Kevin O'Leary is a Squirrel

For those of you tuning in to read the latest chapter from my computer lessons, I apologize. There was a gap in my education yesterday. I won't explicitly blame The Husband for his procrastination but...

No. In all seriousness, I do have a life away from this miserable machine and yesterday it blissfully interfered. I haven't given up...yet...so stayed glued to this space for updates on the continuing saga.

In the interim, I thought that I might share a quickie story. This tale is definitely for a Canadian audience, but I hope that my American readers can find something worthy.

Yesterday in a bit of a political non-story, only because he has been teasing it for so very long, Kevin O'Leary entered the race to be the next Conservative Party leader. For those unfamiliar with the man himself, he is the brash, boorish entrepreneur and Trump wannabe who helped make Dragon's Den on CBC and later Shark Tank on ABC reality show rating juggernauts. I confess that I can't stand either incarnation of the program. I don't enjoy any reality programming, but I am especially averse to the kind where some pseudo-successful "panelist" sets himself up to judge or worse yet bait, insult, and cast aspersions on people either seeking validation or advice. If that's your cuppa then have at it. I prefer other sources of entertainment.

Mr. O'Leary, according to his credentials, is a successful businessman and venture capitalist. I will not impugn his reputation in this regard except to suggest that forays into politics have a nasty habit of exculpating the dirt, so I hope he has buried the bodies well. He has many weaknesses entering the race, not the least of which is he doesn't speak French and that alone should be disqualifying in our bilingual country, but here he is and as such it is our duty as citizens to vet him carefully. That said, before this circus flies too far off its tent posts, I want to share my fleeting personal encounter with Kevin O'Leary.

Last year down here in the winter home, my parents and I decided to head down to Costco for a brief half day of self-flagellation and self-loathing. As we flashed our membership cards at the entrance, we spied a large display hocking some new wine which was directly in front of us. It was almost impossible to enter the warehouse without passing by this table. Standing behind the table, decked out in his finest suit and silk tie (the temperature was probably in the mid-80s) and proudly wearing a sommelier's necklace and key, was Kevin O'Leary. The pretentiousness of the necklace and key was inescapable at a big box store where the majority of shoppers were clothed in stretch pants, tank tops, and flip-flops while trying to maximize their grocery budgets by purchasing peanut butter and mayonnaise by the gross. The ridiculousness of this self-proclaimed but very well-known multi-billionaire standing behind a fold-up table pushing discount wine at Costco was the stuff about which memes are created.

After acknowledging that we did indeed recognize Mr. O'Leary, we quietly attempted to slink past the display unnoticed. He called us out and tried desperately to get us to come over and taste his wine. We politely (we are Canadians after all) declined and as we did he screamed (really...he screamed!) after us "Just like Canadians. They never want to drink and they never know what's good."

How he knew we were Canadian I will never know. I wasn't wearing my sign and my maple leaf tattoo had been removed that morning. His rudeness was beyond what I would ever consider acceptable behaviour from a child let alone a man trying to woo me with wine. In true Canadian fashion, we chose to ignore this boor rather than engage him and instead we went about our regularly scheduled miserable Costco day.

Now...in the interest of full disclosure, I am not a Conservative and I cannot imagine ever voting for the party in any election, but I will say that there were others around me who do vacillate between parties and were totally turned off by Mr. O'Leary on that particular day. There are fourteen other candidates in the running for the leadership of the party. Some of them, not named Kellie Leitch, are decent, intelligent, qualified people who have some interesting ideas that should attract decent, intelligent, qualified Canadians to their party. I am hoping beyond hope that both Conservative voters and the Canadian media don't get too distracted by the squirrels that are Kevin O'Leary and Kellie Leitch. Canada can do better.

It was American playwright and entrepreneur Wilson Mizner who said, "Be nice to people on your way up because you'll meet them on your way down." Without even caring or knowing much about Kevin O'Leary before, he messed with a group of Canadians in an incredibly brief moment that will certainly have repercussions for him down the road, and I am certain that we were only the tip of the iceberg of those he has insulted, bullied, or denigrated on his climb to fame and fortune. Karma can really be a bitch, sir.

This interview of one O'Leary's  former Dragon's Den costars Arlene Dickinson came from CBC News yesterday. It is a bit long but very telling. 


***UPDATE*** Arlene Dickinson has just published this op-ed on CBC. So worth reading. 

The Storm Before the Calm

Today's post is the first in a two-parter. The second half will follow later this week, but I felt the need to explain the genesis of part two in this introductory missive.

Our family has been coming down to the South Florida region for almost as long as I have walked the earth. This area plays prominently in my admittedly sepia-coloured childhood memories. When money was tight and family vacations were done on the cheap, it wasn't unusual for all of my parents to pile all of us kids into my mom's 70-something Ford station wagon and head south on I75. (My sister-in-law, keeper of the family archives, recently sent me several very embarrassing photos from that era. If you really need to see them, contact me offline.) As we grew older and my parents began wintering down here, visits with my kids became the norm, and now The Husband and I are fortunate enough to have our own winter misery-escape hatch in the North Miami area. In many ways, South Florida feels like a second home. Admittedly, there are some things about being here that I will never truly understand and will never fully reconcile, but I have been able to rationalize it as quirky variances in the Canadian/American dynamic. This is in no way America bashing, nor is it in any way a demonstration of our vaunted Canadian pomposity. It is simply a statement that while we live close to one another, we are different.

And...sad to say...my family has not been totally immune to the violence that seems to be more random here than at home. A dear friend of my parents was shot and killed as part of an aborted robbery while he parked his car at a neighbourhood restaurant. He had less than $50.00 cash in his wallet. His murderer was caught while shopping at Walmart with his bounty. A few years back, a Toronto couple, well-known in the Jewish community, was murdered while in their condo just down the street from us. Their killings remain unsolved.

And yet...we keep returning. The snowbird flight plan is deeply ingrained. Canadian winters are wretched and as we age, we tolerate them less well. And...we tend to view these incidents merely as random acts of violence.

But last Friday felt different. The killings at the Fort Lauderdale airport hit me right in my sweet spot.  It was oh so close and oh so personal. Every single day, we know people going through Terminal 2 at FLL. This is the terminal that services all of Air Canada's flights. Torontonians, Montrealers, and Ottawans fly in and out many times a day from this place. I have been there hundreds of times, both as a shuttle service and as a passenger. My children have stood in the exact spot where people died. A friend had exited the airport with her thirteen-year-old son a mere hour before the horror. My cousin's parents were in the upper concourse waiting for her aunt as the shots rang out. They are thankfully fine.

We count ourselves, all of us, amongst the fortunate. A different day, a different week, a different time.....

And while I am fully aware that these horrific events nauseatingly occur on a daily basis in the United States, I have never before experienced the kinship I felt Friday. I felt an even more intense loathing and disgust than I ever had before for those milquetoast politicians who offered thoughts and prayers on Twitter while having zero intention of dealing with a gun problem so cancerous and rampant that even those suffering from acute mental illness have access to them. I detected a bilious taste when I listened to loathsome shills for the NRA talk falsely about "good guys with guns." I vented on Facebook about the false stories about the murderer coming from Canada. I ridiculously felt a need to defend my country from the Pandora's box of absurdity that has been unleashed down here. And most of all, I was discomfited by how easily and how quickly people here moved on from the tragedy. The ordinariness of it was profoundly disturbing. There were questions about flights being delayed, luggage lost, traffic around the airport, and how all of it would impact the daily lives of citizens. I've been waiting for news of memorials. It hasn't come yet. I can tell you how to retrieve a lost cell phone, but not the location of a vigil. In short...I felt and still do feel miserably depressed. I am exhausted and I am sad. This place of interlude and respite has become like a dystopian teen novel, and the really really sad part of it all is that I see it getting worse, not better over the coming years.

Since Friday, I have needed to find a way to revive and renew. I have taken refuge in the arts. I have listened to music, watched some very fine films, read a terrific novel, and chatted with some amazing visual artists at a weekend show. There is healing in creativity and I have sought out the oasis.

There are days when it feels as though the world around us has simply imploded. How we cope with those times defines us and illuminates a path forward in a profoundly aberrant environment. It is my belief that we are living in an era that is deviant and extreme. But we can regain the upper hand on the chaos by reveling in the beauty and the imagination of our most creative souls. All of this will be further fleshed out in part two of this post.

Zichronam Livracha...May their memories always be for blessing.

My Canada

In yesterday's Toronto Star, columnist Chantal Hébert wrote one of the best missives I have read this election cycle about the fundamental differences between Canada and the United States and where our two countries are headed politically. I urge you to click on the hotlink above and read it, not merely because I have asked you to, but because I do believe that many of my American friends are fundamentally stunted when it comes to understanding the Canadian psyche. A case in point was the totally vapid and mindless "comedy" essay that Jim Gaffigan did on Canada on CBS' Sunday Morning today.

In his defense, Gaffigan was going for satire and a comical turn basically informing Americans fearing the final election results that Canada is an odd place with odd likes and customs and that fleeing here might not be in an escapee's best interests. He peppered his routine with tired Canadian tropes and stereotypes about poutine and hockey and he finished up by questioning why we have a maple leaf on our flag. Frankly, it was lazy, based on zero research, and fundamentally the worst kind of comedy in that it was profoundly stupid. George Carlin was moaning someplace in the great beyond about the death of the esoteric comedian. And all of this is coming from somebody who really likes Jim Gaffigan.

I realize that there are a lot of Americans who are turning an eye northward in this time of profound schisms and misery. This election has been a holy host of horrors and if I were one of you, I might also be investigating an exit strategy. Of course, realistically most Americans will deal with the fallout of whatever happens because, when you get right down to it, this is what is most endearing about Americans; the strength and resilience to fight through the tribulations. This fighting spirit has kept them on top of the world's stage for almost two and a half centuries and I have little doubt that they will persevere for at least a bit longer.

But, if there really are Americans thinking about Canada as an option, (and please understand that it isn't as easy as merely showing up at the border wearing a Josh Donaldson jersey) and if it is a truly serious thought, it needs to be said that we are so much more than the butt of a hockey stick or the scarlet tunic of a Mountie. We are a people with everyday issues, everyday problems, and everyday feelings of pride.

We are a country who...

Has rallied as an entire country behind a single team, the Toronto Blue Jays because Major League Baseball sent our only other team to Washington. The ratings this fall for Blue Jays postseason games show that more than seven million people watched the final game of the ALDS. Seven million!! In a country of not quite 35 million. This is a rating's number that clobbers even the biggest hockey game of the year, including the Stanley Cup finals. It rivals the number of Canadians who watched Andre DeGrasse win bronze in the 100M at this summer's Olympics. (Yes..we celebrate great achievement, not just winners.) We are a fierce and proud people and we will defend our own with passion and poignancy. Canadians cheer on Canadians, even if they hail from the US, Dominican Republic, and Mexico, no matter what. Yes. It is true that hockey is a national obsession, but our national self-esteem is all about supporting those who display the best of who we are even if they can't skate.

We are a country who...

Values achievement and collective responsibility. In a television program entitled The Greatest Canadian that aired on the CBC back in 2004, Canadians were invited to vote on who they thought best fit the title. There wasn't an entertainer or sports figure in the top five. Coming in at number 1 was Tommy Douglas, the father of universal health care and a former premier of Saskatchewan. (OK. He was also the grandfather of Kiefer Sutherland, so I suppose that there is a wee bit of entertainment value to this pick.) Rounding out the top five were activist and humanitarian Terry Fox, Prime Minister Pierre Trudeau, Dr. Frederick Banting, the co-discoverer of insulin, and environmentalist David Suzuki. We can argue fiercely about politics and there are still people who think that Pierre Trudeau was the devil incarnate and therefore Justin is his evil spawn, but we tend to look at our politics through a uniquely pragmatic lens. I would venture to guess that while there are many who would like to improve upon our flawed health care system, there are very few who would like to abandon it altogether.

We are a country who...

Tends to cherish civil discourse even amongst our most polarizing figures. When Rob Ford passed away earlier this year, the entirety of city council was there to pay their respects, even those who voted to strip him of his magisterial powers and his most vocal critics. This weekend, former Harper cabinet minister and conservative Alberta premier Jim Prentice, was tragically killed in a small plane crash. He was praised and eulogized by politicians on all sides of the political spectrum. We are far from perfect. The problems and conditions that allowed for Rob Ford's horrific mayoralty in the first place still plague us, but even those who despised him while in office and the brand of politics he practiced, found some small modicum of decency in the man himself and felt sorrow for his family. We don't always succeed at civility, but we certainly aspire towards it.

We are a country who...

Cherishes our inherent beauty. Mr. Gaffigan asked, "why do we have a Maple Leaf as our national symbol on our flag?" It's because we look upon the beauty of our natural environment with pride and deep gratitude. Yes, it is easy to make maple syrup and pancake jokes and in fairness it is one of our great commodities, but the Maple Leaf symbolizes our deep and abiding love for the earth we were entrusted to protect. Our flag is reflective of that emotion. (I should mention that the final flag design was a compromise representation that consumed Canadian passions fifty years ago. In typical Canadian fashion, neither side was rewarded with the win. Today, our flag is recognized the world over as a symbol of inclusivity and we Canucks don't slap those patches on our luggage simply because we don't want to be mistaken as Americans, but rather because we are fiercely proud of the red and white.)

We are a country who...

Tends to adopt the best of others and make them our own. Ours is a cultural mosaic rather than a melting pot. We encourage diversity and we welcome the changes. It isn't always easy and we have  had major battles from all points on the political and cultural spectrum that has threatened the very fabric of our collective consciousness, but we do tend to move positively and timely with social mores. As Ms. Hébert correctly states in her column,

That is not to argue that unanimity reigns supreme in Canada or that it should. But clashes over the best approach to policy are symptoms of a healthy democracy, as is dissent. The noise that attends both does not alter the fact that on many of the principles that polarize other comparable societies there are Canadian consensus views that stand to outlast the popularity of the current prime minister, just as they did the Harper decade.

Yes, it is true that we are a country who loves our hockey, poutine, Mounties, maple syrup, moose, beavertails, toques, and coloured plastic money. But it is also true that we are an incredibly diverse people who are profoundly exhausted by the ignorance of our closest cousins, neighbours, and largest trading partner as to who we really are. Yes, we have a bit of an inferiority complex brought on by living next door to a behemoth and yes, while we tend to export the best comedians on the planet south of the 49th, we do often have a bit of difficulty laughing at ourselves. But, this election season offers a perfect opportunity for our American friends to lovingly discover just who we are and what we stand for. This country isn't perfect and it isn't a quick-fix for all that ails disenchanted and disenfranchised Americans this cycle, but it is home and I couldn't be more proud of it.

National Anthem Quick Hit

I haven't written in quite a while, so I thought that I'd give a very quick hit in order to answer some of the burning questions that have been lighting up my Facebook page this weekend and that I really don't feel like engaging with on said social media site.

1. No....I didn't watch the NBA All-Star game or any part of All-Star weekend. I am not a basketball fan and that wasn't going to change simply because the all-star game was held in my hometown. The game's beauty eludes me, so I won't pretend. I hope it was great, that many were excited, and that Toronto performed well on the international stage.
2. Yes...I did see Nelly Furtado sing O, Canada.
3. Yes...I do think that she butchered it.
4. No...I do not think that national anthems should be styled nor interpreted to suit individual singers. National anthems are not merely songs. They are musical representations of a country's national psyche and pride. If an artist wishes to "interpret" a song, pick a different melody and certainly a different venue. Would we fly a stylized Canadian flag at the event with a blue maple leaf just to suit the whim of an artist? 
5. No...I don't think that National Anthems should be sung before sporting events. 
6. Yes...Lady Gaga can sing.
7. Yes...Ne-Yo can sing.
8. Yes...Nelly Furtado can sing.
9. No...I didn't get chills when any of them sang the anthems.
10. Yes...I am a proud Canadian.
11. No...That doesn't change because I'm not moved by the singing or playing of a national anthem.

Tomorrow's quick hit post may be about politics. Beware.

Almost Wordless Wednesday

This year during NaBloPoMo, my Almost Wordless Wednesday posts will be of remarkable images that absolutely blew me away this year. They simply defy appropriate description.

Today's picture comes from our July trip to Newfoundland. We were given fair warning as to the multitude of icebergs visible from all over the province, but we were unprepared for the stunning beauty when confronted with it. The shades of lapis lazuli, azure, and cerulean were positively breathtaking.

Mother Nature certainly put on a show for the east coast this year, but we cannot and should not forget that the increase in bergs has been scientifically attributed to a gradual warming of the planet and of  the breaking down of the polar icecap. There is something disconcerting about taking in the beauty while simultaneously worrying about our fragile earth.

Happy 145 Canuckistan!!

In honour (notice the "U") of Canada's 145th, I thought it fitting to regale you with some of the Northern Territories finest musicians. Please enjoy my little Canuck gift, and may all of you celebrate this great land of ours today and every day.

Pre-High Holy Day Bitch Session

I haven't had a good bitch session on this blog in quite a while. I was actually starting to wonder if I had lost my mojo, but in reality it was more about the true exhaustion that I have been feeling due to political stupidity oozing out of every possible municipality, province, state and country. So here I present my pre-High Holy Day Bitch Session so that I might properly atone for my words, thoughts, and behaviour in the coming weeks. A sort of pre-confession confessional.

1. I am truly appalled at the genuine nastiness that has become pervasive in all political processes. Neither liberals nor conservatives can claim the high road in this battle for the lowest of the low scumbag. NDP candidates trading on the name of the late Jack Layton in an effort to garner provincial votes is as distasteful a practice as there might be. Conversely, PC leader Tim Hudak attempting to polarize the electorate with characterizations of "foreign workers" vs "real Canadians" is abhorrent. I realize that Mr. Hudak was "played" by Mr. McGuinty and the Liberals, but his xenophobic Tea Party-like rants were disgusting even for a politician searching for votes.
2. Since when did it become ok for a seemingly caring society to show such utter lack of concern for the most vulnerable? At two recent debates of the Republican hopefuls for the presidential nomination, morons in the crowd (I get that there exists morons everywhere, but this is my rant!) actually cheered for more Texas executions and actively shouted to let the uninsured die. I realize that the American electorate is at an unprecedented level of polarization, but really? Aren't we all in this together?
3. In the midst of the craziness that has become Toronto City Council, comes this phenomenal article by Edmund Pries, an instructor in the department of Global Studies at Wilfred Laurier University. I have often wondered many of the same things that Mr. Pries comments on. The difference between a citizen and a taxpayer (note I use the compound word rather than two word phrase tax payer) is all about the self vs the communal. Once again I ask the question, "Aren't we all in this together?"
4. The backwards steps being taken by women recently, especially in pop culture has me pissed. How can women in 2011 actually even think it is okay to watch a new television program based on the happenings in a 1960s Playboy club. I realize that it is fictionalized and probably a soap, but let's be honest. There is a reason that these clubs no longer exist. The misogyny and arrogance of the management and the cliental was horrifying. I cannot imagine that many women want to look back at these particular moments in history with nostalgia. I feel exactly the same way about the reboot of Charlie's Angels-the very first "jiggle show". When people use Mad Men as an analogy for how women are portrayed in the 1960s, I think that they totally miss the point of that show. Mad Men is all about the empowerment of women, not the idea of renewed subservience. And while I am on the subject, don't even get me started about lingerie football.
5. It seems to me that if the Tweedle-Dum and Tweedle-Dee mayoral twins of Toronto want to even entertain the idea of cutting libraries, they should learn how to properly pronounce the word. That's li-brar-y Messieurs Ford, not li-berry. Your ignorance is showing and on public display.
6. I am absolutely sick and tired of the anti-intellectualism that is pervading our political discourse. I don't want leaders that deny science, endanger women's health, put low income children at medical risk, or who believe that libraries are gravy. I want leaders who are smarter than I am, have creative solutions to complex problems, are willing to take those ideas from whatever side of the political spectrum they might arise, and who are willing to listen and work with their idealogical foes. I don't want change for change sake, and I don't want warmed-over leftover ideas from a era that is no longer relevant. Ronald Reagan is dead as is Pierre Trudeau. I want a leader who understands that we live in the twenty-first century and that our problems cannot be easily solved with thirty year old platitudes.

I am certain that there are many many many more, but these will do for now. Feel free to add your own in the comments section. For all these sins O God forgive me, pardon me, grant me atonement.

A Patriotic Ditty

I realize that this particular video was made for Canada Day 142, but we are still here two years later and the sentiments are the same. Music and Lyrics by Oscar Brand and sung by The Travellers. I think it is our God Bless America. Way Better than O Canada! Enjoy the 144 Canada. We are perfectly "square" today as always.

5 Questions Mr. Harper

“The press is the best instrument for enlightening the mind of man, and improving him as a rational, moral and social being”-Thomas Jefferson

I have remained rather quiet since the government fell last week and we here in The Great White North found ourselves embroiled in yet another federal election campaign. Five trips to the polls in a little more than ten years is more than most Canadians ever bargained.  Frankly, I am weary. I am so tired of the pontificating, the brutally vicious attack ads, the robo-calls, the out and out mendacities, and the lack of civil discourse that used to be a cherished hallmark of Canadian politics. I long for the days when elections used to promise at least the hope for something new, but I have come to understand that those days are long gone. I honestly didn't think that it could get worse, until today's news that our Prime Minister is refusing to answer more than five questions a day on the campaign trail. Those five questions are being split between media from both official language media, and one question is being reserved for local press. FIVE QUESTIONS!!!!

Now it certainly isn't unusual for politicians on the trail to carefully control what is doled out to the press, nor is it unusual for press secretaries to manage every syllable that the candidates utter so as to avoid pitfalls, but it seems to me to be the height of arrogance for any leader vying for the top job to slough off the press caravan travelling with them and treat them with total disdain. It seems counter-productive to the messages that they are attempting to convey to totally piss off the reporters and attack them as the source of all of their ills. After all, isn't a free and unencumbered press a hallmark of a democratic society? With that in mind, I thought that I would pose my own five questions to the Prime Minister and I would hope that the people who actually get to pose the queries don't let up until they are adequately answered.

1. How can you claim to represent all Canadians when you refuse to answer our questions?
2. Can you adequately explain the spending frenzy that went toward cosmetic improvements in advance of the G20 summit of last year, and why your government was so negligent in adequately planning for the obvious security issues? 
3. What is your long term national child care plan given that 62% of women are now in the workforce fulltime and that Canada is one of only a handful of G20 countries without a cohesive child care initiative? 
4. Given that national crime statistics show a precipitous drop in violent crime, isn't the proposed massive spending on mega prisons merely a scare tactic utilized for purely electioneering?
5. Où trouvez-vous ces chandails?

These are just a few of mine. I have many more but since Sweatered Stevie will only answer 5, I have used up my daily allotment. Feel free to add your own.

O Canada!

O Canada!

For a fortnight and a bit (give or take a couple of days) we have watched our national pride and identity grow exponentially with each Olympic day. It has little to do with medals and it has little to do with record finishes. We have basked in the glow of the world's collective lens trained relentlessly on every aspect of our country, and frankly we have survived the intense scrutiny with aplomb. But let us now turn our vision inward onto ourselves and attempt to remember the vivid lessons that these Games have taught us.

O Canada!

We spent over 6 billion dollars on these Games. We can argue passionately as to whether or not it was money well spent, but the debate is fruitless and passe. Instead, let us accept what has been wonderful, but to also remember that sporting events should not be the only impetus to increased political spending on social programs and infrastructure. The next time we quibble on monies for poverty programs, women's assistance programs, water main repairs or transportation increases, let us remember that, like these Games, we are all in it together and we need the political will to spend to aid our own.

O Canada!

Let us remember that over 75% of the Canadian medals at these Olympic were won by our women. Let's elucidate that point when we debate equal access to ice time for our girls, and let us remember how important organized sports are to those girls who need to escape difficult home situations. Women are carrying the load for the country this year. Let's not dismiss them when they come calling for daycare, health care, equal pay for equal work, programs for women in crisis and educational opportunities.

O Canada!

We have proven to ourselves that our national inferiority complex should be banished to the dustbin of history. Enough already with the constant apologies. The world looks to us for leadership and we provided it during these Games. Let us remember that at the next world environmental summit or at the next G20. It is time for us to step forward front and centre on the world stage and start leading with the values that make us the envy of all.

O Canada!

The best of who we are wasn't demonstrated by our hockey teams or our curling teams. It was on display in the form of a slight figure skater from small-town Quebec. Her strength and courage showed the world Canadian fortitude. Let us remember that resilience the next time some pundit from another nation questions our loyalty, our commitment, or our values.

O Canada!

We have done ourselves proud. Let the national hangover commence.

Anybody but Gretzky

I realize that this will make me less than a patriotic Canadian, but I am not a huge fan of these or any Olympic Games. In a previous post, I lamented some of the issues that I had with the Summer Games. With the distinct absence of European Handball, my feelings about the Winter Games isn't all that different. I still believe that the Olympics have become a bloated, excessive, expensive and over-hyped experience that is primarily run by large corporations for the expressed purpose of shilling their products. The very idea that McDonald's is an Olympic partner, pushing unhealthy eating habits to a passive sports-watching world, is beyond ironic.

That said, it is difficult to ignore the sense of patriotism swirling throughout my country these days. Canada rarely has a world stage on which to show herself off, and these Games should display to the world that we are so much more than Mounties, Celine Dion and hockey. Ok, maybe not the hockey thing.

You see, there is a savage debate raging at home as to who should light the flame this evening. Newspapers columnists and average Joes alike have all put in their two-cents, and the majority seems to be decided on the Great One. I passionately disagree!

While it is truly understood at home that hockey rules and that Wayne Gretzky is the finest that Canada has ever produced, I submit that he has had very little to do with The Olympics. True, it was Wayne who guided the Canadian men to gold in 2002, but he didn't play nor did he coach. He managed. Gretzky was never a successful Olympic athlete and in my opinion, that should be the starting point for any discussion as to who should be honoured with the final torch trip. Canada has had several worthy winter athletes who have brought great honour to our country, and while most of them have already participated in the torch relay, that should in no way preclude them from the ultimate honour.

I will suggest three such individuals for the honour. Gaetan Boucher, Catriona Le May Doan, and my personal favourite Nancy Greene. All three of these individuals are multiple Olympic and World Cup medal winners, with Le May Doan actually defending her title at successive winter games. But it is Greene whom I believe is the obvious choice. She is a born and bred British Columbian who was voted Canada's female athlete of the 20th Century. She is still Canada's most decorated skier, male or female, and she is widely credited with breaking European domination in the sport. It is true that I am too young to remember her flying down the Grenoble slopes to victory in 1968, but the mere fact that I am mentioning her in the same breath as Gretzky, should indicate just how famous and beloved she still is in Canada. She serves as a Conservative in the Canadian Senate and many have suggested that her political leanings should disqualify her from the discussion, but I heartily disagree. Her unfortunate alliance with Sweatered Stevie has absolutely nothing to do with her Olympic glory and watching her light the cauldron in her hometown would be a honour befitting her special place in Canadian sport's history.

We Canadians live, breathe, and absorb hockey. It is part of our national fibre and character. The hockey gold medals are truly the only ones that most of my country people care about during these games. There is really no equivalent that I can describe to any of you that haven't experienced our maniacal passion for the game. That said, I believe that the ultimate sports honour that we Canadians can bestow at these hometown Olympic Games should go to an Olympian. An Olympic hero who shone the spotlight beautifully and brightly on her country. With all due respect to Mr. Gretzky, the Olympics are really not his legacy.

Up Close and Personal

I owe Rashminda a bouquet of flowers, or at the very least breakfast. Isn't that the usual procedure when somebody is accorded the privilege of feeling you up? Who is Rashminda, you ask? Well, she is the sweet, petite, slightly overworked and somewhat overwrought employee of Transport Canada who has been put into the extraordinarily awkward position of having to check the intimate crevices of every woman passenger travelling out of Toronto Pearson Airport's Terminal 3 bound for American destinations. As a result of some asshole attempting to celebrate Jesus' birthday by blowing up his own asshole, we Canadians have been subjected to airport security more intensive and certainly more invasive than we have ever before known.

For reasons that only the truly reactionary can comprehend, any Canadian flight inbound for the good old US of A must now undergo a screening process that would make prison matrons blush. We are no longer allowed to bring carry-on baggage onto an aircraft. Our personal effects have been reduced to small purses and computer bags. No backpacks, wheeled luggage, briefcases or suit bags allowed. At least the ridiculous pretense of customer service or civility within the airline industry is finally gone, and we can all finally moo out loud like the cattle we have truly become. The humiliation begins with a thorough grilling by US customs agents. It continues with the requisite shoe removal, strip down at the metal detectors, and an emptying of all personal contents at security, (including a swabbing for explosive residue on every single piece of electronics) reddening with embarrassment while some underpaid civil servant passes judgement on my choices in literature and music, and creepily checks out the pictures of my kids that I keep in my computer case. That used to be the end of the line, but since the jackass who tried to wage jihad from his Jockeys, the fun stuff just keeps on coming.

From security we moooooove as a pack to what is now being called secondary security. We are separated into XX and XY lines (a wee bit too WWII for this Jew's liking) so that we can get up close and personal with Rashminda. Poor Rashminda! What a job! She squeezed so many boobs today that I thought that she should have been issued mammography equipment. The woman touched me in places that I thought were mine and mine alone. Apparently not according to Transport Canada. Since Christmas Day the world of air travel has once again changed and we poor bastards are all along for the ride.

The remarkable thing about all of this increased security at the airports and on the planes, is that it seems to be very one-sided. I flew home to Toronto from Fort Lauderdale last Thursday and not one thing was different on the American side. Passengers were invited to bring along all of their carry-on baggage as per usual. The level of inspection at security was very much the same as it was before Christmas. Sure, we had to remove our shoes and display our gels and liquids in a small Ziploc, but there was no pat down, strip search, ripping or shredding of personal belongings and no verbal grilling. We didn't have to arrive at the airport at some ungodly hour, and the process moved along without cattle prods or branding irons. As far as I can recall, the underpants incident was carried out by a Nigerian national flying from Yemen through Amsterdam en route to Detroit. The only thing Canadian in this equation is the airspace that our government graciously afforded to the Northwest flight and over where, (God forbid) the thwarted attempt would have occurred. (Chatham Ontario was a possible casualty!) I am definitely having a "why us" moment. Why is Canada the only country, outside of the 14 terrorist supporting nations that the Obama administration has identified as problematic, forcing her citizenry into these draconian measures when the Americans aren't doing likewise? The holes in this strategy are big enough to drive a 737 through.

I am not one of these people who is standing up and screaming about civil liberties when it comes to flying, even though the idea of these new x-ray machines that will probably get some pervert off viewing my stretch marks, are wracked with problematic issues and questions. I am a fearful flier and I would prefer that the industry does what it can to keeps us all safe, but once again I believe that rather than envision and prepare, they are being reactionary. Chaos ensues from reactions rather than preparations. If the Americans are truly concerned about what is flying around in their airspace, then they should impose the same restrictions on their domestic flights that they are on international ones. And if it isn't the Americans dictating these rules, then the Canadians should stop with the bullshit and own up to their own systematic flaws. In the meantime, what do you all think? Should I send Rashminda roses or daisies? We've become quite close.

I Love Canada, but I Hate the Weather!

Happy 142nd to my beloved country. Last year, I wrote of the many things that we Canadians can look to with both amusement and pride. This year, I was hoping not to blog at all. I had planned to spend the day with good friends funning and sunning around the pool, and barbecuing and beering the evening away. Maybe we might even catch some fireworks to help celebrate our country's birthday. Instead, as is truly Canadian, we are being held hostage to the fickle Canuck climate. The sun is straining to emerge, but the temperatures are less than seasonal, and there is the promise of massive showers. So while our plans remain in limbo, there is little else to do except spend some time with the blogosphere. I was greeted this morning by an email from a friend also lamenting the crappy weather. With her permission, and with profound apologies to Calixa Lavallee and Robert Stanley Weir, (the composer and English lyricist of our national anthem) she and I offer you our take on Canadian weather on this our country's day of celebration. I just want it understood that SHE STARTED IT!!!

In honour of our country's 142nd birthday and the crappy weather this summer, I offer this new anthem... (sung to the tune of O Canada!)

O Canada!

Our home and soggy land,

Why can't the rain

Fall down when WE command?

Instead it pours on holidays

And dampens all our fun;

Extinguishing the fireworks

And forcing us to run.

God make our land

Sunny and bright,

O Canada

This weather just ain't right!

O Canada

Make it rain just at night!

Here was my response.

Is this a challenge? A re-write throw down?? You are on!

Oh Canada!

This weather really sucks,

We'd like the rain

If we were born as ducks!

On our holidays

When the weather's crap

There's nothing much to do

'Cause in Canada all the stores stay closed

Leftover from the laws of blue!

God give this land

Summers hot and clear

Oh Canada

We loathe this wet and drear

Oh Canada

We all just want some beer!!

She countered!

Verse 2...

O Canada!

The land of snow and ice;

Hot summer sun

Would be so very nice!

As I sit inside

And look at the clouds,

I softly shed a tear

For the summer days

That so quickly pass

Much faster every year!

50 SPF

On my shelf sits,

O Canada

This weather is the pits,

O Canada

It truly is the shits!

Never the shrinking violet, I responded in kind.

You are good!

Verse next...

O Canada!

We love to moan and bitch

Of climes that seem surreal

And throw our plans a hitch

When we hope for heat

We get cold and wet

It all seems so unfair

Summer seems to last

But one week a year

It fades away into the air

I need the sun

How my tan abates

O Canada

I'll travel to the States

O Canada

It's time to book the dates

If she serves and volleys, I will post it or if any of you would like to try your hand, I will post those as well. Try and enjoy the day Canada, in spite of the weather. 142 and counting!

***UPDATE

The woman plays for keeps

Here is her latest salvo.

This is getting serious

Okay, in the interest of bilingualism, je vous offre la suivante... (please excuse the atrocious grammar & lack of accents...it's been longtemps since I have composed en francais)

O Canada!

Je vous aime beaucoup, oui oui

Mais je vous dis

Je n'aime pas la pluie!

Je prefere le beau soleil,

C'est vrai...

Mais il n'y en a pas assez!

Je prefere rester toujours dehors,

Dans le beau mois de juillet!

Zut, mes chers amis

Il fait mauvais aujourdhui

O Canada,

Il fait pas beau ici.

O Canada...

Mais vous etes notre pays!

Can anybody top it?

***UPDATE #2

Since I can't compete in French and Hebrew is difficult to rhyme, I thought that I would take a different tack. Notice each Canadian hockey team is mentioned!

O Canada!

Canadiens have range

Spending our time

On that which cannot change

So we bellyache

Like a Senator

We hate the atmosphere

Like a Flame that's doused

In the Oiler sands

Our viewpoint's rarely ever clear

O Canada

Give Canucks relief

Please let the summer sun

Come wilt the Maple Leaf

O Canada

I want to end this grief!

Haven't They Learned, Yet?

It seems that the Conservative party of Canada is starting to concern itself with its political fortunes. Their poll numbers have been dropping precipitously since the revelation of the do-nothing budget in the fall and the corresponding rise in unemployment figures. The economy is in turmoil, unemployment insurance is under attack from both opposition members and party insiders, including the wife of the Minister of Finance, who herself has ambitions to be the leader of the Ontario Tories. The Prime Minister has been uncomfortably quiet on hot-button issues like Afghanistan, green projects, and cutting red-tape to release promised stimulus monies, and yet his party has decided that the time was apparently ripe to launch a series of attack ads on the newly-minted leader of the Grits. The new ads attack Michael Ignatieff as a cultural and intellectual elite who has been parachuted back into the country and obviously cannot converse on a genuine level with regular Canadians. Watch:

Haven't we seen this show before? Wouldn't you think that the Conservatives would have learned a real political lesson from the election campaign just waged south of the border? Voters in general have decided to forgo voting for the candidate with the stupid gene, and instead have decided that intelligence, education, ideas and calm temperament are far more important character traits than down-home folksiness and intellectual incuriousity. I don't feel the need to have a beer with my Prime Minister, (I actually don't feel that connection with Sweatered Stevie the Stiff either!) and I don't want him or her making crucial decisions from the proverbial gut. I want him or her to be an esoteric problem solver, creative thinker, articulate conveyor of thought and, frankly an Ivy-League education is a good resume item to help down that path. I want to believe that the people that I elect are smarter than me. If they aren't, then we are all in real trouble. Mr. Ignatieff has a great deal still to prove to the people of Canada before we entrust him with an address on Sussex Drive, but his intellectual prowess and real-world skill set gained from years of teaching, studying, listening and traveling abroad are advantages to his growth as the Liberal leader not character flaws. I think that the Conservative Party of Canada could find a better use for its funds and its "creative" department than these miserable ads. How about employing a few intellectual elites to help solve the economic crisis and other real problems facing this country? I am sure that a few of them could use the work.

We Canadians Can Take a Joke-When It is Funny!

There has been much made of the tasteless, wholly insensitive and grotesque segment that aired on Fox News' semi-satirical crapfest known as Red Eye. On the same day that we as a nation lost four more soldiers to the conflict in Afghanistan bringing the ignominious total to 116, some pinheads over at the "faux news" network decided that it would be a laugh riot to ridicule Canada's contribution to the military struggle in that hellhole of a country. Well, guess what Big Brother? We here in the Great White North aren't laughing. We find it difficult to laugh at the images of flag-draped coffins coming home. We tend not to chuckle when our contributions to aid our allies are lampooned. It is true that we are quiet, peace-loving, hockey rabid, and a bit pedantic, but we tend to get pissed off when such blind ignorance to our existence is shown by our nearest and supposedly dearest friends. While it may be true that we are not a country that is well-known for our military prowess, we have a long and proud history of  engagement that would make the morons at Red Eye blush with ignorance. 

• Canada enter the fray in both World Wars ahead of the Americans. In World War I, we followed Great Britain (we were bound as a subservient) to arms in August of 1914. While we were not at liberty to refuse the call, we did have the independence to choose our level of involvement. The United States did not enter the war until April of 1917. The per capita death casualty rate for Canada during the Great War was approximately .9% while the US had a per capita loss rate of approximately .54%. During World War II, Canada declared war on Germany a mere week after Great Britain did following the invasion of Poland in 1939. This time, it was not incumbent upon us to follow the British, but we did and in huge numbers. 1.1 million Canadian men served with the allied forces, and more than 45,000 lost their lives. The Americans didn't come into the war until after Pearl Harbour in December of 1941. On June 6th, at the Battle of Normandy, Canadians landed on Juno Beach. Resistance was fierce and casualty rates were high, as much as 50% in the first waves. "By day's end, however, the Canadians had made the deepest penetrations inland of any of the five seaborne invasion forces."
• We were a major part of the UN forces in Korea. Almost 27,000 troops were deployed to Korea and there were over 1,500 casualties. 
• We have a long and proud history as participants in peace-keeping deployments from Somalia to The Balkans to the Middle East.
• It is true that we did not actively provide military support in either Viet Nam or Iraq, but that was mostly because a case could not be adequately made to Parliament that our chief ally was being threatened by either country.

Canadian forces have been deployed in Afghanistan since the very early days of the mission. Our soldiers have been in one of the most dangerous regions of the country and have suffered 4 times the casualty rate of any country with troops there, including the Americans. We are sensitive about this war. Thinking and feeling people should be. So forgive us if we find it a wee bit difficult to laugh at the shit that was spewed on Fox.