I lost a friend yesterday to this miserable plague.
She had several decades on me but could absolutely outlift me on the weight machines in the gym. She worked out with a trainer several times a week, walked with purpose, was full of piss and vinegar, made friends wherever she went and was smart as a whip. She was the vice-president of our condo board down in Florida and was the type of person who never let any problem go unsolved. I don't recall ever seeing her sit still and I don't recall her ever saying no to me when I needed a favour. She was just that kind of person. But while she was my friend and a very good one at that, she was my mother's best friend. Outside of family, she was the one person who had a real impact on my mother these past few years and I credit her with pure love for lifting my mom out of the abyss following my aunt's death. To watch my mother grieve another best friend is crushing beyond anything you can possibly imagine and to make it worse, I can't be with her in person right now as we are still in lockdown. When I offered to go to her yesterday when we got the news, she was emphatic in her "no". "I can't lose anybody else to this disease", she said. "Stay home now so that we can hug safely soon." I lost my composure and had to hang up.
We Jews are told that it is a mitzvah to comfort the mourners. In this time of pandemic, there is simply no easy way to do that without violating quarantine. I can't sit with Mom on the couch and hold her while she cries. I can't hug her. I can cry with her over Facetime or Zoom and I can deliver some meals but we all know that human contact is vital when trying to help someone navigate grief and right now, it simply cannot be. When my mother-in-law died in November, I did everything I could to help The Husband find a palatable path through shiva and shloshim. We arranged Zoom shiva visits and meals and believe me, he appreciated every single phone call, text, and virtual visit, but the lack of in-person human contact was stifling. He still hasn't seen his brothers since the funeral and it pains him every single day. There are just some things that the online world cannot appropriately duplicate.
We will gather remotely for a funeral early next week and I am certain that there will be an opportunity for a Zoom shiva visit but I am just so very sad and so very angry. I am grieving the loss of my friend and also the loss of the norms that would help us get through this difficult time. I am angry because I believe that her death was entirely avoidable. There is no way to ascertain how she contracted Covid or why she suffered and died while her 91-year-old husband had a very mild case. Florida is pretty much a hot mess right now and the state's governor has been a Covid asshole. I am writing this piece not because I want you to offer thoughts and prayers. If you have made it this far into the post, I know that your heart is good and your intentions are pure. I am writing it to plead with you all to do what is necessary for a little longer. We here in Canada cannot count on mass vaccinations any time soon so we have to maintain public health measures even if we are all fatigued. If you are considering going out for anything other than necessities when the province lifts the lockdown order next week, I beg you to reconsider. If you think that getting that haircut or having that coffee date with friends is vital, think again. Wear a mask. Wear two! Stay out of congregant indoor settings and if you can stay home for your work, please do. Minimize your contacts as much as possible. Please be wise and stay safe.
I lost a friend yesterday to Covid. We will never have that long-promised bagel and coffee I owed her for helping out my cousins in December. She wasn't merely a number in the pandemic counts. She was a dear person who will be missed by all who knew her. Think of her the next time you complain about wearing your mask or your isolation.
Zichrona Livracha. May her memory always be a blessing.
