Happy 141st!!!!

We Canadians are a strange lot. We hold the illusion of fierce independence from our American cousins, yet we strive for much of what they have. While we paste Canadian flag patches on our suitcases and backpacks thinking that will spare us from the world's wrath, we embrace American consumerism and culture with a verve that is unnerving. We are so deeply loyal and protective of our artists and entertainers that we proudly claim the marginal talent of Pamela Anderson alongside the brilliance of Jim Carrey as Canadian. (No matter that both of these people have taken out American citizenship. To us in the far north, they will always be our own!!) Oh Canada!! After 141 years, what can we point to that makes us unique? In honour of our special day, I offer a few items that I believe we Canadians should look to with amusement if not pride.

1. Only in Canada could a character like Don Cherry become a national hero. With his upholstered suits and xenophobic rantings, he is uniquely Canadian. If Don were a supposed expert in anything other than hockey, he would be bounced off of the airwaves faster than you can say Don Imus, because usually we Canadians have a very limited tolerance for on-line bigots. But, hockey is God and God is hockey up here, so Cherry is revered.

2. Only in Canada could something as wonderful as The Drowsy Chaperone become a hit. Yes, my American friends, this little gem of a production was born and bred in Canada before it ever meandered down to the Great White Way!! It was nurtured and given voice in various forms at workshops and Fringe Festivals throughout the country, before it morphed into the hit it is today. Of course, being Canadian, we need to remind the world of it's roots in every review, article and television interview. We are a patriotic lot, if somewhat more subdued than other countries.

3. Only in Canada would we get our noses out of joint when the dumbass in the White House fails to recognize us as one of America's closest friends. Frankly, in my opinion, we really don't want to be friends with a man who can't find Ottawa on a map, but up here this was the source of great consternation for much of dumbass' first term. Once the world realized what a total moron he was, the barking and complaining about how he ignores us became much more muted.

4. Only in Canada would we think that it is a good idea to put a mixture of sour cottage cheese and gravy on our French Fries and sell it as a delicacy. Poutine resembles emesis, but not only do we claim it as inherently Canadian, we charge extra for it. And while we are on the subject, only in Canada can you find ketchup and dill pickle potato chips. We are a unique breed!!

5. Only in Canada would we accept monopolies existing in major businesses. We have 1 national airline that controls our travel, with a handful of small regional carriers attempting to stay afloat. We have 2 television carriers and 3 cell phone carriers. Prices are so ridiculously high, compared to other places in the world, but we Canadians are fiercely protectionist and refuse to allow foreign competition into the country. So we pay through the nose, but in true Canadian fashion, bitch and moan loudly every chance we get.

6. Only in Canada are we obsessed with the weather. It doesn't matter if it is winter or summer, raining or snowing, we Canadians love to complain about the weather. It is either too cold, too hot, too snowy, too wet or too something. We obsess over the air quality and the windchill numbers. We lament that the summer "has never been so muggy" or that "we have never seen a winter like it!" I suppose that this fascination with the weather hearkens back to a simpler time when there was literally nothing else to do, so we needed some sort of diversion to save us from the tedium. Thank God for diversions!!

7. Only in Canada would we take it as a source of national pride when our dollar achieves par with our friends to the south. This has been the case for close to 8 months now, but while we are all dancing around saying that we are just as good as them, we up here are still not reaping the benefits at the cash register. I am not ashamed to say that I will not frequent Heather's store until she smartens up and prices her books at a more comparable level. While I can accept a difference of a buck or two, upwards of 10 is gouging and we Canadians should smarten up and order our literature from online American services until we see parity. We may be patriotic, but we are a skeptical lot and really, we are not stupid.

8. Only in Canada would we have holidays celebrating Lord John Graves Simcoe (who?) and families, but not have a holiday commemorating our first Prime Minister. The Americans really do know how to honour their national heroes. George, Abe and Martin all have days celebrating their lives, while up here more than 50% of our population cannot even name our first PM! Sir John A. deserves better.

9. Only in Canada would we decry the lack of public transportation and infrastructure and then argue for 20 years over who is going to pay for it. We Canadians are notorious for our NIMBYism. (see Spadina Expressway, Gardiner Expressway, St. Clair streetcars!) It is time that we realize that we are all in this country-thing together, and that we better start looking out for each other and our cities or we all will be living in a wasteland of traffic jams and broken water mains.

10. Only in Canada do we reserve our patriotism for a once a year celebration. It is great that we are all celebrating Canada Day today, but let us remember that we live in a great country the other 365 (this year was a leap year!) days of the year. We need to show the world how great we are. Yes, there are problems and issues, but we are fortunate that we live in a country that will hopefully give voice to those issues and allow us to try and repair them. We are a unique people, we Canadians. Let's show our pride a little bit more often!

Happy Canada Day all!!!

The WalMart Culture Shock!!

I wish that I could tell you that I was one of those wonderfully creative consumers. You know the type! They are the coupon clippers, the bulk store shoppers, and the bargain hunters. They are the shoppers with a separate wallet for coupons and they are the shoppers that instinctively know the price of blueberries at every store in the area. (When it gets to 2 for 5 dollars--BUY!!!) They are the consumers that store "tub-o-mayo" in the cold storage and only buy cereal when it is on sale, and then purchase it in quantities of 12! In fairness, I do descend from this stock. My dad is notorious for going to the store to buy aspirin and coming home with 12 boxes of blueberries and 24 rolls of toilet paper. The husband's maternal grandparents (lovely people whose memory should be forever a blessing!) used to drag me around from store to store while they purchased their groceries. In their later years, I was their designated driver. Of course, the sale items would never be located at one store, so I was forcefully told where to point the car for eggs at Loblaws, bananas at the Price Chopper and day-old bagels (God forbid they should be fresh, because day-old is cheaper!!) at Dominion. I was happy to provide the mitzvah, but it used to enrage the husband. He would complain that I was spending more in gasoline driving around the city, then they were actually saving in bargains. He would beg his grandparents to simply give me their list and I would happily shop for them. His idea was that I would spin a small white lie and tell them that I actually store-hopped, when in fact I would simply do the entire errand at one stop and shop. Of course, they never bought into it because the bargain hunting was more than a simple money-saving exercise. It was in fact, time well spent with their granddaughter-in-law and a way to get out. The frugality that they exhibited was a fabulous bonus. As for my own frugality, I really suck at this creative approach to shopping. I have always felt that my time is worth as much savings as a few pennies here and there. Until now!

You see, WalMart has opened in my neighbourhood. I am no stranger to WalMart. There has been a store at the corner of my block in the sunny south for many years now. It is a true convenience. It is, for the most part, a one-stop shopping experience with extraordinarily reasonable prices. Just by walking through the door, you the consumer can buy everything from a bra to pool chemicals to video games to candy!! I am also not naive when it comes to WalMart. I know that their labour practices can best be described as questionable and that in areas where they invade, they have a tendency to cannibalize small Mom and Pop stores. They also have a self-censoring policy that I personally find reprehensible, but I suppose that if the Walton family has an issue with the "seven dirty words", who am I to argue. But, WalMart is kind of like a train wreck! You simply cannot drive by without at least a passing curiousity and a gawk or two.

WalMart opened up here in the northern nether region back in March. It took me a few months to succumb to the spell, but succumb I eventually did. First off, it is without a doubt the cleanest and most neatly kept WalMart that I have ever visited. Typically, WalMart has a reputation for clothes strewn all over the shelves and floor in no discernible order and it's food stuff is rarely re-stocked. The Thornhill WalMart has thrown those stereotypes out the window. It is not scummy. It is well-kept and well-stocked. It has a very extensive grocery area in which you can purchase almost everything, with the marked exception of produce and meat stuff. It is quite a massive store, and in typical WalMart fashion, it is attracting a full cross-section of this economically affluent area. But, it is still WalMart!!!

The husband and I made a quick pit-stop at Sam's favourite haunt today. He was in need of razor blades and I wanted to pick up a few odds and ends for the upcoming Canada Day holiday. WalMart is close by and seemed like a logical destination. Given the fact that the kids are now out of school and that it is a pseudo long weekend, the place was packed. Everybody was in search of bargains and they were sending their shopping carts careening in every direction. The husband, while happy to buy his razors and bottled water at tremendously discounted prices, made the very astute observation that no matter nicely it is dressed up, it is still WalMart and the shoppers had that WalMart shopper appearance. He wondered aloud if we now looked like the masses in the store. "Absolutely", I responded. Isn't that the point of WalMart? To give us all the mass illusion of conspicuous consumption? Way to go Mr. Walton!! You have succeeded in making me look at and participating in your train wreck. I am soooo screwed!!!!

Very Cool!

From Wordle.net!!

How Hard Can it Be?

I don't often spend my weekends trying to come up with blog ideas, but sometimes situations just present themselves and need to be shared.

We are imperfect creatures, we human beings. We all have strengths and weaknesses. There are situations in which some of us excel, while others truly suck. For example; I am not a Ms. Fix-it. If something were to break in this house, (save a burned out lightbulb or a clogged toilet) I would require assistance in repairs. I recognize this as a vulnerability in myself and should something require repair, I immediately call for help, either professional or in-house! (As I have previous reported, the husband is a remarkable creature in that he is one of a dying breed--the Jewish handyman!!) I admire people who know their limitations and know when to cry UNCLE!! I respect the individual who recognizes that they don't know everything about anything. I like the person who asks for help. And then there are those who think that they are smart enough and gifted enough to handle any and every situation. They suffer from the "How hard can it be?" syndrome. "Sure I will install the new lighting in the bedroom. How hard can it be?" "My car needs new spark plugs. I can do it, how hard can it be?" "The bathroom shower is leaking and needs to be re-caulked. How hard can it be?" My family has one such individual! The husband's father has been a chronic sufferer of the "How hard can it be?' syndrome. His attempts to install, repair and improve are legendary in family folklore. Allow for some historical examples.

Years ago, the family purchased a brand-spanking new dishwasher. The father-in-law, being a chronic suffer of the "How hard can it be?" syndrome, decided that he could install the machine on his own. Rather than connect the appliance to the required 120 voltage, he mistakenly connected it at 240. He didn't realize his error until while testing the new outlet, he plugged in the vacuum cleaner. Well, the vacuum raced across the floor faster then NASCAR!!

When the in-laws moved into their current residence, the mother-in-law wanted to buy new horizontal blinds to cover some unsightly windows. Being a chronic sufferer, he decided "How hard can it be?" He went to the store, bought the blinds and asked for the husband's help in the installation. One small detail, he didn't measure the windows! For years the blinds hung over the sides of the windows and onto the walls.

My in-laws have an antique glass cabinet. Last week, the old key that was in the ancient lock broke off and half-lodged itself inside. The cabinet apparently could not be opened. The father-in-law, in classic "How hard can it be?" mode, took a pair of pliers to the lock, seemingly jamming it further. The mother-in-law, clearly infuriated, asked the husband to take a look at the lock. The husband walk over, pressed on the glass door and it magically opened. Not only that, he then just pulled the broken piece of the key out with his fingers. It took all of 10 seconds. We don't think that the father-in-law even tried to open the door. He automatically went for the tools.

And then there was yesterday!! The father-in-law, fed up with his old PC, invested in a new iMac. Now this is truly the purvey of the husband. The father-in-law called the husband to ask for his help in it's installation. Given that we were already engaged yesterday, the husband told his dad that he would happily help him with the computer on Sunday, but that the beauty of the Mac is that it is truly plug and go. The father-in-law figured this really was a case of "How hard can it be?" and proceeded to hook up his brand-spanking new computer. He should have waited. The last time he tried to hook up a computer, he unplugged the modem and couldn't figure out why his internet wasn't working. Yesterday, made that seem like amateur hour. After more than 5 phone calls, came the piece de resistance!! The mother-in-law called in a panic. Her beloved laptop was not working, because the father-in-law had messed with it. What had he done? He took the OSX install disc and put it in her computer. Why? Because he claims that his computer told him to do it. The husband is still laughing about this as I write. He wants to know from his father, what else did the new computer tell him to do? Did it tell him to jump off of the Bloor Viaduct? It is like HAL from 2001: A Space Odyssey. The mother-in-law was livid. They couldn't eject the disc because it was installing the operating system on her previously problem-free machine. The irony in all of this is that OSX was already installed on his new computer as well!!!! The husband is headed toward mid-town later today to try and repair the damage.

I would like to offer some advice to my father-in-law. Don't touch things that you don't understand. Throw away your tools and retire! Really, how hard can it be?

Friday's Here, So Stop the Stupid!!

Welcome back to our weekly installment of Stop the Stupid. It is amazing how very ridiculous the world seems when you are actually looking at it with jaded eyes. This is how I am beginning to feel with Stop the Stupid. So without any further delay, here we go!

1. Our American cousins were full of stupidity this week. They seem to thrive on it. The leader of the stupids was in typically fine form, when on Tuesday while meeting with the president of the Philippines, he remarked: "I am reminded of the great talent of our Philippine-Americans every time I eat dinner at the White House." The man just makes it way too easy. Oh my God!! Stupid hopefully ends in the White House on January 21, 2009!!!

2. In the latest installment of "Hypocrisy: Thy name is Republican", comes word from the race for an open congressional seat in Oregon. It seems that the GOP nominee, an avowed Right to Lifer who has accepted the endorsement and backing of the Pro-Life movement in Oregon, is facing allegations that he knowingly pressures and paid for a former girlfriend's abortion in 2000-2001! The Oregonian has published a detailed accounting of the women's story including medical records and receipts. For his part, the congressional candidate says that he gave her the $300.00 for some unknown medical procedure and that he had no knowledge of the termination. Needless to say, his congressional aspirations have taken a serious blow due to his hypocritical stupidity!!

3. The pro-gun factions in both countries had a mixed week of stupidity. In the States, the Supreme Court ruled on the legitimacy of the Second Amendment for the first time in US history. In a narrow ruling, the court affirmed the rights of American citizens to own handguns and rifles for the purposes of self-defense and hunting, striking down a law banning said weapons in the District of Columbia. It seems rather implausible to me that the framers of the Constitution could have foreseen American society in 2008 with it's proliferation of automatic and semi-automatic weapons, and that this is what they had in mind when they spoke of an armed militia. 80 million Americans own guns. That is one in five!!! The stupidity defies logic. On this side of the border, the geniuses at Toronto City Hall voted overwhelmingly to remove 2 target shooting clubs from city property, thinking that this measure might curb gun violence on the streets. While I have no use for gun clubs and even less use for city council, this seems like a stupid waste of the city's time and resources. How about fixing the infrastructure problems STUPID!!!

4. The city of Bracebridge decided to show their patriotic verve this week, by hoisting Canadian and Ontario flags in preparation for it's Canada celebrations next week. The flags failed to follow proper flag-flying protocol. (Who knew?) Rather than flying free in the wind, the flags are affixed to frames so that they are permanently stretched their full length. Oy! The flap heard across the province! Who really cares? Shouldn't the fact that the city of Bracebridge cares enough to fly the flags in the first place, be the real story? Stop the Stupid!!

5. This one from my friend LN who is noticing the increased stupidity of signs around the city. Two that caught her eye really illustrate her point. "Road closed--Sorry for the inconvenience", as if it might actually be inconvenient. Or her favourite, usually seen at pay booths for parking garages - "Use two lanes" - a little selfish and dangerous, wouldn't you say? There must be more! Send us more stupid signs seen around the city and I will post them.

6. Vaughn City Council!! I am at a loss for words. I live in the "City Above Toronto" and have been witness to the stench of their politics for almost 20 years. Since the death of the beloved mayor almost 10 years ago, the rate payers of Vaughn have had to live through one smarmy politician after another. The city council is truly dysfunctional in that they all loathe each other and as such haven't been able to do any constructive city work in years. Now comes word that the mayor who was elected on a platform of integrity and cleaning up the mess will be charged with election fraud. Not only that, but the deputy mayor, who hates the mayor with a passion, is also being investigated for election fraud. The stupidity is too rampant to really believe.

Have a wonderfully stupid-free Shabbat and an equally easy long weekend. Summer is finally here so let's enjoy!!!

Sometimes Nature Gets it Right!!

Chocolate is perfection!! There is absolutely nothing like the sensation of a really good piece of chocolate slowly melting in the mouth. It is a rush! The synergy of taste and touch is magical. An endorphin rush like no other!! (Hey-I don't careen down the side of a mountain or jump out of airplanes, so accept my little "jones"!) Ok, I know that is probably caused by the caffeine, but who the hell cares. I am not ashamed to yell "I LOVE CHOCOLATE!!!" I have been known to dig into the bag of chocolate chips, stashed away for baking, when I get really desperate. The darker and richer the taste the better. Milk chocolate is for wimps and white chocolate tastes like cardboard. I won't waste my time on a mediocre bar. It has to be good. I am a true chocolate snob. Bittersweet at 72% is where it really is at. When M&M's finally came out with a dark version of my favourite candy, I thought that the sun, the moon and stars had all arrived in perfect alignment. When Hershey's started to experiment with Kisses in new flavours, I started shlepping duffle bags full home from Florida. (They look great in the candy dish--all those colours!!

I savour chocolate. There is a now infamous story of me keeping a luxurious bar of organic chocolate going for weeks in Florida. The husband, a true chocoholic if ever there was one, (he has a chocolate drawer all to himself in the new kitchen!) determined that I was nuts and I should just finish the damn thing. I was happy to enjoy a piece a day and prolong the joy. After 6 weeks the bar was still there and the husband was beside himself. We polled our good friends to decide if I truly was crazy and it was amazing to analyze the results. It divided pretty much along sex lines. The men came down on the husband's side. Men seem to like immediate gratification, while the women seemed to enjoy the prolonged anguish that goes along with slowly savouring. (We women seem to like self-flagellation!!) Yup! Chocolate is nature's perfect food. So it was with some excitement that I read this little tidbit this morning. Anything that the movers and shakers can do to protect my little vice would be greatly appreciated. I am not entirely naive. I know that there are issues around the world with the way that cacao is harvested and the unfair labour practices that are often employed to keep me happy, but it would be nice if just this once, I could enjoy something without always pondering the political ramifications. So, all you chocolate lovers out there, send me your personal stories. To hell with the calories and to hell with the decadence. Sometimes, you just need to enjoy!!!

Watch for another Stop the Stupid tomorrow. Any suggestions would be appreciated.

Are You High or Low?

In the classic comedy "When Harry Met Sally", Meg Ryan's character Sally asks Billy Crystal's character Harry what kind of girl does he think that she is, high or low maintenance? He replies that she is the worst kind of girl, high maintenance who thinks that she is low maintenance. This description probably fits many, if not most women. The husband would certainly concur that this is me to a tee!! If you set aside the obvious emotional shit that I most certainly possess, and only concentrated on the exterior facing, then I would have to be categorized as extremely low maintenance. I do not spend excessive amounts of time or money on myself in a futile attempt to keep age or nature at bay. I get my hair cut about once every two months. I cover my own grey and then spend the savings on sushi. It took me 15 years to decide to grow my hair out because I wasn't interested in all the stuff necessary to maintain it at a longer length. I do not indulge in expensive or painful hair removal techniques, even though many might say I should. (We Jews of Eastern Europe are a hairy lot!!) I had my legs waxed once and I honestly believe that if George W Idiot is looking for a new torture technique, he should simply wax all of Guantanamo. That will get them to talking. Nope, instead I use my $10.00 Intuition razor. I do not have regular manicures or pedicures, mostly because I am far too lazy to take the time to do so. As a guitar player, long fingernails are abusive to the instrument. Polish is impossible because it chips at the first strum. I love the feeling of a pedicure, but I never seem to be able to get around to booking it. I have been telling my friend the aesthetician that I will be booking my appointment for now on to 2 months!! (I promise I will book before the end of the summer, just in time to put on socks and real shoes again!!) My makeup consists of a small bag that has simply one of everything. One blush, one mascara etc. My friend who lives at Sephora is probably reading this in abject horror. I shop for clothes for the men in my life far more regularly than I shop for myself. Part of that is because clothes for women my age, height and breast size are simply not available in mass production, and part of that is because shopping is often a chore not a fun outing. I mean, really! How many CFM (if you need this deciphered, e-mail me!) tops do I have to try on before I realize that they were designed for a 15 year old!!! I wear a size 4 1/2 shoe. Tell me where I can find a size 4 1/2 shoe without paying through the nose. It is much more fun to shop for others.

A friend of mine and I tried to figure out how much she and I might spend in a calendar year on self grooming. The numbers for many women can be staggering. When you factor in hair, nails, hair removal, make-up, clothes, skin care and now, not surprisingly, botox, we could probably fill our cars with gas more than a few times over. I do not begrudge anybody ANYTHING that might make them feel better about themselves. I am all for it, on the understanding that there is a cost to all of this, both tangible and emotional.

A couple of reasons have me thinking about my lack of personal grooming attentiveness. Firstly, the new iphone. It seems that women's groups are profoundly upset by the touch screen because women with long nails cannot operate it. Their nails seem to get in the way and the iphone's screen is activated by the firm touch of a bare finger. Some women have even taken to calling Apple misogynistic because they refuse to provide a stylus with the phone. PLEASE!! The same argument has been used for years about push buttons and other touch screens. My mother has been a wearer of acrylic nails for as long as I can remember, and she seems to get along just fine with her knuckles and a stylus. Most styli will work with the iphone. This is incredibly high maintenance!!

Secondly, there is this story about my two moms. The two of them are headed down to Florida next week without the dads. Why you may ask? Well, it seems that they both need haircuts and neither of them has been able to find a stylist in town to their liking. They figure that the cost of the colour, cut and plane fare was actually worth going south for the grooming. While they are there, they will also have their nails done! What could be more high maintenance than flying to a different country to visit the salon? They would have us all believe that they are just going for some together time. Moms, thy name is HIGH MAINTENANCE!!!!