Tuesday, 10 February 2009

The Seventh Circle of Hell!

There has been a great deal of discussion lately about the essays on Facebook entitled "25 Random Things About Me". Time Magazine even wrote a tongue-in-cheek blog posting railing about the banality of the entire exercise. I actually have found a certain voyeuristic pleasure in these little postings. It is sort of like having a tiny little window into the lives of people that you thought you knew. While I haven't yet constructed my own list, (I am still attempting to come up with 10 that are even remotely interesting!) I have been thinking about other possible "lists" that might be somewhat enticing for people to read. "25 Uses for Mr. Clean Magic Eraser" or "25 Ways to Cook Tofu" just didn't seem to have the same cache, so with the encouragement of Twin Son's Better Half, I thought that I might share with all of you "My 25 Visions of What Hell Must be Like".
  1. Hell must have a roundabout like the Hollywood Circle. Souls endlessly trapped in their non-air conditioned vehicles, moving concentrically for all eternity, with no hope of ever getting off.
  2. Hell is having 14 children all under the age of 7 with no job to provide for them, no spouse to help with the care, and no viable place to live. 
  3. Hell has no PVR. Please tell me how we survived without this remarkable little gadget? We actually could only watch one TV show at a time. Imagine the inhumanity!
  4. Hell is a world where Paris Hilton is a celebrity and people actually care if Michael Phelps toked from a bong. Oh,wait! Riiiiiight!!!
  5. Exercise in Hell consists of a continuous loop of Richard Simmons' "Sweatin' to the Oldies".
  6. Hell is having to sit and watch Mamma Mia and suffer through the nightmare that is Pierce Brosnan's singing. 
  7. Hell is school curriculums without art, music, phys-ed, or drama. If our children are only educated in the "Three Rs", what will have they have to read and write about?
  8. Hell is a place with endless political ads.
  9. Hell is one giant circus with clowns so numerous it boggles the mind.
  10. In Hell, it must be impossible for any woman to be properly fitted for jeans, bras, or bathing suits. Oh, wait! Riiiiiiight!!!!
  11. I am certain that in my suite in Hell, I will be forced to listen to Bobby Vinton, Perry Como, ABBA, Celine Dion, Josh Groban and Mariah Carey for all eternity.
  12. Hell is definitely a place where Conservative Republicans rule. They must be there. Who else will be checking up on all of us wayward liberal souls, to make certain that we are where we are suppose to be and burning the way that we are supposed to?
  13. Hell has no chocolate!
  14. Hell has no James!
  15. My idea of Hell is Toronto in the winter. Snow, sleet, ice, wind and temperatures hovering below glacial, make the balminess of Hades seem positively enticing. 
  16. Hell is a world in which dogs are made to wear clothes like people and people wear leather collars like dogs. Oh, wait! Riiiiiight!!!!
  17. My idea of hell involves having to do all of my grocery shopping every week at Publix on Hallandale Beach Blvd, all the while double parked in front of the store. The devil couldn't come up with a better torture than that one.
  18. Hell is being made to drive across Steeles Avenue between Yonge and Bathurst for all eternity, and being forced to hit every single pothole in the process. 
  19. It must be Hell when men who throw a blazing fastball make hundreds of millions of dollars, but men who run into blazing buildings can barely afford their mortgages.
  20. It must be Hell when people who create art, music and beauty can barely afford food, but people who create nothing except ways to make more money are flying around the world on corporate jets.
  21. It must be Hell if the Husband is being forced to don a tie!
  22. In Hell, all television commercials have talking babies, talking animals or old politicians hawking Viagra!
  23. My Hell includes squirrels!
  24. I am certain that in order to get to Hell, I will be required to travel across the River Styx in some manner of aquatic device, puking over the side rails for the entire voyage.
  25. I am certain that in Hell I will be housed next to the chain-smoking, perfume wearing, lily-planting family, who buy all of their creams and lotions at the Body Shop, and cook fish every evening for dinner. The odours will be enough to send me screaming for relief.
There you have it. Feel free to chime in with your own. These are my ideas of Hell, but true Hell is a life without family and friends. 


  1. a little dark these days....are you back in Toronto?


  2. Have to tell you, my favorite is #6. OMG, whomever thought that allowing Pierce Brosnan to sing in Momma Mia was a good idea was on drugs. That was HORRENDOUS!!!! "The winner takes it all..." Please, we were all losers for having to sit through that performance. And my idea of Hell includes Colin Firth being gay. No way. (P.S. Loved your tribute to clowns in this list.)