might have done, one with just immediate family and some close friends. So, we honoured those wishes and had a lovely gathering last Shabbat but I couldn't let the day go by without some sort of observance as to the man my dad is.

Without further adieu, I present some fun facts about Ralph.

1. He was born on the second day of Rosh Hashana. Whenever someone would ask his mother about his birthday, that would be her answer. I'm convinced she never really remembered the English date until she looked at that Jewish calendar that came from the butcher.

2. His older brother, and sole sibling, Syd (z"l) was a full 7 years his senior. I'm convinced that my dad was a surprise baby to his "already-very-mature-for-those-days" parents but I was never able to get a straight answer from my grandmother, whose old-world sensibilities refused to discuss such things.

3. He was, unsurprisingly, ADHD as a child. It was a time when schools and parents didn't know about such things but because he was, and still is, such a gite neshema (a good soul) he managed to get through school with decent grades. His gregarious nature has always bought him goodwill but it isn't an act. Ralph simply has no capacity for hiding anything. He wears it all right out there for everybody to see. What you see, is what you get.

4. He speaks Yiddish fluently due to it being his parents' first language and some early schooling through the Arbiter Ring, The Workman's Circle.

5. Yup. My dad's first political indoctrination was through the very leftist and socialist (almost communist) Workman's Circle. It explains a lot about his visceral need for and fights for social justice but does nothing to explain his bizarre later in life vote for...

6. Rob Ford. Yes, he regretted it and yes he is very apologetic for it. (And yes...this is my way of needling him for a very out of character stupid act.)

7. Dad used to have very curly and very thick jet-black hair. Honest. There are photos.

8. He has a wicked temper. It is, unfortunately, something he felt the need to pass down to me. Those closest to him know it and have been in the direct firing line. He hates it about himself and is instantly sorry each and every time he blows a gasket but it can be painful. I choose to share this because Dad is fond of saying that nobody is perfect and that we all have something we'd rather not possess. His self-awareness about his foibles and flaws and his attempts over the years to deal with them is one of the things I admire most about my father. I truly believe that if I gushed too much about him in this post, he might taunt me about rewriting his biography.

9. He spent one year studying to be a pharmacist. He absolutely hated it and couldn't imagine counting pills behind a counter as a career. He left after that year in Windsor to go into a different side of the drug business...pushing...I mean...sales.

10. He used to work as a singer/waiter at Waposka Lodge in the summers. I still, to this day, cannot believe he waited tables. This is a man who can't drink a glass of water without spilling on himself. He still wears a bib that he carries with him wherever he goes. I can't imagine he did well by his patrons but his singing talent more than made up for his lack of tips.

11. Dad sang and Dad still sings. He has the most amazing baritone I have ever heard. He will say that it is old and gone but...nope, not true. He sings in the shower and in the car and at shul and when he thinks nobody is looking. He used to sing in a calypso band and was even cajoled into singing at his own wedding. He introduced me to every folk artist from 1940 on and still loves to go to small concerts and venues to take in an evening of whatever is playing. We would sing on family car trips and we would sing just for ourselves at home. I cannot stress enough how beautiful my father's voice is. One of these days, I hope to convince him to sing a duet with me at out Temple Coffee House. Maybe this post will provide the impetus.

12. Dad met Mom on a blind date....and then promptly didn't call her again for a year. A year!! There are a whole host of excuses he uses for that horrendous lapse in judgment but it was mostly because he was dating somebody else. When that ended, he decided to call her and....she couldn't remember who he was. Love at first sight, this was not. But something must have clicked because here we are almost 57 years later and he is still crazy about her. He will often quietly whisper to me, "Isn't your mother just beautiful." 

13. Judaism matters a lot to my dad and it pains him to this day that he never had a Bar Mitzvah due to that Jewish socialist upbringing. I've tried to convince him to do it as an adult over the years but I am still working on it. Dad was the creator of the very first Camp Scholarship Fund at Temple Har Zion and he went out and called every single member at the time to solicit the necessary funds to send kids to GUCI. He and Mom are regulars at Kol Ami when they are in town and often go to various synagogues in the South Florida area. I know that he wishes I was still on the bimah. He loved to brag about me to his friends, especially after High Holy Days. He tells me this a lot but he is just fine singing in the congregation with whoever is leading.

14. Dad is the most demonstrative man I know of his generation. He hugs and kisses everybody, men and women alike. He quite simply loves people and he feeds off of their energy. He wears his emotions like a badge of honour and has cried publicly on both happy and sad occasions. He just cannot pretend. It is what I love most about him.

15. Dad has had a variety of sales jobs throughout his career but the one constant has always been how good he was at it. It's that people-person thing again. He loves to talk and understand what people need and want, and he refuses to sell them anything more than what they absolutely require. He is unfailingly honest with his clients because he simply doesn't have the capacity for lying and mistruths. He can't keep a secret for shit and he will readily admit that lying takes far too much energy, so honesty is and has always been his credo.

16. Dad likes to be the peacemaker. He believes that family is paramount and those family members should never quarrel. I think it comes from the fact that so many members of his own family were lost in Europe. On more than one occasion, and not always with success, Dad has tried to mediate extended-family member squabbles. The hurt he has experienced when it hasn't come together has been palpable but he feels the need to try.

17. My father is the most absent-minded human being on the face of the planet. He has left his purse (yup. My dad has been carrying a man-purse for 50 years.) in more locations around the world than I could enumerate here. He forgets jackets on airplanes; credit cards in restaurants;  coffee mugs and briefcases on the roof of cars; hats, scarves, and gloves, in people's homes; and once he even left all of his suits in a motel room. He cannot walk and chew gum at the same time for fear he will swallow his gum. He has so much going on in his brain that he cannot remember the small stuff. I have often joked with him that I want to climb inside his mind and take a walk around to figure him out. He quips back that it would require a better woman than am I.

18. His absent-mindedness leads to his shitty driving. There. I said it. My father is a shitty driver mostly because his mind is usually elsewhere. He can park a fricking 18-wheeler into a spot the size of a postage stamp but his driving....well that is a whole other story. He once...and I am not making this up...drove onto the off-ramp of the 401. That was the day in my childhood when I thought I was going to die. Uber was created with my father in mind. I hope he uses it more often.

19. Dad never met a phone he didn't like or wear out. Until this year he still had two landlines and his cell both here and in Florida. He calls everybody all the time. He calls for happy occasions and awful ones. He calls to do business and will often wear out conglomerates (usually insurance companies or telecoms) that have cheated people. He will not take a single dime for his efforts and will often tell folks that he knows their games and refuses to be bullied by these corporations. He will often spend hours on the phone with insurers getting the best rates for his friends and families and then...he returns the commissions to the individuals. Lest you think this is a new thing born out of age, he has been doing this throughout his entire career.

20. Dad is loud and fun. He always wants to be with people and to be doing things. He loves to eat, often more than he should, but he considers much of it social. He and Mom have flown or driven in for out-of-town simchas because "celebrating is better than mourning". He loves to travel because "the world is a big place with so many things to see and people to meet." He never forgets a face, even ones he hasn't seen in 60+ years and he never forgets a name. He always leads with a handshake or a hug and has no qualms about reintroducing himself to people who may have forgotten him. Some individuals collect cars or coins, my father collects people.

I thought of doing a "top 80" of Dad but I realized that people had to read this and the length was already a bit much. The thing is, finding 80 things to share about my dad would have been so easy. He is just one of the best people I know and even though there are times when Ralph can be, in the words of Older Son, "So much more Zaidy than usual", I love everything about him. He is who he is and has never pretended to be more or less.

To the moon and back Dad. I love you bunches today and every day. Happy fourscore. Biz a hoondred oon Tzvuntzig yur. 💜💜💜 (May you live until 120 years!)

A Brief Moment in Time Captured in GIFS

A brief moment in time told in GIFS over the next three days.

30 years ago today, on this exact date in history, I looked a lot like this.



I was nine months pregnant, still and always 4'11" tall (give or take half an inch), and every single step I took resembled this.



It was one of the hotter summers Toronto had endured in a very long time, so I took to spending most of July and August like this in my parent's pool.



As steamy August drifted into the first day of September, I was still a full two weeks from my due date. I was itching for the invading host to depart my body so that we could finally meet face to face. I knew that the calendar was not my friend and I was completely resigned to a Rosh Hashana baby.

But...the universe has an odd way of reminding us that we are never in control and that plans made are plans shredded.

On this particular September 1st, I received word that a very dear friend had passed away. She was a constant in my life and I had been very excited for her to meet our new tiny human. The sadness I experienced was overwhelming.



As I heaved and cried, I did what any normal and very pregnant woman would do when given absolutely horrible news. I immediately went into labour.



The Husband, being a diligent father-to-be, called the doctor and asked what he thought we should do. He told us to wait at home for a bit in order to move the process along before we headed to the hospital. So, for most of the rest of that September 1st thirty years ago, this was me.



With some of this...



Mixed in with a lot of this....



for the loss of my friend.

Keep watching this space. The best is yet to come.