The Great Family Cookie Bake-Off

I have remarked in this space before about the amazing ability of my family when it comes to baking. My mother and my other mother are true experts in the field, and they have passed this skill on, for better or for worse, down to their offspring. (The "worse" part comes with the caloric intake involved!!) Even the "married ins" seem to possess the necessary genetic code for admission into the clan. And while the gooey cakes and pies are lovely, (the Little Bro has spent an ungodly and frankly disturbing amount of his free time over the past six months on the art of scratch pie making) where we really show our culinary mettle is in the art of cookie making. Without shame and without posturing, I can honestly claim that we lay waste to any commercial bakery. This family is comprised of the creme de la creme of cookie bakers and we really earn our stripes when it comes to family gatherings. This weekend is just such an occasion. This weekend we will celebrate sister/cousin's children's B'nai Mitzvah, and the family ovens have been placed on high alert. Currently, we have whipped up 27 varieties of cookies and squares. 27!!!! This is slightly sickening and extraordinarily obsessive compulsive. 27! It boggles the mind. I was so blown away by the number, that I canvassed the clan and asked for the names of said delicacies so that I might offer up an interesting poll to the readers. I thought that it might be interesting to see where people's cookie allegiances lie. I will rhyme off the entire roster, and you all send me the one that you feel is your all-time favourite off of the list. I will publish the recipe of whichever cookie or square wins the poll. There are a few caveats. 

1. If you decide to try to make the recipe in your own homes, you must follow my mother's advice and NEVER substitute margarine for butter or artificial vanilla for pure vanilla. There is a reason our cookies are so good and it has nothing whatsoever to do with fake ingredients.
2. Understand that all ovens and all climates vary slightly, so tailor temperatures and times accordingly, but not until you have tested at ours.
3. Don't over-cream butters and sugars and never over-handle doughs. This will result in tough cookies.

Ok! Here we go with the list.

Ginger snap jam sandwiches
Rocky ledge bars
Corn Starch cookies
Chocolate Chip and Chocolate Chunk Cookies
Thick and Chewy Chocolate Cookies
Chocolate Macaroons
Oatmeal with Chocolate Covered raisins and currents
Tartlets with Coconut and Chocolate
Apricot Linzer Bars (Pucker Your lips)
Thumb Print cookies


3 kinds of Brownies
Rugalah
Crispy Corn Flakes Cookies
Oatmeal Raisin Chews
Chocolate Chip
Dark Chocolate Sour Cherry
Biscotti
Grammy Cookies
Chocolate Crackles
Reverse Chocolate Chunk
Mint Kisses Cookies
Chocolate Cookies with Sprinkles
Fudgy Wudgy
Shortbread Dipped in Dark Chocolate
Bubby's Chocolate Chunk
Oatmeal with Dark Chocolate and Cranberries
Dark Oatmeal with Raisins
Cupcakes

Amazingly, every single one of these recipes has been baked without any nut or nut products due to allergy concerns, but several of these recipes are so much better with a variety of nuts added. So take your time and cast your ballot carefully. Respond by clicking on the word comments at the end of this post and lay claim to the one recipe that you want most of all. I will happily oblige. Mazel Tov to the sister/cousin and her entire family. Simchas are good.

The Christmas/Channukah Problem

Several years ago, a friend of mine at our synagogue who hails from the southern hemisphere, was educating me on the observance of Channukah in his native country. The conversation was illuminating. (pun absolutely intended!) He reminded me that December in South America is smack dab in the middle of their summer, and as such a much slower time of year. The kids are out of school and many families take the opportunity to embark on vacations. The conclusion was obvious. Channukah is a minor holiday that is barely observed in my friend's country. Shavuot, on the other hand, is a different story altogether. This festival, which commemorates the giving of the Torah, is one of the most sacred on the Jewish calendar. It occurs in the springtime here and the autumn there. In South America it is a time of family gatherings and strong religious observance, in direct contrast to Channukah. So what happened to elevate Channukah in the hearts and minds of North American Jews? A little holiday called Christmas, of course. 

A bit of history is required. Channukah, for all intents and purposes, is the commemoration of a military win. It celebrates the successful victory of a small band of Jewish rebels fighting oppression and assimilation at the hands of the Hellenistic Assyrian army. The leader of this group was a Hasmonean priest named Mattathias. He and his five sons, including Judah the Maccabee, fought back against the creeping tide of assimilation, retook Jerusalem and re-established Jewish sovereignty. When they finally reached the Temple, they cleaned it and rededicated it and held an eight day celebration that was probably a delayed observance of the holiday of Sukkot, which is a major agricultural festival. This observance took hold and was eventually added to the calendar. (Notice there is no mention of oil or a miracle. That comes later!)

The story of the Maccabees is told in two books appropriately titled the First and Second Book of Maccabees. When the Hebrew bible was canonized, the books of the Maccabees were left out for a variety of reasons, not the least of which was a political battle that raged between two factions of priests vying for the hearts and minds of the Jewish people. I need to restate this for emphasis. The story of the Maccabbes is nowhere to be found in the Tanach, the Jewish bible. (Those Pharisees and Sadducees were such comical people!!) The Hasmoneans sided with the losing side in this debate and as such were relegated to the proverbial dustbin of history. It was left up to the early church to include poor old Judah and his brothers in the Apocrypha. 

So where is the oil and the miracle and all the fun stuff? Well, that doesn't show up until the Gemara, a part of the Talmud. At this time, the Jewish people were living under Roman rule, and celebrations of military victories were thought to be unwelcome. So, the rabbis concocted the tale of the miracle of the oil. It is a nice story that also serves to bring God into the picture. 

All of this just serves to illustrate how odd an observance Channukah was even to the rabbis of old. They struggled with the holiday, just as we do today. When Jews made their way into the societies of Christian majorities, it became easy to adopt the rituals of Christmas for a holiday that falls around the same time of year. Hence we have the special foods, songs and gift giving galore. But, let us not be fooled. Channukah is minor amongst the observances of my people. It is only the presence of Christmas that has elevated it in stature. 

Now I present all of this historical context not to dampen the joy that many take from Channukah celebrations, but to put into perspective just how difficult it is to be a non-Christian in North America at this time of year. So difficult in fact, that we have allowed a nice little holiday like Channukah to be co-opted by the "holiday machinery". In my line of work, I am constantly asked for a new and exciting Channukah song that might be included in some school's winter celebrations. I am extremely hesitant to offer up a token just so that inclusiveness might be served. (That said, I have very strong opinions about religious material being sung in public schools, but that is a post for another day!) I would like to suggest something radical. I would like to suggest that this year, we look at Channukah in a different context outside of the crazy gift-giving, cooking frenzies and decorations. I would like to ask that all of my Jewish friends take a step back and pause for some real understanding of the holiday; that it is not merely the "Jewish Christmas". And then, I would like to present an interesting alternative celebration. There is a movement afoot that I first noticed on Facebook.

The event is called "Save the Oil for 8 Days-Modern Maccabee Style" and it has as its goal to try and get everyone to function on one tank of gas beginning on the first night of Channukah, December 21st. It is a terrific way to help the planet, conserve oil and remake ourselves into modern Maccabees. 

When we kindle that first light of Channukah, let us remember why we do it. Let us recall our ancestry and let us remember the fight against tyranny and assimilation. Let us recall miracles and light, and let us rededicate ourselves to important causes. Let us live in harmony with our friends of other faiths, letting them enjoy their holidays without feeling the need to adopt them. Chag Channukah Sameach. A happy Channukah to all who observe.

Tales of Disgusted Woe from a Disillusioned Sports Fan

I love sports. I always have. Perhaps it is a natural outgrowth of growing up with my brother/cousin who was a fanatic. I wanted to do and be involved with everything that he was, and since girls couldn't play organized hockey in those days, I did the next best thing-I learned to talk the talk. (As an aside, I don't throw like a girl and I used to be able to play road hockey as well as any XY! It still pisses me off that our temple baseball team doesn't include women!) Ask anybody who knows me. I understand and can talk sports with the best of them. I am a devoted follower of my beloved Maple Leafs (I know-you can all stop laughing now!!) and my equally beloved Blue Jays. (Being a sports fan in Toronto requires enormous patience, a thick skin and a tremendous sense of humour!) I am also a glutton for constant punishment known in NFL circles as being a fan of the Los Angeles/St. Louis Rams. (Yesterday, as I was attempting to console Older Son on the loss taken by his beloved Giants to the sad sack, yet division rival Eagles, I stated that it could be worse; they could be 2-11 instead of 11-2. He replied, in a voice dripping with sarcasm, "Oh you mean like the Rams?" Nice kid I have raised!) My point is, that sports for me has always been a great hobby and a reliever of stress. I know and understand the intricacies of the games and I can easily engage in intelligent debate with the best of them, male or female. I am not naive, nor am I a purist on any level. I understand that sports are a business and, while I hate the constant movement and lack of allegiance that free agency has brought, I get the notion that both the players and the owners are in this game to make money. I also am fully cognizant that sports needs to keep evolving to keep up with the demands of the modern markets and technology. Save me from the old-school purists who believe that everything should remain the same. With that kind of logic, hockey goalies would still play without the safety of a mask, and football would be exclusively a running game without the forward pass. These issues, while challenging and certainly debate-worthy, are not the problems that are destroying professional and college level sports, in my humble opinion. It is the shit that is occurring outside of the arenas and off of the playing fields that should be of deep concern to all of those intimately involved.

Here is a sampling of stories involving sports figures or teams that have headlined not only the sport's sections of the newspapers, but front pages in the past week alone.

• In New York, Giant's wide receiver Plaxico Burress was arrested and charged with 2 separate gun-related felonies. Seems that Plaxico visited The Latin Quarter, a popular nightclub, last Saturday with friends. What Plaxico failed to tell his buddies, was that he was packing loaded and unregistered heat. He had stuffed the weapon into the waistband of his sweatpants (sweatpants???) and was a bit surprised (dumbass!) when the gun slipped down his leg. While attempting to retrieve the piece, this "peon of intellect" accidentally shot himself in the thigh. Instead of immediately calling the police, the other player with this moron, linebacker Antonio Pierce, piled his friend into his SUV and took off for the hospital. Pierce also tossed the weapon into the glove compartment of his car, never once thinking afterward that he should turn it into the cops. At the hospital, Burress checked in under an assumed name and the doctor who treated him never reported the incident to the cops. Of course the cops found out, hence the felony charges. Investigations continue into Pierce's role and the doctor in question has been suspended from her work pending a full investigation. Burress, who signed a $40 million contract extension in the off season has been suspended for the remainder of the season and his career is in obvious jeopardy.
  
• In Calgary last weekend, the hometown Flames were getting ready to host the visiting Dallas Stars. In the off season, the Stars had signed super-pest Sean Avery to a big-money contract. Avery is known around the NHL as having a big mouth and saying inappropriate things both on and off the ice. He is also an extremely talented player who keeps getting second, third and fourth chances as a result of his gifts, but it should be noted that he has played for 4 teams in 6 years as management and teammates quickly tire of his antics. Avery also has a penchant for dating and dumping beautiful Hollywood actresses and models. Last week he walked up to the waiting reporters and said some fairly ugly things regarding a former girlfriend who is now dating a defenseman on the Flames. Avery was immediately suspended by the league and there is some doubt as to whether or not he will be welcomed back by the Stars. His career is also in limbo. 
• OJ Simpson was sentenced last week to 9-33 years in prison for his part in the stupidity in Las Vegas. Enough said.

And this is only from the past seven days. We are constantly bombarded with tales of athletes cheating, doping, gambling, carrying weapons, lying to fans and grand juries, involving themselves in off-field fracases and the like. These idiots make millions of dollars (that I contribute to through the purchasing of tickets, memorabilia or cable services)  and because of that fact, they think that they are different from the rest of us simply because they can catch a ball, run like the wind or shoot a puck. I never thought that I would see the day when I was actually so disgusted with sports that I wouldn't watch. The games were always the redemption for the stupidity, but I think that the stupidity is finally winning out. I believe that it is time for morals clauses to be inserted into the contracts of professional athletes, whereby violations would result in immediate terminations. I believe that union officials need to stop coddling and fighting for the rights of athletes that have clearly abused the public trust. I believe that repeated chances for repeat offenders are a travesty and I believe that we the fans should vote with our dollars and our feet. Stop supporting these idiots who are ill-deserving of our worship and maybe they will get the message. It is long passed time for sports stories to return to the sports pages! I really want the action to return to the games and not the crap away from them.

What to do during Proroguing?

It is now official! The parliament of Canada has temporarily been put on hiatus so that the Prime Minister and his cronies can come up with a new strategy for the country that doesn't involve a gigantic pissing contest. Members of Parliament have been told to return home until January 26th, when, according to "his highness in a sweater vest", the business of the government will resume with the tabling of the federal budget. And, while the Governor General didn't make it easy for Stephen the Arrogant, (she made him sweat out a two hour meeting!) she really did make the only decision that she logically could make. So, now that our elected officials have an eight week paid vacation, (because God forbid that their salaries, pensions or benefit packages should have been prorogued!!) I thought that I might suggest a few ideas of how they might spend their time productively. Feel free to add your own ideas.

• Relationship counseling. This is not merely a suggestion, but I believe it should be a moral imperative for all of our elected officials, especially the leaders. Stick the four idiots in a room and force them to listen to their self-important and self-promoting speeches to the house, and their less than decorous responses to their colleagues over and over again on a continuous loop. (We've all had to!!) They should all be forced to apologize to each other, all of us, and then develop a strategy to work by. It is no less than we would expect from our bickering children or feuding spouses. We should demand it from the assholes that we were stupid enough to elect. After everyone has re-holstered their manhood, they should be impelled to remember some basic differences between a parliamentary system and a republic. Canadians as a whole did not elect Stephen Harper, the good folks of Calgary West did. He is Prime Minister by virtue of his heading up the party with the most seats. He is only one of 308 Members of the House of Commons and if his government has lost the confidence of the Parliament, it is well within the democratic principles laid out by our Constitution for the Opposition to bring it down. This is not a coup d'etat, but rather a perfectly legal, if maybe somewhat transparent, maneuver, but this is what all of the leaders signed on for when they ran for office, so gentlemen (and I use that term loosely) "get thee to a shrink." A bit of new-age kumbayaing is definitely called for right about now.
• Knit. Knitting is not only nerve-calming and extremely soothing, it is productive. Knitting circles are popping up all over the place. Why not stick every MP into a knitting circle? It would force them to relate personally to their constituents, and the products of their labours could be donated to homeless shelters, hospitals and Goodwill. Winter is here with a vengeance, why not put some of that free time to good use by making winter a bit warmer for those less fortunate.
• Snow removal. There are many individuals in my neighbourhood alone, who are not in any physical shape to safely clear their driveways. I suggest that we put the MPs to work shoveling. They are quite used to shoveling, only snow is colder! Think of the money that could be saved by our cities if we put the Members to work clearing the ice!
• Litter clean-up. Put them to work in our parks and public areas cleaning up the crap. It is not unusual to put people convicted of misdemeanors to work on community service. These jerks have barely begun their community service and they are getting paid outrageous sums to sit on their asses. Get to work and help clean up the communities that you claim to represent.
• Volunteer. Big Brothers and Big Sisters could use 308 semi-intelligent people to help with all of those kids looking for mentors. Maybe they could work at "out of the cold" programs or clean cages at the Humane Society. There is a lengthy list of agencies just crying for help and maybe if our ivory towered politicians saw up close those whom their politics directly affects, they might be less likely to slash and burn.
• Teach in our public schools. Put every one of them to work explaining political science to our kids and make them answer for their decisions. Our children are often our toughest critics and ask the toughest questions. Our politicians need to be educated by our youth.

These are just a few that popped into my scrambled brain. I am sure that you have others. Send them along and I will publish.  

UPDATE*** The Sound of Music trivia is closed and I must say that I never thought that you guys would wuss out on the toughies. I did get a few responses, but Kathy once again triumphed with 10/10! Thanks all for playing.

Odetta: A Memorial

This has been a difficult year for us counter-culture types. We have seen many of our legends depart. Odetta was a pioneer of the folk movement, whose bluesy-folkie style influenced the likes of Belafonte and Dylan. A tremendous talent and a voice blessed from above. Enjoy Odetta!

Twas Three Weeks Before

With true apologies to Clement Moore, I offer my own little version of his holiday poem. My only request is that if you pass this on, please give me credit.  I really did write it!

Twas three weeks before solstice, and all over the earth,

People were hoping for a modicum of mirth.

With happiness tarnished, and nerves being frayed

By the loss of life-savings and 401Ks.

Investors were hopeful that something was ready

Perhaps a big bailout like Fannie and Freddie's?

But ma in her kerchief knew what was quite real

That only a car maker gets such a deal!

When out in the real world there rose such a clatter,

The dumbasses in office couldn't handle the matter.

On Sussex they blustered with more of the same

And dicked around playing political games.

They smirked and they name-called, each in their turn

And proverbially fiddled while watching Rome burn.

And south of the border, the lame-duck in chief

Just threw up his hands in stunned disbelief.

He'd nothing of substance to say to the mob,

He believes that they're doing "A Heckuva Job".

And, anyway he has a task that's more fun

It's pardoning season in old Washington!

And quick as a flash he wondered aloud

"Who should I pardon in this motley crowd?"

"There's Rummy and Dick and Alberto pre-emptive,

And Marion Jones seems very redemptive!"

"And what should I do about Scooter so steady,

He really has suffered a great deal already!"

"And though we all know that your stars' clearly fell

A sign of my name will erase all that smell."

"For 50 more days I will do as I wish,

And truly believe it's been "Mission Accomplished!"

But, out in the distance a small ray of hope,

That made us believe that we might really cope.

A man who is smart and steady and wise

Survived an election in spite of the lies.

He's already shown that he will not tarry

We really do like this Barack once named Barry!

His stride is with confidence, his thoughts they are deep

 Tries not to make promises he surely can't keep.

His words they are measured and honestly even,

He needs to come north and give lessons to Stephen.

He knows it is tough, this task he has taken,

But the people won't feel as though they're forsaken.

As he and his family prepare to move in,

Perhaps world healing can finally begin.

Perhaps we can stop all the madness around

And seek some solutions that might be profound.

Start taking some care with the world so entrusted,

And start fixing up some of the stuff that's been busted!

It can't all be done in 4 or 8 years,

But a start is a start to allay a few fears.

And so I proclaim in this season of fest,

Let's look to the future and hope for the best!

A Five Senses Guide to December.

I know it is here. I can see it. The dusting of white stuff that invaded last evening is proof positive that it is here. (Although in fairness to Old Lady Nature, it could have been a whole lot worse!) The malls scream December. The tinsel, green and red ornaments and ubiquitous trees are everywhere. (If you search really hard you might spot the hidden dreydl!) Rotund men in red velvet suits are now suffering their end of the year indignities; leaky diapers, screaming toddlers, frazzled parents and elves clad in green spandex. Outdoor lighting displays, while dazzling, are defying the principles of conservation. (We here in Toronto are preparing to pay for plastic grocery bags, but God forbid we should address the energy hogs of the holiday season!) Parking lots have become a bizarre game of "Who can Spot the Spot?" Crowds jostle and push and cuss, in strange contrast to the ideals of the season. Television has become of dumping ground of holiday specials, concerts, movies and animation. (Rudolph and Frosty haven't aged a day and Linus is still teaching Charlie Brown the true meaning of Christmas!) Yes, I can certainly see December.

I know it is here. I can feel it. My bones ache from the dampness, sudden chills and below zero temperatures. There aren't enough layers of clothing to keep me warm. My body is screaming for its daily dose of Vitamin D in order to combat my SADs. I require light and warmth. There is now a channel on the satellite that simulates a crackling fire, (Really! All it is, is a virtual burning fire that is never consumed. A sort of holiday version of the burning bush!) and I find this strangely nourishing. I crave comfort foods like soups and stews and casseroles and I don't even eat or like stews or casseroles! I force myself to exercise to stave off packing on the pounds in preparation for hibernation. I push myself out of the house in a desperate attempt to stay sane. I have begun to count down the hours rather than the days until my migration south. Yes, I can certainly feel December.

I know it is here. I can smell it. There is never as much pine in the air as there is in December. Even artificial trees are sprayed with some ungodly odour that better simulates Pine-Sol than pine tree. Ginger, cloves, allspice and peppermint are prevalent in the bakeries. (Doesn't anybody like gingerbread at any other time of the year?) Starbucks has strange coffee menu items like Gingersnap Lattes and Peppermint Mocha Twist. Cooking and baking is happening everywhere. The local supermarkets reek with a variety of  food odours that they are trying to entice the public to purchase. Perfume is prevalent as people head out into the party scene. I am overcome by the pungency of the diesel, as snow plows and salt trucks make their way through the neighbourhoods. I can also smell the panic, the fear, and the desperation as shoppers attempt to find that one missing item on their lists. Yes, I can certainly smell December.

I know it is here. I can taste it. The deep-fried rancidness of the latkes is already in my mouth and I haven't had one yet. People who would never touch a doughnut during the rest of the year, are suddenly charmed by their delectability when we rename them sufganiyot for the holiday.  Peppermint is added to everything. Hershey's kisses were never meant to include candy canes! (Strangely enough-I kind of like these!) What exactly is allspice and why must it be added to my tea? I realize that I am a Jew, but can somebody explain the attraction and taste of fruitcake or eggnog? I mean check out the ingredients for this brew and tell me that anybody actually likes it.

4 egg yolks

1/3 cup sugar, plus 1 tablespoon

1 pint whole milk

1 cup heavy cream

3 ounces bourbon

1 teaspoon freshly grated nutmeg

4 egg whites

I can actually feel my arteries hardening! I am convinced that the bourbon is there for the sole purpose of anesthetizing the tastebuds! December eating is the atomic bomb of healthy consumption. Yes, I can certainly taste December

I know it is here. I can hear it. Christmas carols (and let us be honest, that is what they are- not holiday songs!) are everywhere. Radio stations give up their entire December format to Christmas. Stores play Jingle Bells so often that you can actually see a glazed-over look of submission from the employees. Big-name entertainers suddenly appear on every TV show hawking their latest holiday albums. I truly believe that the world would have gotten along just fine without "A Twisted Christmas", Twisted Sister's musical take on the season. The smart thing to do is to play last year's offerings and wait for January to purchase the soon-to-be bargain bin items from this year. Channukah is not ignored. I Have a Little Dreydl has become a December staple. (Channukah actually has some terrific music and if you are interested in some ideas, please contact me and I will put you onto some exciting new sounds that aren't all about latkes and dreydls!!) December is filled with the sounds of sleigh bells ringing and horns honking. Voices singing and voices swearing. Wrapping paper tearing and waistbands expanding. Yes, I can certainly hear December.

I realize that much of this sounds cynical. December should be a time of family gatherings and religious observance. (I have mine and you all can have yours!) It should be a time of looking back on the old and embracing the new. It should be, but clearly it isn't. It has become about consumption and greed, about frenzied spending and bottom-lines. It has become about gluttony and overindulgence. December fills my senses, but I think that it is time to get sensible about December.