The Husband's Wedding Speech....Finally!

We have a guest post today.

I was finally successful in my begging and pleading with The Husband, and he has graciously relented to the publishing of the speech he gave at Younger Son's and His B'shert's recent nuptials. His reticence has been based mostly on the fact that he was concerned it would lose impact and import if it is merely read as opposed to actually witnessing the exceptional presentation he gave that evening. I am absolutely convinced that he has nothing to worry about on this account, and that considering the deals I had to make with devil in order for him to agree (you really shouldn't ask for the details on a family-style blog), I know that you will also nod your heads in assent. (This is the part where you all obediently nod your heads vigourously.) So, here it is. A first for this blog. A guest post from The Husband. And....it conveniently strips another day of NaBloPoMo off of the calendar.

Wedding Speech (From the Father of the Groom)

I know what most of you are thinking right now. The answer is... about five minutes. I've been to a lot of weddings in the last year, and despite the heartfelt and passionate nature of all the speeches I've heard, I can't recall a single detail about any of them, so I take great comfort in the fact that none of you will remember this either.

I wasn’t sure where to start when preparing this speech, so I consulted father-of-the-groom-speeches.com. I found there a template for a father-of-the-groom speech that I thought I would follow. In other words, How To Write a Speech in Seven Easy Steps. So here we go.

Step 1: “Start with an inspirational quote, or a short poem”. Upon proofreading this speech, Dawn vetoed my poem. Some nonsense about off-colour limericks not being wedding appropriate. So, I decided to go with an inspirational quote from one of our favourites, Ogden Nash:

“To keep your marriage brimming,
 With love in the loving cup, 
Whenever you're wrong, admit it; 
Whenever you're right, shut up.”

Step 2: Next on the father-of-the-groom speech template is welcoming guests. Dawn and I are so incredibly honoured by your presence here tonight. Today is truly momentous, but it is being able to share it with all of you, our friends and family, old and new, that makes it extraordinary. So many of you have travelled great distances in order to be here, and that is a testament as to how important K and L are to you. For that we are grateful and we thank-you all for celebrating with us. At the same time, we can’t help but think of cherished loved ones who are absent this evening. We miss Aunty Marlene deeply and know how much she was looking forward to this day. We are terribly sad that Zaidy Milton is not well enough to be here, but we know that he is thinking of us tonight.

Step 3: The template tells me that it is now mandatory to welcome the bride to the family. This seems a little redundant. L, you are so outgoing, friendly and caring that you fit right into our family, immediate and extended, very quickly. No easy task, given our substantial motley crew. Clearly family is very important to you. We can hardly remember when you were not “one of us”. L, there is no doubt that all that you are and all that you have become is because of your roots. We are so privileged to be able to call John, Robin and Josh family.
We know how hard it was for you to leave home and move north of the border. Canada might not have all of the qualities of the civilized world that you are accustomed to in Aurora, Ohio, but we’re trying. We have Panera, DSW, and, if you give it a chance, Target. Nordstrom is coming next year, and maybe someday DQ will offer chocolate soft serve. Don’t worry about mastering kilometres, celsius, litres and kilograms. We’re bilingual and will understand you when you talk miles, fahrenheit, gallons and pounds. We don’t have a provincial college that we’re all supporters of, but we are determined to make you feel at home, so I want to announce that, henceforth, our family will adopt the Buckeyes as our official team.

Step 4: It says here that I “must compliment the bride”. Now, anyone that knows me will understand, I don’t like being told I must do something. Its pretty much a foolproof way of ensuring that I won’t do it. So, L, you’ll understand that what I am about to say is not because I’m being forced to. You really look so beautiful tonight. You should be so very proud of all the work you did in making this celebration happen beyond just saying “yes” to K. You are gregarious, accomplished, strong-minded, independent, and intuitive. And, on top of all of that, we think your taste in men is impeccable.

Step 5: The instructions are very explicit. I quote: “Congratulate son for choosing such a lovely wife, but be careful not to exaggerate with the compliments. You must be sincere and tell only what you really think, if that doesn’t offend anyone, of course. So, in your father of the groom toast you shouldn’t say what others want to hear from you, if you really don’t feel that way. Because, if you lie, the guests will figure out and you will make a bad impression.” Okay, I’ll be sincere and I hope I won’t offend anyone. K, we want to congratulate you for choosing such a lovely wife! No, really. I sincerely, sincerely, sincerely believe you have found a truly lovely partner. Congratulations. Sincerely.

Step 6: This is the part of the speech where I’m instructed to tell you all about my son. Anybody who knows K will confirm that he is highly intelligent, creative, fun-loving, and sensitive. I could go on and on about his love of music, movies, theatre, and Maple Leafs hockey. He is a dedicated and loyal friend and a caring and compassionate brother, son and grandson. You know we love you dearly, K, but truly the best word to describe you is....GEEK! Really.... a true fanboy! We always knew that when something excited K he would talk increasingly faster, louder, and ad-nauseum about whatever had caught his interest. He still does. To see this for yourself, just ask Kyle about Batman, Superman, Marvel Comics, DC Comics, Video Games, Pokemon, Superhero movies, the new TV season, Super Mario, Nintendo, XBox, PlayStation, or the latest release of Unix, iOS, or OSX, or the latest iPhone, iPad, or MacBook. He is our very own, Leonard Hofstadter. L, is it true that K is taking you to Comic-Con for your honeymoon?

Step 7: The final stage of a father-of-the-groom speech is to give some advice for married life. It is suggested that I draw upon my own experience, but that I be careful to not offend anyone, especially my wife. (Don’t look so worried, Dawn.) Well, I’m sure you’ve heard all sorts of marriage advice, both serious and funny. There are no shortage of jokes about marriage and a myriad of relationship self- help books published. Everyone has their own advice and you’ll find a lot of conflicting ideas. But we do have some serious advice for you that has served us well for almost thirty years. Mom and I firmly believe that you shouldn’t take anyone’s marriage advice, including ours. This marriage is your’s and L’s. You have to find what works for you and what makes the two of you happy. Keep on talking, keep on loving, keep on enjoying. The rest will take care of itself. We love you both. Mazel Tov!!

Almost Wordless Wednesday

My Almost Wordless Wednesday features yet another image from this past year that took my breath away. In my career I have been fortunate and privileged to be present at a myriad of Jewish weddings and I have seen many different styles of chuppot. The chuppah (for those wondering) is the canopy under which Jewish couples marry. Without delving into too much history and custom, it basically represents the home the couple will make together and the openness on all sides represents the hospitality that will be shown within that home. The cloth covering above is symbolic of the presence of the Divine Being enveloping the new marriage in a state of kiddushin or holiness.

I have never before seen a chuppah as truly magnificent as the one at Younger Son's recent marriage to his B'shert. It was designed as a wedding gift by a dear friend of my son's. Sarah is a talented textile artist who wanted to do something special for the bride and groom. She transcended even the highest of expectations. If you are looking for something truly unique for your wedding, I urge you to consider contacting Sarah at Motif Textiles or find her on Facebook. 

Chuppah at sunset

Hebrew names of bride and groom surrounding a rose

**photos by Eli Amon

Wedding Daze

Younger Son and His Beshert have been married for almost three weeks now. Incredible. If I thought that time flew before, it is positively ethereal now. I have said very little publicly about that day and aside from posting a few pictures on Facebook, there is scant anecdotal evidence from me that the occasion actually occurred. (I am trying mightily to get The Husband to allow me to post his brilliant wedding speech. So far I have had no success. Maybe if you all provide some pressure, he will allow me to share it with the masses.) The range of emotions leading up to and encompassing that Sunday three weeks ago were and still are so terribly overwhelming that I haven't been ready to unpack them and share them with anybody other than my closest confidants, and truth be told I'm still not. Hopefully that time will come before the end of this blogapalooza month. I could really use the post to fill a day. Instead, today I will regale you with some of the behind the scenes mayhem that occurred during wedding weekend. Most weddings have a few glitches that nobody discusses until the tenth anniversary celebrations, but some of these were so comical that they deserve a timely sharing.

The bedlam began a few days before. The bride wanted to take her dress into a dry cleaner in order to have them steam out the creases from the lace bodice. She had been storing it here at our home, and a local establishment had been highly recommended. She dropped it off with the understanding that pickup would be on the Friday, two days before the wedding. That Friday was a beehive of activity. The Husband and Younger Son headed to the airport to pickup a few members of the wedding party, including the bride's brother. They dropped him off at the tuxedo rental place to meet his sister and their parents so that he could be properly fitted for his tux. In the meantime, The Husband and Younger Son brought two of the bridesmaids back to our house to wait for the bride to finish with her brother, and then we would all head into midtown for the rehearsal.

Potential Crisis #1.  When she went to retrieve her dress just before meeting us at the house, she brushed it up against her car, resulting in a black smudge across the skirt. Reeling, she returned immediately to the dry cleaner to see what they could do. Unfortunately, we live in The North Jewish Ghetto and this all happened late Friday afternoon, just before Shabbat. The only employee remaining in the cleaning shop was the seamstress. She told The Beshert to call back early Saturday morning. Somebody would answer. When she finally came into our house, she was a mess of emotion. Her Saturday was scheduled down to the minute with wedding prep and Younger Son was running all over the city shlepping and carting. It was finally decided that The Husband and I would retrieve the dress when ready and transport it downtown. The only problem was that we had a car stuffed with whisky supplies. You see, the biggest whisky show in Canada was that same weekend.  As fate would have it, it was happening at the same hotel where we were staying. The Husband had made arrangements months prior for others to cover the show, but due to totally unforeseen and unavoidable circumstances, he had no choice but to cart all of the supplies for the show down to the venue and set up the booth with Older Son. (Older Son was an amazing beast all weekend. His role in averting several potential disasters is upcoming. Read on!) Where could we possibly put the dress? A game of Tetris ensued and the backseat of my car was transformed into a wedding dress hyperbaric chamber, complete with sheeting and plastic covering. The dress made it downtown intact and the dry cleaners didn't even charge us for the stain removal. ON SHABBAT!! Crisis #1 averted.

Potential Crisis #2. As we were checking into the hotel, we ran into the bride and groom in the lobby. They informed us that during all of the pandemonium of shlepping and carting stuff to the wedding venue that afternoon, they had inadvertently left their Ontario marriage license and my son's tallit (prayer shawl) at their apartment in midtown, both necessary for the ceremony the next day. Anybody who knows Toronto well knows that these trips up and down town are anything but routine travel. Traffic and construction make for hellish commutes in this city, and we are talking about hours not minutes when discussing the retrieval of these items. "No worries", states Older Son and Best Man Extraordinaire. He is staying at his home on Saturday night and he will retrieve the items before he makes his way back to the hotel on Sunday morning. Crisis #2 averted.

Potential Crisis #3. The Toronto Waterfront Marathon. 27,000 runners from all over the world converged upon Toronto that weekend, with the start and finish lines of the race presenting themselves directly across the street from our hotel at Nathan Phillips Square, Toronto City Hall. No worries. The wedding wasn't actually happening at the hotel, but rather at a venue on the waterfront about fifteen minutes away. On a normal day. In normal traffic. This was hardly a normal day. Just by chance at about 9:30am, The Husband decided to walk through the lobby of the hotel where he ran into the bridal party. The girls, including the bride and her mother, were waiting for two cabs, that were already 45 minutes late, to transport them to the wedding venue. The cabs simply couldn't navigate the marathon traffic with its myriad of road closures and newly formed one-way streets. The young women were loaded down with dresses and accessories and were starting to panic about missed hair and makeup appointments that were already behind schedule. When one of the taxis finally arrived, the bridesmaids all piled in, while Super Husband grabbed his keys and transported the bride, her mom, and the dress. The original plan had called for him to drop them off, come back and get me in order to drive me over. That plan fell quickly by the wayside when a half an hour roundtrip drive turned into two and half hours, surrounded by thousands of runners and hundreds of cops telling him that he couldn't get there from here. He would call me every five minutes to update his snail-like progress through Toronto's downtown and west end. When he finally did arrive back at the hotel, he quickly changed into his tux, we grabbed all of our stuff, including my parents and all of  their stuff, and we all piled back into the car for the return trip. The amazing thing was that through it all, The Husband never once lost his composure or his temper. That's what weddings will do for you. It is a chronic happy place. Crisis #3 averted.

Potential Crisis #4. This particular one felt like the wedding gods piling on. The groom and his groomsmen were all meeting at the hotel to get ready together on Sunday morning. While all of the shit about transporting the girls was occurring, the bride discovered that she had left her veil back at their apartment. In midtown. An hour away in good traffic. The guys, including Older Son now with marriage license and tallit in tow, were already assembled at the hotel with the groom. The marathon made car transportation back uptown next to impossible. So, Best Man Extraordinaire hops on the subway back to midtown, retrieves the veil, returns via subway to the hotel, and then catches a cab with the rest of the guys to the wedding venue.  As the groom himself said..."Daniel wins the wedding!!" Crisis #4 averted.

The crazy part about all of these backstage shenanigans is that not a single one was enough to alter anybody's mood. There was just too much happiness and joy for the shit to hit the proverbial fan and put a damper on the day. The weather was glorious, the couple radiant, the parents sobbing puddles of goo, and the marriage is off to a wonderful start. It was quite the day.

My Wedding Speech....That I Won't Be Giving at The Wedding

My son is getting married  next week.

That's Younger Son. 

My baby.

This is the child who always made me feel as though my youth was a foregone conclusion.

A mendacity for certain, but one with which I felt I could easily live.

My youngest child is getting married.

I keep repeating it over and over to myself in the hope that the reality will sink in, but instead I find that it is the source of my latest bout with insomnia.

Now, don't misunderstand me. I am thrilled and excited for Younger Son and His Beshert; for all of us actually. Simchas are this family's lifeblood. I adore my boy and the sublime young woman who is now my daughter. These two wonderful people have found each other amidst the flotsam and jetsam of the relationship sea. Their future is before them and I couldn't be happier.

Still....it's 3:00am....and I am staring at the ceiling hoping that I might be granted an epiphany to explain how I feel. But.....I've got nothing of substance, nothing that can be easily articulated.

Instead I offer knowledge. Mine to be certain and perhaps more that just a wee bit self-important and pontificating, but it comes from a virtuous place and more than thirty years of being with the same person. That....and really....what's the use of having a blog if you can't utilize it as a vanity space. Maybe just chalk all of this up to the rantings of an overly emotive MOG (Mother of the Groom) a week before her son's marriage. Since I won't be speaking on the day of....a choice well made I might add....here are a few things for my son and new daughter-in-law to ponder.

The wedding will be beautiful even if a few details get missed in the mayhem. I don't say that because I am planning for mayhem or even to suggest that details will be shirked, but rather to remind us all that the most important detail will be witnessing and celebrating the union of these two loving souls. Everything else is gravy. The rabbis attach great importance to the mitzvah of Simchat Chatan v'Kalah, rejoicing with the groom and the bride. Rabbi Eli Mansour elucidates:

The Rambam (Maimonides) comments (Hilchot Avel 14:1) that although the Torah makes no specific reference to this Mitzvah, it is included under the general category of "Ve'ahavta Le'rei'acha Kamocha" ("Love your fellow as yourself" – Lev 19:18). Thus, one who helps bring joy to a bride and groom fulfills a "Mitzvat Asei Min Ha'Torah" – the Biblical command to "love your fellow as yourself."

Weddings matter. A lot. But marriages matter more.

Marriage is hard work. Every single day. It never stops being hard work. It is about making a conscious decision to accept the fact that maybe he doesn't make the bed in the mornings or that maybe she needs to talk to family every day. It is about mortgage payments, and in-laws, and children, and pets, and religious practices, and priorities, and career choices, and who controls the TV remote or the thermostat, and division of household labour, and nursing care, and worry, and panic, and........

It is about not always winning and about not caring about winning. It is about screaming and slamming doors, but never walking away no matter how tempted you may be. It is about having the fortitude to work through the shit because that's what you promised each other, even though the shit is knee-deep. It is about asking for help when needed and about making lasting decisions together. Marriage isn't for everybody and it certainly isn't for the feint of heart.

But....

It does have its moments. Like when he touches your arm for no reason while you are at a restaurant, or when she shoots you a knowing glance during a movie that only the two of you understand. Like when the two of you share inside jokes, intimate history, family, friends, or maybe when you someday stand together with your children under the chuppah. Those are the connections that matter. They are amongst the gifts that your life together will keep on giving to you and they are amongst the most precious.

Years ago I read somewhere that saying "I Love You" during sex is too easy and shouldn't count. Saying it at other times demands more thought and care. Be thoughtful and caring of each other. Be demonstrative in public and say "I Love You" out loud when it is least expected but it might matter most. Flirt and play with each other. Be each other's spouse, partner, person, lover, and friend. Be each other's cheering section and most constructive critic. Understand your differences but accentuate your similarities. Know your weaknesses and catch each other when needed.

No parent could ask for more than to see their children happy. My wish for you both is that you take the joy you feel today and build on it for a lifetime. I know that I am truly blessed....

even if I can't sleep.

Pushing Through the Pain

I was listening to a Susan Werner live album the other day and I was struck by a conversation she recalled having at one time with her grandmother. She asked this wonderfully astute centenarian what  she thought was the secret to a long-lasting marriage. The older woman replied "Well...it seems to me that you should marry somebody that you can live with, and not somebody who you can't live without."

Here's another.

Several years ago, I asked my mother a similar question. 

Me: "Mom, why do you think that you and Dad have survived marriage when so many others have failed?"

Mom: (Without missing a beat) "Pain".

I was obviously dumbfounded and confused. I had expected an answer that was all tied up in platitudes like mutual respect, common interests, and love. So I pressed her for elucidation.

Mom: "You see...If you can survive the pain...the physical and the emotional...then you can survive anything. You have to push through the pain"

Have I ever told you that I think that my mother is brilliant?

Pain is the great equalizer in a relationship. Look...it is easy to enjoy the hearts and flowers, the romantic moments and the happy vacations. It is the coping with the pain that separates the marriage flounderers from the survivors.

The Husband and I have been reminded of that lesson this week. 

After several years of suffering (and I do mean suffering) with chronic kidney stones, he underwent a procedure designed to clean out the mess. The outpatient surgery lasted less than an hour, but the subsequent days of recuperation have been less than a stellar experience. Without delving into gory details of the procedure or its side-effects, suffice it to say that the wretched discomfort that he has undergone would bring professional football players to their knees. The cocktail of narcotics and analgesics that he is on is barely making a dent in managing his pain, and it took a trip to the emergency room the other night and two doses of morphine to allow him his first sleep in two days. (mine too, but that is so beside the point.) 

Watching this man, this man for whom the word love is too pedantic for how I feel towards him, suffer in this way has been gut wrenching. Every movement or spasm resonates through me as it does through him. And yet...I am rendered absolutely helpless as he struggles to make his way through this nightmarish week. Sure...I can nurse him, wait on him (to his utter horror and misery), run his errands, and generally just be here for him, but I cannot alleviate his suffering no matter how much I might wish it to be so.

Thankfully, this too shall pass (sorry for the pun, but it is all in the name of laughter being some kind of medicine) and our lives will move on when the worst is over, but I know that it has already become another plank in the foundation that has made our relationship strong. 

As the wedding of Younger Son and His B'sheret rapidly approaches, I have been wracking my brain for sage and sensible advice that might be passed on to the next generation, L'dor Vador if you will, as to the secrets for a successful marriage. So if I may be forgiven a few platitudes, here goes.

Marriage is one of the most difficult life projects that you will ever undertake. It is filled with pitfalls and obstacles designed to test your patience and your abilities to weather adversity. Absolutely celebrate and enjoy all of the wonders and marvellous times. Those are the Kodak moments. But my mother and Susan Werner's grandma were right. It is how you survive and endure the pain that will truly cement your relationship. That is the person that you want to live and be with. If you are there for each other through all of that, the rest will take care of itself. 

I Look Hideous in Beige

My son is getting married.

That's Younger Son! As in....my baby. The last of the progeny. The child who gave me the illusion of my own youth even after it had long dissolved into middle age.

There is an old adage that states that the Mother of the Groom should just shut up and buy a beige dress.

Well...this blog's very existence should tell you that blending into the woodwork has never been a part of my persona, and besides I look hideous in beige.

Marriage.

It is a word and an act that carries such permanence and stability in a world that is full of tremendous fluidity and inconsistency. I am not at all surprised by Younger Son and His Young Lady's foray into wedlock. (As an aside, I need a new handle for her. I have toyed with calling her Future Daughter-in-Law, but it  is a mouthful and sounds slightly archaic. I am accepting suggestions.) He has always been the child who is most likely to crave solidity and balance. He is the son who always had a plan....for his schooling, his career, and now for his life partner. He likes and plays to traditional norms even though he might strenuously object to my characterizing him in this manner. "God, Mom. You make me sound so boring!" He is anything but. He is smart, talented, creative, easy-going, and so very comfortable in his own skin. A true gift that isn't often found in one so young. I am tremendously proud of him and the path he has chosen and of the strong, independent, outgoing, capable, and loving woman who has agreed to share it.

There will be a few blog posts upcoming about the wedding plans. It is an inevitability. When such a monumentous event grabs hold of a family, it becomes the focus. The Young Lady (Yup. That moniker really doesn't work any longer) has taken hold of the project with gusto. She knows her mind and has a definite vision of what she wants the day to be like. As for me? I will try so very hard to not be the meddling mother-in-law that brides tend to consign to the dustbins of family folklore with tales so vile that the Brothers Grimm plagiarized them. You all have my permission to slap me senseless if I get out of hand. Seriously. Do it. 

But I cannot remain silent about how wonderful it is to watch your children achieve this level of happiness. It is all that we as parents hope and pray for. They are so jubilant even through the haze and pressure of preparations. I know that the road will not always be easy and I know that life will present challenges that will at times seem insurmountable. But if they hold on tight to the love and connection they feel for each other, the ride will be thrilling. The wedding is the event, but the marriage is the lifetime.

I will have more to say as the year passes, but I can honestly promise all of you that it won't be coloured beige.