Where's the Sense of Occasion?

I just had an very interesting conversation with Younger Son and for some reason I felt the need to address it in the blogosphere. It isn't a secret that he is on the cusp of his graduation from university and it certainly isn't a secret how tremendously proud we all are. He has worked so hard and deserves all accolades coming his way. But in a fashion that is typical for him and many others I know, he is terribly non-plussed about the whole thing. I have been trying to figure out why this is bothering me so much and I think that I finally have. I believe that there is a terrible lack of occasion present in his outlook.

Maybe my frustration is borne from the fact that I have not had the pleasure of seeing either of my children graduation from anything since grade school and that trend will continue this spring. You see, camp has always taken priority. Graduations typically occur in June and have ALWAYS coincided with the opening of the camp season. As a committed camp alum and parent, I know that I should be dripping with pride at the special place that camp has had in my sons' lives and, frankly I know that we had a great deal to do with that. But, honestly! One stinking graduation ceremony is all that I ask for!

This year the problem is as much about American Homeland Security as it is about Younger Son's ambivalence. And trust me, his ambivalence is great! When the conflict of dates was discovered, I did try to procure airline tickets to bring him home for his convocation. The problem is that the visa granted to him only allows him one crossing of the American border. If he attempts to cross back, it renders the visa null and void. There went the grand plan of attending a graduation ceremony. I was suitably upset and still am, but the rest of my family-including Younger Son-don't seem to think it a big deal. Even before the border shut us down, he was not at all interested in sitting in a sweaty Convocation Hall with thousands of others in order to have his few minutes of glory. It matters not at all to him. The degree matters. The work matters. The accomplishment matters. The occasion doesn't.

In order to try and alleviate some of my disappointment, (and yes it is MY disappointment) we planned a family dinner at a nice restaurant to celebrate. Very low key and very in keeping with what he wants. I am just fine with this, honestly I am, but I can't help but wondering to where has our sense of occasion disappeared? I'm not talking big over-the-top events. I'm talking about simply recognizing a life event and making it matter. There are so few of these celebratory moments in life, it seems to me we should do all we can to make them special. Why are we so quick to dismiss them and render them unimportant?

You see, I do think that the occasion matters. I do think that we should celebrate whenever given the chance. Life is simply too damned short not to. I do think that we should applaud ourselves and those we love when milestones occur. I think we should find purpose in these events and see them for the stepping stones that they are. So tonight, I will celebrate the accomplishments of my son. I will dress nicely and I will snap his picture. I might even order dessert! I will toast him and all that he has done and I will let him see my pride. Because this is one occasion that I believe does matter.

The May of My September

I haven't written in this space for a while not because I lack for opinions, (perish the thought) and certainly not because there aren't a myriad of topics about which to scribble, but rather because I have become somewhat circumspect over the past month or so and as a result haven't been able to properly articulate what I am feeling. I think that I am ready and I beg your indulgence if this post gets a little misty and mushy.

During a conversation with friends a few weeks ago, we somehow got onto the topic of Facebook and what is its real purpose. One friend remarked that while he is on the site, he is patently uncomfortable with the lack of privacy and online presence that Facebook encourages. Our answer to him was easy. Delete your account. Nobody is forcing you to remain in the online world and if one's discomfort is that acute Facebook is certainly not the right place for you. And yet....he is still there. Why? Because there is something about the links that Facebook provides that is truly compelling. It is easy to dismiss the social media tool as a colossal time-waster akin to bad reality television. Certainly too many of us spend far too many hours playing inane games (guilty!!) or "over-sharing" our lives with marginal "friends", but when we delve deeper we note that Facebook, Twitter, Pinterest, Linkedin and the like are so much more. Putting aside the obvious commercial advantages for businesses and organizations, Facebook has provided a connection for us with our pasts, our presents, and our futures. Never being much of a phone person or even a diligent letter-writer, I have enjoyed the reconnections that Facebook has allowed me with old camp and school friends. Even though I haven't seen some of them in more than thirty years, I am now back in their lives, even if it is only on the periphery and for only a fleeting moment when I click the "like" button on their posts. I have seen pictures of their families and they have seen mine. Is every friend on social networking sites my best buddy? Of course not. But tell me....What is wrong with that?

It was the fallout from this conversation about Facebook that got me to thinking about the milestones in our lives and how we have a true need to share these momentous occasions with the world, both those near and dear and those more removed. Maybe it is the spring season that has me so nostalgic as this is a time of year when so many are celebrating touchstone moments in their lives. Over the last couple of weeks friends have shared anecdotes about B'nai Mitzvah, proms, graduation ceremonies, big birthdays, engagements, college acceptances, travel plans, confirmations, new employment opportunities, a new baby, and even an unfortunate death. We are watching our children and our parents move into new phases of their lives, and we ourselves are wondering where this leaves us and what comes next.

In my own home Youngest Son is graduating from university. I could not be prouder of my son. He worked his tail off to achieve this goal and he is truly worthy of the title "College Graduate". But the occasion is also one of melancholy. For the first time in more than twenty-three years there will be nobody in our house getting ready for school come September. Those kid days are gone forever. When he returns from his summer hiatus, he will be actively seeking employment and moving out of our house for good. The Husband and I have been semi empty-nesters for going on four years, but this event suggests a permanency where there was none before. We will be fine. We both embrace change (him better than me) and all that it brings, but still we know that an era that made up the bulk of our married life is coming to a close. What lies ahead, while exciting, is also a tad frightening. We are entering the May of our September. The beginning of the next.

Many friends have asked if my nostalgia is a result of this being my fiftieth birthday year. Firstly I need you all to understand that I have seven more months until I reach that momentous milestone. Secondly it needs to be said that I am not having any problems with the idea of 50. If this is what 50 looks and feels like, I think that I can cope. No. I think that my introspection is a result of so many big events converging upon us at the same time. The fact that I will be 50 in December is just a coincidence of the calendar and frankly I plan to celebrate it with all that I have.

We are a social species. We need connections. We require human contact. We need to feel a part of each other even if that time is fleeting and small. When I posted about Younger Son's accomplishment my friends rallied with words of love and mazel. Each one was special and important to me because they shared in my life's news. And in the end isn't that what it's really all about?

Oh Doctor!

A school in British Columbia has banned a quote  from the Dr. Seuss book Yertle the Turtle from being displayed in a elementary school classroom for apparently being to politically polarizing for the students.

The offending quote reads as follows: "I know up on top you are seeing great sights, but down here on the bottom, we too should have rights”. 

I know. Really. A terrible message for young minds to absorb, that all peoples are created equal and that all should have rights. I remember reading this and other Dr. Seuss works to my children when they were quite young, and I honestly cannot recall if I had discussions with either boy about the nature of left versus right as is referenced within the body politic. My guess? Probably not, unless it was in the context of treating others around them fairly and without prejudice-a lesson that most likely was not easily absorbed by the members of this school board.

Now I am not naive. Dr. Seuss was not without his politics. He started off as a political cartoonist after all, (he readily admitted that Yertle was modelled after Hitler) but I would venture to guess that in his messages to children and the caregivers reading to them, he never fathomed the crazy extremes to which people today would go in order to shelter children from radical political indoctrination ideals like fairness, respect for the environment, conflict resolution, religious respect, and admiration for those who are different.

In the great doctor's honour, I offer 10 of my most favourite quotes from his works. I am certain that you all have your own preferences and I open up the comment section for your reminiscences. 

1. "The day they decided that Sneetches are Sneetches and no kind of Sneetch is the best on the beaches. That day, all the Sneetches forgot about stars and whether they had one, or not, upon thars."
2. "A person's a person no matter how small."
3. "Today you are you! That is truer than true! There is no one alive who is you-er than you."
4. "I meant what I said and I said what I meant. An elephant's faithful one hundred percent."
5. "UNLESS someone like you cares a whole awful lot, nothing is going to get better. It's not.
6. "I am the Lorax, I speak for the trees. I speak for the trees for the trees have no tongues."
7. "Maybe Christmas, the Grinch thought doesn't come from a store. Maybe Christmas....perhaps....means a little bit more!"
8. "The more that you read, the more things you will know. The more that you learn, the more places you'll go."
9. "Oh the things you can find if you don't stay behind!"
10. "I do so like green eggs and ham. Thank you, thank you Sam I am."

Radical stuff, I know. But I can honestly think of worse values to live by.

Happy Birthday, Gorgeous!

I always said that there were three artists for whom I would literally camp out overnight in a lineup to see. Judy Garland (who was long gone by the time I stated these words), Bette Midler (who I was fortunate enough to catch in concert several years ago), and of course the grand dame herself, Barbra. I realize that my affinity for these ladies will not endear me to hipster music lovers, and that it will probably elicit groans from many in my own generation never mind my children's, but I'm sorry! I have always loved talent and these broads were and are the best of the best. I have been thinking a great deal of the gift that is La Streisand today on this her 70th birthday and it struck me that I was in total awe of her gifts not just because I yearned to possess merely a fraction of her vocal ability, but because she is always note and phrase perfect. The woman simply knows how to sell a song. Not only that, but she was and continues to be fearless in her musical choices. When disco was the rage, she worked with Donna Summer and Barry Gibb. When Broadway was back in fashion, she returned to her roots and reintroduced a whole new generation to Stephen Sondheim. When faith music stirred her, she recorded some brave choices without fear. She has always done it her way, often under the gaze of intense criticism, but she has controlled her career and her message in a way that no other female artist can ever claim to have done. Without Barbra there would be no Bette, no Whitney, no Mariah, no Celine, no other pretenders to the throne.

I finally did get to see her perform live when she finally resumed touring after decades of resisting due to intense stage fright. I took my parents because they were the ones who instilled my love for her early on. As I sat there watching them enjoy every single note and lyric, I was reminded of all of those times watching "My Name is Barbra" in reruns, all of those hours pretending I could reach the notes in "Evergreen", and all of those hours in the car singing with my dad. It was worth every dime spent on the evening.

In my final year of high school vocal music, I had to prepare a solo piece complete with full orchestra behind me. Naively, I chose to sing "The Way We Were". (It was the early 80s and the movie was still a big deal.) My teacher was impressed enough to force me to perform it at the end of year music night. I can still feel my knees shaking all these years later as I kept thinking, "Who the hell do you think you are? Barbra?" When the ordeal was done, Tom Cheek (yes he of Blue Jay broadcast fame) who was acting as emcee that evening, came over and kissed my 18 year old hand and told me I had done well. All I kept thinking was I hope I didn't embarrass Barbra. Happy Birthday, Gorgeous. May there be many more to come.

My body is Healthy if not Perfect!

It has been too long since I have taken to the keyboard to write in this space. Chalk it up to writer's block with a hint of daily busyness. In any case something tweaked my sense of justice today that I felt was just screaming for a response. And you know me, I am never shy with my responses.

Last week actress Ashley Judd published an essay in The Daily Beast that was mostly a response to some fairly ugly media coverage about her appearance. While I agreed with most of what she said about the greater conversation that is constantly being had concerning women's bodies and the impossible and ridiculous images that we women are often forced to live up to, it struck me as just a wee bit disingenuous that a celebrity who has traded on her appearance for most of her career in order to further that career was pushing this important and necessary agenda forward. That said, I do think that most of what Ms. Judd railed against in her essay is just and valid. We women are held to unwieldy and impossible standards when it comes to our appearance, and the fashion industry, media outlets, advertising agencies, and others are complicit in this nightmare.

We fast forward to yesterday, where here in Toronto the mayor was conducting his weekly weigh-in. This mayor has struggled mightily with his poundage and while I disagree with the man on just about every policy issue he has, I can readily identify with his battle against the bulge. I commend the man for attempting to get healthy and, speaking as one who has spent a lifetime dealing with weight issues, I share his pain every single week when he publicly gets on that scale and stalls or gains a pound. Yesterday in the heat of the weigh-in two protestors from PETA crashed the party in an attempt to convert "hizzoner"to a vegan lifestyle.

Now I need to make it perfectly clear that I hold absolutely no love for PETA. As a vegetarian, I cringe every single time these crazy people try and speak for me and mine. In my opinion, this is an organization that seems to trip over its own tongue whenever it attempts to advance its single issue agenda. This publicity stunt was not well received by the mayor, the press, or much of the citizenry of Toronto. If we want to have a debate about PETA and their mission and the flawed messages that they attempt to impart, I am willing to have that discussion. What I am not willing to engage in is image bashing like that of one of my Facebook friends this morning that basically trashed the two young women's appearance and body types as evidence that their vegan lifestyle is a hoax. This type of crude attempt at humour is exactly of the kind that Ms. Judd was exploring in her article. When does it become okay to call out these crude responses for that which they are-neanderthal and misogynistic attempts at humour that disparage women.

What if I had used disparaging language to describe the mayor's body type in speaking about my opposition to his flawed policies? Isn't that just as disgraceful as my Facebook friend's comments about these women and the organization they represent? Until we can engage in civil debate about our differences without bringing body and appearance  into the fray, we will never be able to move the dialogue forward and have a healthy debate about the issues which Ms. Judd advocated.

On This International Women's Day

Here are just a few things that I choose to commemorate on this the 101st International Women's Day.

• On this International Women's Day I celebrate the fact that my Judaism is inclusive of all voices male and female, together in study, song, and prayer. My Judaism doesn't believe that women should be relegated to the back of the bus. It believes that women and girls should be able to safely walk to school and work without being accosted by vile slurs or stones thrown in their direction. My Judaism believes that women belong in the public square, the military, in advertisements, and celebrating their heritage at the Western Wall. On this International Women's Day I stand with IRAC and The Women of the Wall.
• On this International Women's Day I choose to celebrate the work and accomplishments of Margaret Sanger, Dr.Henry Morgentaler, Jane Roe, Dr. George Tiller, and all of those faceless and nameless who have struggled in the name of women's reproductive freedoms.
• On this International Women's Day I decry all those who scream "slut" and "prostitute" whenever a woman is deemed too sexual or for wanting to control her own sexuality. I shudder at the double standard that allows a man to be a "player" but a labels a woman a "whore".
• On this International Women's Day I stand with the women of Afghanistan. From the Wall Street Journal. "A government-appointed council of 150 leading Muslim clerics last week urged the strict application of a conservative and literalist interpretation of Islamic law regarding women. The council said Afghan law should require women to wear the veil and forbid them from mixing with men in the work place or traveling without a male chaperone. "Men are fundamental and women are secondary," the Ulama Council said in a statement on Friday, according to a translation by the Afghanistan Analysts Network. President Hamid Karzai published the statement on his web site, fueling speculation that he backed the conservative clerics' position." On this International Women's Day I stand in support of ten years of women's rights and freedoms and oppose any aid that would shove them back into the closet.
• On this International Women's Day I celebrate that women come in all colours, all shapes, all sizes, and all are beautiful. 
• On this International Women's Day I remember those who died simply because they were women.
• On this International Women's Day I celebrate those women who are scholars and teachers, entrepreneurs and engineers, singers, poets, politicians, or public speaker. I am in awe of the doctors, scientists, lawyers, and entertainers. I honour the stay at home moms and those mothers that work outside of the home alike. On this International Women's Day I pay tribute to us all.
• On this International Women's Day I think of my role models-the women in my life-who have encouraged me either by word or by deed, to be the free-thinking, opinionated woman I am today.
• On this International Women's Day that coincides with the festival of Purim, I am Vashti. 

I urge you to add your own. 

Random Thoughts for a Random Day

It has been a strangely quiet and eerily lazy day. While I attempt to keep myself occupied in one location, events elsewhere are causing my mind to wander. With that strangeness fully implanted in all of your subconsciouses, here are just a few of the bizarre notions that have taken over my cerebral cortex in a grotesque attempt at diversion.


1. Two weeks after the hardware was given out in Hollywood, it is almost impossible to find an Oscar winning or nominated film playing at any mainstream theatre down here in South Florida. Instead we are inundated with mediocrity complete with forgettable titles such as Ghost Rider: Spirit of Vengeance, Journey 2: The Mysterious Island, and Safe House. The new Lorax on steroids is playing at 3 separate theatres in the same complex. All the while, television and print ads are touting "the first blockbuster of 2012". It just might be me, but I wonder if Hollywood went back to making movies rather than trying to create blockbusters, if the artistic value of the modern film might be taken more seriously.

2. In the wake of the Rush Limbaugh "non-apology" apology to the women of the world, it got me thinking once again as to why it is so difficult for so many to say the words "I'm sorry" with true conviction. According to Tom Jacobs writing at Miller-McCune, these types of apologies tend not to play well. He cites a 2008 article by Zohar Kampf.

One type of pseudo-apology downplays the transgressor’s degree of responsibility. Kampf identifies five variations on this theme, noting that a wrongdoer can: 1) apologize while undermining the claim that he offended someone; 2) apologize for the outcome but not for the act; 3) apologize for the style but not for the essence; 4) apologize for a specific component of the offense but not for the entire occurrence; and 5) apologize while using syntactic and lexical means to downgrade his responsibility.” The latter category includes referring to an offensive action as a “mistake,” which effectively minimizes guilt.

I recently heard somebody say (I'm sorry, the exact person escapes me) that if one uses the words "if" or "then" in their supposed mea culpas, it is not a true expression of remorse. For example: any apology that begins with this poorly chosen phrase, "If my words or actions offended anybody, then....." cannot be true repentance. Keep this in mind the next time you are the one in line to apologize.

3. I took a slice out of my right heel yesterday when the leg of an old metal chair came down awkwardly onto the side of my foot. Not only has it been incredibly painful to take each and every step, but it is extraordinarily difficult to bandage and keep wrapped due to the odd placement of the cut. I am walking with a sort of out turned pigeon gait limp. The good news? My stalled workout routine which has been dormant for weeks due to a lingering cold and asthma after-effects, has once again been put out onto another short hiatus. I really am starting to wonder if my myriad of ailments over the past few weeks have been accidental or purposeful happenstance designed to keep me off of the torture devices of the gym. It's going to really hurt when I finally get back into it. Karma's way of punishing me for laziness.

4. Purim. Great baked goods, wonderful shtick, booze (if you're into that sort of thing), transvestitism ( if you're into that sort of thing), and the worst Jewish music ever written. Sorry to all of my friends and colleagues in the industry. We need to do better when it comes to Purim. Musically-it kind of sucks!!

5. I think that I will end on a philosophical note. I posted this on Facebook this weekend. "When I stand before God at the end of my life, I would hope that I would not have a single bit of talent left, and could say, 'I used everything You gave me'."-Erma Bombeck.

It has been that kind that kind of a weekend.