Mrs. Green, In the Kitchen, With the Mugs Part 1

I have an old friend who posts long rambling stories on Facebook about his trials and tribulations. They are usually extended over several days, always hilarious, and usually end with a conclusion so ridiculously mundane you question your investment in the time spent reading them but know that you will be right there along for the ride the next time because...well...this is really the best that Facebook has to offer, our connections with old friends.

I have a blog for such ridiculousness, so I hope that you all might indulge me in the same manner that I do my friend. This story will be told in several parts and therefore several posts.

It all started with our kitchen renovation at the Southern Home. It always seems to begin with a kitchen renovation. This entire blog began as a kitchen renovation. We had been putting off this much-needed makeover for at least five years. There are always better ways to spend one's money than on an expensive remodelling in a place we use as our home away from home. That isn't to say that we don't use our kitchen here. We do. A great deal. But every time we got close to agreeing that we should proceed with the project, something far more important and, honestly, more desirous diverted our attention and funds. This year, we were backed into a corner by our thirty-five-year-old appliances. The refrigerator was singing like Louis Armstrong on meth and the dishwasher was leaking so badly that a grotesquely mouldy towel, inserted between it and the sink, had become a permanent fixture. The appliances were giving us fair warning of their impending demises. It was time to heed the death rattles and jump headlong into the hell that is home renovation.

As home makeovers go, this was actually the least painful of any we have done throughout our many years together. We decided early on that the best way to handle the mess and disruption was to simply pretend it wasn't happening. In other words, we went home in March and left the work to a "came very highly recommended"contractor. We had every intention of flying down in the summer to check on the progress, but life got busy and that trip never happened. Our "came very highly recommended" contractor figured out our game fairly early on in the process and knew that there was no real rush to finish the job until sometime in the fall. Out of sight, out of mind is definitely a two-way street.

As an aside...if you find yourselves in need of a home renovation, moving out and forgetting it exists is the best way to go. Anybody who has ever lived through one can attest to it being a hellscape. Find someone you trust to manage the project and then get the fuck out. It could save your marriage and your relationship with sanity.

After the High Holy Days in September, we mentioned to our "came very highly recommended" contractor that we were planning on being down at The Southern Home sometime before American Thanksgiving. His response reminded me of an old joke from the comedy album You Don't Have to be Jewish.

A guy walks into a shoemaker and says:

Guy: You're not going to believe this but I was going through my closet and came across a very old coat. While going through the pockets of that coat I found a ticket for a pair of shoes I dropped off more than 10 years ago. I know it is a longshot, but I thought that since I was in the area, I might check and see if you still have the shoes.

Shoemaker: (in very old-world Jewish accent) What are you? Crazy?? You think that I might still have a pair of shoes still here that you dropped off more than 10 years ago? Meshuggah!

Guy: I realize it's a bit farfetched but could you please check?

Shoemaker retreats into the back of the shop. 

Shoemaker: Hey, Mister. These shoes, were they black patent leather?

Guy: Yes.

Shoemaker: And did they have silver heels?

Guy: (Very excited) Yes, Yes!!!

Shoemaker: And did they have gold-braided tassels?

Guy: Yes, Yes, Yes! You found them!

Shoemaker: THEY'LL BE READY, TUESDAY.

Our "came very highly recommended" contractor told us that not to worry and that they would be finishing up the job shortly after we arrived.

In total fairness to him, there were only a few things to touch up when we arrived (including a non-functioning oven) but he did show up within a day of our letting him know that we were back in town to make all of the necessary improvements. He is a great guy and I would absolutely stamp him with my "comes highly recommended" seal of approval. A true mensch. That isn't always easy to come by in his profession.

The story is just getting interesting and I haven't even explained the title of this post.

If you would like to know what comes next, tune in tomorrow. 

Same Dawn time, same Dawn URL.

Kitchen before

Kitchen after