I am not a violent person, but I have taken to daydreaming about nuking the little shits. I have visions of a complex Rube Goldberg device that will ultimately chop their carcasses up into little bits and scatter them about like fertilizer. I see tiny little Torquemada-inspired racks on which the bastards are strung up by their almost opposable thumbs and left to twist in the wind. I envision a combination Beverly Hillbillies/Julia Child bake off in which we create our favourite squirrel recipes. I want to make gloves out their tails and give my warmed middle finger to PETA. I know! I can't believe this is me either. My left-wing sensibilities have been shattered and I am starting to believe that simply shooting them is not nearly enough. (I have never held a gun of any kind. I am one of those pinko-commie mothers who wouldn't even let her children play with water pistols. My boys shot through summer with animal facsimiles of water guns, much to their masculine dismay.) That said, I have reached my breaking point. I find myself watching this video over and over and over again, (I couldn't post it to the blog in all good conscience. When you watch it, you will understand why!) and deriving a sick sadistic pleasure from it. But best of all, I have decided to join the SDL! Yup! I am now a charter member and a regular reader of the Squirrel Defamation League! (I even purchased one of their t-shirts, which is forthcoming.)
I refuse to be beaten. I now know that there are many others out there like me-ordinary and peace loving citizens-who are simply at their wit's end. We will join together to form a squirrel-fighting militia and defeat the enemy where he stands. As Thomas Jefferson said all those years ago "As our enemies have found we can reason like men, so now let us show them we can fight like men also." If nothing else, I will go down fighting. Semper Fi! The marines have landed.