Civil Discourse

During this time of Shabbatical, I have been consciously attempting to disengage myself from what I view as a myriad of toxic online behaviour, mostly in the realm of politics. I can't say that I am always successful at this, but I am trying. I have stopped visiting sites that have as their sole purpose the smearing of one political belief or another. I refuse to engage with Facebook or Twitter "friends" in their constant barrages of ugly partisan posts, nor have I passed on or shared such content. (I will admit to keeping the pressure on in support of Women of the Wall, but I view that struggle as much a religious fight as it is political.) It is no secret that I have strong opinions on many (most?) subjects that fall into this category, and very often I have used this space to express my displeasure, incredulity, or even disgust on a myriad of issues. I have rarely shied away from a civil discourse on any subject, provided that all opinions were taken into account, and slurs, epithets, and stereotypical categorization were avoided. But lately, I have found myself placed in the potentially awkward position of actually  "unfriending" a few of my Facebook and Twitter associates because of the lack of decorum that they have displayed in the troublesome language used in their posts. Why awkward? Well, some of these people are quite close to me in the real world. So, it is to these few that I address the following.

Dear Friend,

I have recently noted that you are quite active in the social media world, and as we are virtually connected, your posts and interests have become regular fixtures in my news feeds. I am always interested in the many voices and sides to the debates of the day, but please allow me to offer you a bit of advice if you hope to engage me, and others like me who are not necessarily on your side of the political divide, into reading what you have posted. (Note: I am speaking to both liberals and conservatives here!)

1. Using words like "hypocrite", "liar", "looney", "idiotic" or "doltish" in your pre-posting comment is likely to dissuade me from reading whatever it is you have put up. Insulting me before the fact is bad behaviour that is most likely to result in your post being flushed. 
2. Using past bad liberal behaviour (and there has been a ton!) as an excuse for present bad conservative behaviour (and there has been a ton!) or vice-versa is a straw man's argument that does nothing to move along the discourse. Stay in the present or I will probably just delete what you have posted.
3. Arrogance is never a good way to sway me to your side of the fence. If you have valid arguments, make them. But, please don't act and speak to me as if you are morally superior simply because we differ.
4. Personal attacks on any of our leaders will get you absolutely nowhere with me. Calling our mayor out for his corpulence is extremely bad form, as are jokes about our premier and her sexuality. Language matters and it is time that we all took a great deal more care in how we use it.

Rabbi SaraLeya Schley teaches:

Jewish mysticism teaches us that we are all essential parts of the One Soul, each of us sent into our lives to fulfill our unique soul missions. Without each and every one of us, the Great Name, Sh’mei Raba, is incomplete. When we each speak our unique truths from a place of centeredness and integrity, our words are indeed the words of the Living God, infused with the quality of Divine inspiration. Dialogue then becomes a spiritual practice in which we see and acknowledge each other as sparks of the Divine. We consciously open our hearts wide enough to hold diverse opinions, even those which seem to be so opposite to our own that we cannot imagine resolution. In this sanctuary, mishkan, of our unified hearts, holding each other in love and respect, we create - with our sacred intention and deep listening - the possibility of shalom and reconciliation and we can birth radically new solutions, heretofore never even imagined.

Look, friend. I am not suggesting that you and I will ever see eye to eye on politics. Our individual opinions are simply too ingrained. I am however, suggesting that I could possibly understand you better and see some merit in some of your viewpoints if only you might present the articles without ugly editorializing. If you find this beyond your comfort zone, I understand. But please also understand that our online relationship will come to an end. 

Yours in friendship and Shabbat Shalom,

Dawn

A Funeral Code of Conduct

I attended at funeral today. It was heart-wrenching and brutal. Most funerals are. The deceased was a lovely woman who played an important role for The Husband during his formative years. She was a strong, fiercely independent, family-centred, caring, funny, and humane lady who, like many, suffered illness for too many years and died far too young. I liked her instantly from the day I met her, and my opinion of her did not waver in all these years. My guess is that the majority of the people in the crowd today felt as I did. And yet....one would be hard pressed to glean anything about this special human being from the service we collectively attended this afternoon. While her two sons recounted loving memories of their mother with grace and dignity, another so-called "family friend" had the crowd squirming in palpable discomfort as he selfishly prattled on with anecdotes about her late husband that barely involved the poor woman. He thought it funny to discuss pornography, misogynistic girl-chasing, told off-colour jokes, and did all of this without any notes or preparation. It was the capper to an hour long service that dishonoured a wonderful woman.

It is one of the most unfortunate duties of my work to attend and officiate at funerals. I have seen a great deal over the course of my career and I am usually loathe to criticize. Dealing with and comforting mourners offers a unique window into the human psyche, and what might work as words and acts of comfort for one, may not suffice for others. In short, everybody grieves differently and far be it from me to tell anybody how best to fathom a loss in often unfathomable circumstances. That said, I do believe that we have become extraordinarily lackadaisical in what might be considered appropriate funeral behaviour. It isn't as though I am asking for wailing, rending of garments, and sackcloth and ashes, nor am I suggesting that laughter at a funeral is inappropriate, but I am calling for a modicum of respect for the deceased, their mourners, and a return to some understanding of what the occasion is. Hence I offer you some quick and helpful hints for funeral attendance.

1. Turn off your cell phones. Yes, that means you and you and you and everybody else who thinks that the first request from the funeral directors didn't include them. You aren't that important that you can't be out of touch for an hour or more. If you are....don't come. Cell phones tweeting, beeping, ringing or  worse...being answered intrude on the personal grieving space of a funeral. A funeral isn't about you and your Facebook updates.
2. Please stop talking incessantly to your neighbour. I hate sitting amongst people who cannot shut up. I don't care about your car trouble, babysitting issues, dinner plans, or kid's hockey scores. I hate having to shush people at a funeral.
3. If you are asked to speak at the service, treat that request as the tremendous honour that it is. I often marvel at mourners who are able to, in the face of great adversity and grief, speak with eloquence about their loved ones. Not everybody can do it and not everybody should attempt to do it. But if you do find yourself in such a situation one word comes immediately to mind...PREPARATION! Nobody and I mean NOBODY can speak well off the cuff at a funeral. Clergy people don't do it and they do this on a far more regular basis than the average funeral goer. Write down your thoughts, your words, your stories, and your feelings. Don't get caught in the rambling loop that sounds like a 13 year old girl's Bat Mitzvah speech.
4. When preparing your remarks, remember that it isn't about you. People want to hear about the deceased, not about your yearly Florida trips with her husband or your inside jokes. Tell us about how this person affected your life. Tell an anecdote or two, but remember that there are people there longing to feel closer to the person that they just lost. It is your job to help facilitate it.
5. Remember that amongst the crowd there is a mixed bag of beliefs, customs, social conventions, and ideas. Language matters. You come off looking like an ass if you breach accepted social norms.

Unfortunately The Husband and I-and several hundred others today-had to suffer the foolishness of one man's self-involvement, and it came at the expense of our ability to properly say goodbye to a beloved friend. I am just asking for some mutual respect, not a cookie cutter view of mourning practices. May her memory be forever a blessing.