My Wedding Speech....That I Won't Be Giving at The Wedding

My son is getting married  next week.

That's Younger Son. 

My baby.

This is the child who always made me feel as though my youth was a foregone conclusion.

A mendacity for certain, but one with which I felt I could easily live.

My youngest child is getting married.

I keep repeating it over and over to myself in the hope that the reality will sink in, but instead I find that it is the source of my latest bout with insomnia.

Now, don't misunderstand me. I am thrilled and excited for Younger Son and His Beshert; for all of us actually. Simchas are this family's lifeblood. I adore my boy and the sublime young woman who is now my daughter. These two wonderful people have found each other amidst the flotsam and jetsam of the relationship sea. Their future is before them and I couldn't be happier.

Still....it's 3:00am....and I am staring at the ceiling hoping that I might be granted an epiphany to explain how I feel. But.....I've got nothing of substance, nothing that can be easily articulated.

Instead I offer knowledge. Mine to be certain and perhaps more that just a wee bit self-important and pontificating, but it comes from a virtuous place and more than thirty years of being with the same person. That....and really....what's the use of having a blog if you can't utilize it as a vanity space. Maybe just chalk all of this up to the rantings of an overly emotive MOG (Mother of the Groom) a week before her son's marriage. Since I won't be speaking on the day of....a choice well made I might add....here are a few things for my son and new daughter-in-law to ponder.

The wedding will be beautiful even if a few details get missed in the mayhem. I don't say that because I am planning for mayhem or even to suggest that details will be shirked, but rather to remind us all that the most important detail will be witnessing and celebrating the union of these two loving souls. Everything else is gravy. The rabbis attach great importance to the mitzvah of Simchat Chatan v'Kalah, rejoicing with the groom and the bride. Rabbi Eli Mansour elucidates:

The Rambam (Maimonides) comments (Hilchot Avel 14:1) that although the Torah makes no specific reference to this Mitzvah, it is included under the general category of "Ve'ahavta Le'rei'acha Kamocha" ("Love your fellow as yourself" – Lev 19:18). Thus, one who helps bring joy to a bride and groom fulfills a "Mitzvat Asei Min Ha'Torah" – the Biblical command to "love your fellow as yourself."

Weddings matter. A lot. But marriages matter more.

Marriage is hard work. Every single day. It never stops being hard work. It is about making a conscious decision to accept the fact that maybe he doesn't make the bed in the mornings or that maybe she needs to talk to family every day. It is about mortgage payments, and in-laws, and children, and pets, and religious practices, and priorities, and career choices, and who controls the TV remote or the thermostat, and division of household labour, and nursing care, and worry, and panic, and........

It is about not always winning and about not caring about winning. It is about screaming and slamming doors, but never walking away no matter how tempted you may be. It is about having the fortitude to work through the shit because that's what you promised each other, even though the shit is knee-deep. It is about asking for help when needed and about making lasting decisions together. Marriage isn't for everybody and it certainly isn't for the feint of heart.

But....

It does have its moments. Like when he touches your arm for no reason while you are at a restaurant, or when she shoots you a knowing glance during a movie that only the two of you understand. Like when the two of you share inside jokes, intimate history, family, friends, or maybe when you someday stand together with your children under the chuppah. Those are the connections that matter. They are amongst the gifts that your life together will keep on giving to you and they are amongst the most precious.

Years ago I read somewhere that saying "I Love You" during sex is too easy and shouldn't count. Saying it at other times demands more thought and care. Be thoughtful and caring of each other. Be demonstrative in public and say "I Love You" out loud when it is least expected but it might matter most. Flirt and play with each other. Be each other's spouse, partner, person, lover, and friend. Be each other's cheering section and most constructive critic. Understand your differences but accentuate your similarities. Know your weaknesses and catch each other when needed.

No parent could ask for more than to see their children happy. My wish for you both is that you take the joy you feel today and build on it for a lifetime. I know that I am truly blessed....

even if I can't sleep.

Pushing Through the Pain

I was listening to a Susan Werner live album the other day and I was struck by a conversation she recalled having at one time with her grandmother. She asked this wonderfully astute centenarian what  she thought was the secret to a long-lasting marriage. The older woman replied "Well...it seems to me that you should marry somebody that you can live with, and not somebody who you can't live without."

Here's another.

Several years ago, I asked my mother a similar question. 

Me: "Mom, why do you think that you and Dad have survived marriage when so many others have failed?"

Mom: (Without missing a beat) "Pain".

I was obviously dumbfounded and confused. I had expected an answer that was all tied up in platitudes like mutual respect, common interests, and love. So I pressed her for elucidation.

Mom: "You see...If you can survive the pain...the physical and the emotional...then you can survive anything. You have to push through the pain"

Have I ever told you that I think that my mother is brilliant?

Pain is the great equalizer in a relationship. Look...it is easy to enjoy the hearts and flowers, the romantic moments and the happy vacations. It is the coping with the pain that separates the marriage flounderers from the survivors.

The Husband and I have been reminded of that lesson this week. 

After several years of suffering (and I do mean suffering) with chronic kidney stones, he underwent a procedure designed to clean out the mess. The outpatient surgery lasted less than an hour, but the subsequent days of recuperation have been less than a stellar experience. Without delving into gory details of the procedure or its side-effects, suffice it to say that the wretched discomfort that he has undergone would bring professional football players to their knees. The cocktail of narcotics and analgesics that he is on is barely making a dent in managing his pain, and it took a trip to the emergency room the other night and two doses of morphine to allow him his first sleep in two days. (mine too, but that is so beside the point.) 

Watching this man, this man for whom the word love is too pedantic for how I feel towards him, suffer in this way has been gut wrenching. Every movement or spasm resonates through me as it does through him. And yet...I am rendered absolutely helpless as he struggles to make his way through this nightmarish week. Sure...I can nurse him, wait on him (to his utter horror and misery), run his errands, and generally just be here for him, but I cannot alleviate his suffering no matter how much I might wish it to be so.

Thankfully, this too shall pass (sorry for the pun, but it is all in the name of laughter being some kind of medicine) and our lives will move on when the worst is over, but I know that it has already become another plank in the foundation that has made our relationship strong. 

As the wedding of Younger Son and His B'sheret rapidly approaches, I have been wracking my brain for sage and sensible advice that might be passed on to the next generation, L'dor Vador if you will, as to the secrets for a successful marriage. So if I may be forgiven a few platitudes, here goes.

Marriage is one of the most difficult life projects that you will ever undertake. It is filled with pitfalls and obstacles designed to test your patience and your abilities to weather adversity. Absolutely celebrate and enjoy all of the wonders and marvellous times. Those are the Kodak moments. But my mother and Susan Werner's grandma were right. It is how you survive and endure the pain that will truly cement your relationship. That is the person that you want to live and be with. If you are there for each other through all of that, the rest will take care of itself.