OMG!!!!
I am sitting here attempting to watch the opening night of the Democratic National Convention. And, while I can somewhat stomach the over-the-top patriotism, the lapel pins, the red, white and blue costumes, the obvious references to Barack Obama's religious beliefs (He is a Christian, you know!) and mood manipulations of a children's choir voicing God Bless America, I am stunned at the lack of preparation by CNN Chief Anchor Wolf Blitzer. He has consistently, over the past 2 hours, mispronounced names, forgotten who his reporters are, struggled to fill airtime and on one momentous occasion actually counted down (an actually countdown!!) to Senator Kennedy's moment in the sun. This should be a convention changing moment. The bastion of the democratic left, hauling himself out of a sick bed to pass the torch onto the next generation, and Wolf is fumbling the history.
Anderson Cooper needs to take the reins soon or else Wolf may soon end up mixing up Barack Obama with Osama!!! HELP!!!
Monday, 25 August 2008
Thursday, 21 August 2008
Stop the Presses for Stop the Stupid!!
This will probably be the final Stop the Stupid until after Labour Day. The family is taking some much needed together time and will be traveling for part of next week and into the long weekend. So, you will all just have to content yourselves with today's edition. It is a bit sad considering that next week features the Democratic National Convention and as we all have come to realize, there is very little that is as patently stupid as politics. If any of you have anything really dumb to contribute that comes out of the convention, please forward it and I will include it in the next edition. And, away we go!!
1. The Dumbass in Chief has been strangely quiet since his return from the Olympics, but it appears as though he has passed the baton of ignorance (note the Olympic reference!) off to a worthy successor in the person of the presumptive Republican nominee. "In the 21st century nations don't invade other nations." --on Russia's military action against Georgia, in Birmingham, Michigan, Aug. 13, 2000. Has Mr. McCain forgotten about actions in Afghanistan and Iraq or is he merely suffering from a raging case of "senioritis"? As if that weren't enough, there was this gem emanating from his mouth when asked how many homes he and his wife own. "I think -- I'll have my staff get to you. It's condominiums where — I'll have them get to you." How many of us cannot recall how many homes we own? I know that the taxes, fees and mortgage payments are enough to make most people's head swim. As Bob Cesca at The Huffington Post put it:
2. A California high school student wrote an editorial for her school newspaper concerning the school board's "abstinence-only" sex education curriculum. Margaret Dupes wrote:
3. I need to follow up on a Stop the Stupid that I commented on a few weeks back. I have been quite engrossed in the Olympics over the past two weeks, and while it has been a great deal of fun to watch, I still maintain that the equestrian events are amongst the stupidest in the Games. I know that you Canadians out there have every right to challenge me on this point given that 2 of our meagre total of medals have come from the "horsies", but I have several proofs to back up my thesis!! If you can explain the purpose or the reasoning behind the Dressage event, then you are a better sports fan than I. It looks like equine ballroom dancing. WTF? Some stupid horse prances around the ring with a top-hatted and tailed rider and we are supposed to buy into this as an Olympic sport? Not only that, but as the husband has most astutely pointed out that any sport that requires the participants to wear a jacket and tie cannot be a real sport. Check it out here! Finally, how absurd is it that 4 horses in these Games have tested positive for banned substances? 4 HORSES WERE ELIMINATED FOR DOPING!!!! Even the non-human athletes are dirty! The apocalypse is officially upon us in the form of the stupid equestrian events.
4. A New York lawyer is suing Columbia University for offering women's studies courses which he describes as "an indoctrination program responsible for spreading prejudice and fostering animosity and distrust toward men with the result of wholesale violation of men's rights due to ignorance, falsehoods, and malice." Huh? The suit continues on with "Columbia has thrown its influence and prestige into violating the rights of men by offering a women's studies program but no men's studies program." This is same moron who filed suit against NYC bars for offering "Ladies Nights" special at the exclusion of men. He was profiled in an August 2007 edition of The New Yorker. I have sat here for quite a while attempting to come up with a witty comeback for this a-hole, but I think it is better to direct you to some very intrepid bloggers who have unmasked him and his motives. His stupidity and hatred towards women defies comment. I think that my middle finger in the air says it all!
5. Tropical Storm Fay has been battering Florida for the past couple of days. Dangerous? Yes, but where there is danger there is always stupidity. Check out the idiot who decided to kite surf in the middle of a downgraded hurricane. I think that this jerk is an early candidate for a Darwin Award! Painful and stupid.
Enjoy the weekend and the upcoming long weekend! I know that as we all gear back up into regular routines, stupidity will increase the world over. Look at all we have to look forward to! Election season in both countries will be upon us, as will school and High Holidays. Enjoy the lull, because the best is yet to come!
Shabbat Shalom to all who observe.
1. The Dumbass in Chief has been strangely quiet since his return from the Olympics, but it appears as though he has passed the baton of ignorance (note the Olympic reference!) off to a worthy successor in the person of the presumptive Republican nominee. "In the 21st century nations don't invade other nations." --on Russia's military action against Georgia, in Birmingham, Michigan, Aug. 13, 2000. Has Mr. McCain forgotten about actions in Afghanistan and Iraq or is he merely suffering from a raging case of "senioritis"? As if that weren't enough, there was this gem emanating from his mouth when asked how many homes he and his wife own. "I think -- I'll have my staff get to you. It's condominiums where — I'll have them get to you." How many of us cannot recall how many homes we own? I know that the taxes, fees and mortgage payments are enough to make most people's head swim. As Bob Cesca at The Huffington Post put it:
Ask any homeowner how many houses they own and they'll probably answer correctly -- or, if they're crazy rich, they'll at least answer within the margin of error (+/- one house). Ask Sen. Obama and he'll probably answer correctly (one). Yet Sen. McCain simply couldn't remember. McCain is showing the signs of being too old for the gig, and his recent history of forgetting things (whether simple details like the number of houses he owns, or more complicated facts like Sunni vs. Shia) ought to be the source of some serious panic inside the Republican loop.For the record, Mr McCain and his family own 8 homes!! And he and his party have the nerve to call his opponent elitist and out of touch with the working class American voter. How terribly stupid!!
2. A California high school student wrote an editorial for her school newspaper concerning the school board's "abstinence-only" sex education curriculum. Margaret Dupes wrote:
"Why do the schools only preach 'abstinence only' education?" Dupes wrote in her editorial. "It is not the decision of your health teacher, your principal, the school nurse, or even your school board - but a decision forced upon state and local governments by the Bush Administration that is ideologically, rather than empirically, driven."Impressive right? Wrong! The editorial never saw print as it was pulled by the school's administration. Apparently the principal was uncomfortable with its content. It constantly amazes me that schools have no problem giving students only half the story when it comes to sex education. Maybe if kids were fully informed, there wouldn't be misadventures involving STDs, unwanted pregnancies and AIDS. Not only that, in a country that prides itself on freedom of speech, there is a disturbing lack of it when it comes to truthful and healthy sex information. Here's hoping that the school administration rethinks a very stupid and poorly thought out decision.
3. I need to follow up on a Stop the Stupid that I commented on a few weeks back. I have been quite engrossed in the Olympics over the past two weeks, and while it has been a great deal of fun to watch, I still maintain that the equestrian events are amongst the stupidest in the Games. I know that you Canadians out there have every right to challenge me on this point given that 2 of our meagre total of medals have come from the "horsies", but I have several proofs to back up my thesis!! If you can explain the purpose or the reasoning behind the Dressage event, then you are a better sports fan than I. It looks like equine ballroom dancing. WTF? Some stupid horse prances around the ring with a top-hatted and tailed rider and we are supposed to buy into this as an Olympic sport? Not only that, but as the husband has most astutely pointed out that any sport that requires the participants to wear a jacket and tie cannot be a real sport. Check it out here! Finally, how absurd is it that 4 horses in these Games have tested positive for banned substances? 4 HORSES WERE ELIMINATED FOR DOPING!!!! Even the non-human athletes are dirty! The apocalypse is officially upon us in the form of the stupid equestrian events.
4. A New York lawyer is suing Columbia University for offering women's studies courses which he describes as "an indoctrination program responsible for spreading prejudice and fostering animosity and distrust toward men with the result of wholesale violation of men's rights due to ignorance, falsehoods, and malice." Huh? The suit continues on with "Columbia has thrown its influence and prestige into violating the rights of men by offering a women's studies program but no men's studies program." This is same moron who filed suit against NYC bars for offering "Ladies Nights" special at the exclusion of men. He was profiled in an August 2007 edition of The New Yorker. I have sat here for quite a while attempting to come up with a witty comeback for this a-hole, but I think it is better to direct you to some very intrepid bloggers who have unmasked him and his motives. His stupidity and hatred towards women defies comment. I think that my middle finger in the air says it all!
5. Tropical Storm Fay has been battering Florida for the past couple of days. Dangerous? Yes, but where there is danger there is always stupidity. Check out the idiot who decided to kite surf in the middle of a downgraded hurricane. I think that this jerk is an early candidate for a Darwin Award! Painful and stupid.
Enjoy the weekend and the upcoming long weekend! I know that as we all gear back up into regular routines, stupidity will increase the world over. Look at all we have to look forward to! Election season in both countries will be upon us, as will school and High Holidays. Enjoy the lull, because the best is yet to come!
Shabbat Shalom to all who observe.
Tuesday, 19 August 2008
When Did This Happen?
Every year it creeps up on us. It happens so silently and so stealthily that we are stunned by its imminent presence. It is pervasive and insidious. It has an almost viral quality. I speak, of course of the "Back to School" season. I don't know when this happened. I don't know when the preparations for the return to the classroom took on a "Christmas-like" radiance. When did shopping for school become a moral and retail imperative? I remember when my boys were much younger and they received complete supply lists from their teachers detailing the necessities for the upcoming year. These lists (coming from their publicly funded schools!!) would often include such previously unheard of items like tissue, bottled water and Purell! This was on top of the paper, notebooks, dividers, pencils, erasers, math kits, calculators, coloured pencils, report covers, agenda books, glue sticks, and staplers!! I have often wondered how those with fixed budgets coped with this extravagance. I know and understand that public school funding is an issue, but it really has gotten out of hand!! This doesn't even begin to address the inevitable wardrobe enhancements that all the retailers tell the kids that they require. I am also loathe to understand why certain places are even running back to school sales. Tell me, honestly! What kid really requires a back to school DVD player or a back to school massage? Not only that!! These back to school sales were being advertised almost immediately after school let out for the summer!!! Show me the kid or parent who wants to think about what they will be wearing in September at the end of June!
It is a bit different in our house this year. This year, Younger Son is preparing to leave for university and turn the husband and me into empty-nesters. (Older Son has been gone, but not forgotten for three years now!) His needs and requirements are exceeding the standard paper and notebook purchases. In addition to tuition, dorm fees, meal plan, incidental meal items, (sushi-because we refuse to pay for keggers!) and orientation registration, there are sundry and not really all that marginal items like books!! His computer needs an external hard drive and a printer, because he sure as hell isn't taking ours. He needs sheets and bedding, because God forbid that the dorm beds take standard sheets. No!! They require something called extra-long. Bed Bath and Beyond even has something called a Dorm List. They present it to you when you enter the store and it is supposed to guide you through shopping hell. What a first-year needs with scented candles and bath oils I am still trying to figure out!
After diligently making our lists, the Younger Son and I headed out to the big box store nirvana in our area. We managed to procure all of the major items, and a few of the minor ones as well. It was due in no small part to a patient mother and a hungry son, who was promised sushi at the end of our excursion if he behaved like an active participant. My friends with daughters heading off in the fall, tell me tales of their girls wanting to act like underaged decorators, outfitting their dorm rooms with everything from new linens to carpets and lamps. My son--he was happy to have a new pillow!! I should be proud. I have raised a no-frills, utilitarian, bare-bones kind of kid who cares more about his classroom supplies than his living quarters. If stores were relying on Younger Son to pad their "back to school' bottom-lines, they were looking in the wrong direction. Believe me, we made a dent in our VISA card, but it could have been a lot worse. My guess is that we have not yet seen the end of it and that more is coming. Until then, I think I will be content with the Halloween candy that I found on sale during our shopping excursion. Only 2 1/2 months until the trick or treaters show up!!!
It is a bit different in our house this year. This year, Younger Son is preparing to leave for university and turn the husband and me into empty-nesters. (Older Son has been gone, but not forgotten for three years now!) His needs and requirements are exceeding the standard paper and notebook purchases. In addition to tuition, dorm fees, meal plan, incidental meal items, (sushi-because we refuse to pay for keggers!) and orientation registration, there are sundry and not really all that marginal items like books!! His computer needs an external hard drive and a printer, because he sure as hell isn't taking ours. He needs sheets and bedding, because God forbid that the dorm beds take standard sheets. No!! They require something called extra-long. Bed Bath and Beyond even has something called a Dorm List. They present it to you when you enter the store and it is supposed to guide you through shopping hell. What a first-year needs with scented candles and bath oils I am still trying to figure out!
After diligently making our lists, the Younger Son and I headed out to the big box store nirvana in our area. We managed to procure all of the major items, and a few of the minor ones as well. It was due in no small part to a patient mother and a hungry son, who was promised sushi at the end of our excursion if he behaved like an active participant. My friends with daughters heading off in the fall, tell me tales of their girls wanting to act like underaged decorators, outfitting their dorm rooms with everything from new linens to carpets and lamps. My son--he was happy to have a new pillow!! I should be proud. I have raised a no-frills, utilitarian, bare-bones kind of kid who cares more about his classroom supplies than his living quarters. If stores were relying on Younger Son to pad their "back to school' bottom-lines, they were looking in the wrong direction. Believe me, we made a dent in our VISA card, but it could have been a lot worse. My guess is that we have not yet seen the end of it and that more is coming. Until then, I think I will be content with the Halloween candy that I found on sale during our shopping excursion. Only 2 1/2 months until the trick or treaters show up!!!
Friday, 15 August 2008
Women Deserve Better
This is powerful and thought-provoking! Loved the delivery and the subject matter. From the Individual World Poetry Slam Finals in 2006!
Here Comes Stop the Stupid!!
As I sit here watching some inane soccer match between Canada and the U.S, (which in and of itself is kind of stupid) I am ruminating on the absolute panic that seems to be taking place here in the home country over our lack of medal prowess at these games. I cannot understand why anybody is surprised. I warned of just such an occurance in this space just before the games began. It is rather stupid, however to watch and listen to the daily roll of Canadian accomplishments touting finishes in the bottom third of every single event! Ah well! In typical Canuck fashion we are remorseful, resigned, and resilient. Here are a few more Stop the Stupid items to help spruce up your weekend.
1. Staying on the Olympic theme, it seems to me that everyone is missing the point about the young Chinese girl who was outed as a lip-syncher. The media was aghast that such a deception was played on the world audience and the idea that the little girl whose face was seen was not the actual singer. The main stream media fell all over themselves to remind us of recent deceptions like Ashlee Simpson fudging her performance on Saturday Night Live or the scandal of Milli Vanilli. I do not think that the lip-synching of the song is the real problem. The real stupidity lies in the fact that the singer whose voice was heard, was deemed inappropriate due to her appearance. In other words, she wasn't pretty enough. The Chinese have defended this switch as being in "national interests". I am constantly sickened and amazed at the stupidity of adults foisting their ideas of beauty onto children. We need to teach our children to recognize their beauty. Worrying about the lip-synching is not seeing the proverbial forest for the trees.
2. My hometown has suffered through a brutal week. The explosion that rocked the city 6 days ago is still wreaking havoc on area residents. Some people were still denied access to their homes as of yesterday and it looks like at least a half a dozen homes closest to the blast site will be deemed uninhabitable. The Mount Sinai cemetery, where many of us in the Jewish community have relatives remains closed while the damage is being assessed and concerns of asbestos contamination is prompting parents to worry about the safety of two schools in the area due to begin classes in a few short weeks. Residents and their local councillor almost came to blows a couple of days ago, while the fire department, public health and safety management officials search for answers. And where is the mayor? Well, after a brief appearance at a press conference on Monday morning, it seems His Honour has flown back to the west coast to rejoin his family on vacation. I don't know what he was thinking. The city is in a leadership vacuum during a most tenuous time and the mayor is frolicking in B.C!! I admit that I have never been a big fan, but I also know that Mr. Mayor could never before have been accused of abandoning his people during a time of crisis. I cannot believe how stupid it is that neither he, nor the premier (who is in Beijing!) is here to provide some leadership during this miserable time.
3. In all of the voyeuristic and smarmy hubbub over the John Edwards extra-marital affair, comes one little bit of stupidity that I am actually interested in commenting about. During his "mea culpa" interview last week with ABC news, Mr. Edwards (he of the recently failed presidential campaign) wanted to make it clear to all who were listening that his little side-journey from marital fidelity did not take place while his wife was battling cancer and it was over long before her grim diagnosis. So let me get this straight, it is okay to cheat on your wife while she is healthy, but not okay while she is sick? I could not care less about the sexual proclivities of any of these jackasses and I truly believe it obscures from the important work that needs to be done, but honestly!!! These guys are beyond stupid. They actually are starting to sicken me.
4. I have relegated the Commander of Stupid to a bit further down the list, because believe it or not it is easy to forget about him when he spends 10 days in the Far East. But, he didn't disappoint. "First of all, I don't see America having problems." He spouted this gem during an interview with NBC's Bob Costas on August 10th. Oh, really Mr. Pres? No problems? What about rising unemployment, gas prices, food prices, the uninsured, infrastructure, America's reputation abroad and a little thing called war? The man lives in a bubble all his own. As if that weren't bad enough, he was also caught ogling the beach volleyballers. Check out this or this! Kind of sleazy if not stupid.
5. MIchael Phelps eats 12,000 calories a day! Yes. You read that correctly. !2,000 calories a day. To put that in perspective, the average man eats between 2500 and 3000 calories a day and even that is probably too much to maintain a normal and healthy weight. Have you seen Michael Phelps? The man is a perfect athletic specimen and he eats 12,000 calories a day. I cannot begin to even comprehend what that must feel like. I realize that his training burns off all of it, but it boggles the mind. This is not necessarily a stupid unless any of us try to emulate Michael Phelps and gorge on 12,000 calories a day. Remember this little tidbit before trying this at home--MIchael Phelps is a freak of nature!! The vast majority of us just think of 12,000 calories and gain weight. I know that all I have to do is imagine his menu and my thighs get bigger. Don't be stupid!! Eat healthy, exercise in moderation and understand the difference between world-class athletes and the rest of us peons.
6. One of my all time favourite singers, Jackson Browne is suing the McCain campaign for using his song "Running on Empty" in a campaign commercial without permission. Mr. Browne is pissed that not only is he not being compensated, but he is a lifelong Democrat and doesn't want himself or his work associated with this campaign. Isn't Mr. McCain a U.S senator? Doesn't he know and understand copyright laws? Doesn't he have people working for him who might get it? Classically stupid!!!
7. Finally, I have long been a watcher of one specific newscast here in the Big Smoke. For many years, this news organization has employed the services of one reporter who acts as the "Consumer Advocate". The idea is that he is "on your side" and if you have problems with unscrupulous vendors or poor products he will expose it and solve the problem. Lately, this has not been the case. The reporter seems to rely on canned reports from Consumer's Report and he passes them off as if he created the segment. Not only that, while he does an adequate job of highlighting the issues, he never seems to solve any problem. What good is calling the consumer advocate if he can't rectify the trouble? I really don't care to know that nothing can be done. I want to know that you fixed it!! It is time to stop with the stupid and utterly useless reports and get a consumer advocate who can make waves! Just my two cents!!
Have a wonderful weekend-hopefully with sunshine!
Shabbat Shalom to all who observe.
1. Staying on the Olympic theme, it seems to me that everyone is missing the point about the young Chinese girl who was outed as a lip-syncher. The media was aghast that such a deception was played on the world audience and the idea that the little girl whose face was seen was not the actual singer. The main stream media fell all over themselves to remind us of recent deceptions like Ashlee Simpson fudging her performance on Saturday Night Live or the scandal of Milli Vanilli. I do not think that the lip-synching of the song is the real problem. The real stupidity lies in the fact that the singer whose voice was heard, was deemed inappropriate due to her appearance. In other words, she wasn't pretty enough. The Chinese have defended this switch as being in "national interests". I am constantly sickened and amazed at the stupidity of adults foisting their ideas of beauty onto children. We need to teach our children to recognize their beauty. Worrying about the lip-synching is not seeing the proverbial forest for the trees.
2. My hometown has suffered through a brutal week. The explosion that rocked the city 6 days ago is still wreaking havoc on area residents. Some people were still denied access to their homes as of yesterday and it looks like at least a half a dozen homes closest to the blast site will be deemed uninhabitable. The Mount Sinai cemetery, where many of us in the Jewish community have relatives remains closed while the damage is being assessed and concerns of asbestos contamination is prompting parents to worry about the safety of two schools in the area due to begin classes in a few short weeks. Residents and their local councillor almost came to blows a couple of days ago, while the fire department, public health and safety management officials search for answers. And where is the mayor? Well, after a brief appearance at a press conference on Monday morning, it seems His Honour has flown back to the west coast to rejoin his family on vacation. I don't know what he was thinking. The city is in a leadership vacuum during a most tenuous time and the mayor is frolicking in B.C!! I admit that I have never been a big fan, but I also know that Mr. Mayor could never before have been accused of abandoning his people during a time of crisis. I cannot believe how stupid it is that neither he, nor the premier (who is in Beijing!) is here to provide some leadership during this miserable time.
3. In all of the voyeuristic and smarmy hubbub over the John Edwards extra-marital affair, comes one little bit of stupidity that I am actually interested in commenting about. During his "mea culpa" interview last week with ABC news, Mr. Edwards (he of the recently failed presidential campaign) wanted to make it clear to all who were listening that his little side-journey from marital fidelity did not take place while his wife was battling cancer and it was over long before her grim diagnosis. So let me get this straight, it is okay to cheat on your wife while she is healthy, but not okay while she is sick? I could not care less about the sexual proclivities of any of these jackasses and I truly believe it obscures from the important work that needs to be done, but honestly!!! These guys are beyond stupid. They actually are starting to sicken me.
4. I have relegated the Commander of Stupid to a bit further down the list, because believe it or not it is easy to forget about him when he spends 10 days in the Far East. But, he didn't disappoint. "First of all, I don't see America having problems." He spouted this gem during an interview with NBC's Bob Costas on August 10th. Oh, really Mr. Pres? No problems? What about rising unemployment, gas prices, food prices, the uninsured, infrastructure, America's reputation abroad and a little thing called war? The man lives in a bubble all his own. As if that weren't bad enough, he was also caught ogling the beach volleyballers. Check out this or this! Kind of sleazy if not stupid.
5. MIchael Phelps eats 12,000 calories a day! Yes. You read that correctly. !2,000 calories a day. To put that in perspective, the average man eats between 2500 and 3000 calories a day and even that is probably too much to maintain a normal and healthy weight. Have you seen Michael Phelps? The man is a perfect athletic specimen and he eats 12,000 calories a day. I cannot begin to even comprehend what that must feel like. I realize that his training burns off all of it, but it boggles the mind. This is not necessarily a stupid unless any of us try to emulate Michael Phelps and gorge on 12,000 calories a day. Remember this little tidbit before trying this at home--MIchael Phelps is a freak of nature!! The vast majority of us just think of 12,000 calories and gain weight. I know that all I have to do is imagine his menu and my thighs get bigger. Don't be stupid!! Eat healthy, exercise in moderation and understand the difference between world-class athletes and the rest of us peons.
6. One of my all time favourite singers, Jackson Browne is suing the McCain campaign for using his song "Running on Empty" in a campaign commercial without permission. Mr. Browne is pissed that not only is he not being compensated, but he is a lifelong Democrat and doesn't want himself or his work associated with this campaign. Isn't Mr. McCain a U.S senator? Doesn't he know and understand copyright laws? Doesn't he have people working for him who might get it? Classically stupid!!!
7. Finally, I have long been a watcher of one specific newscast here in the Big Smoke. For many years, this news organization has employed the services of one reporter who acts as the "Consumer Advocate". The idea is that he is "on your side" and if you have problems with unscrupulous vendors or poor products he will expose it and solve the problem. Lately, this has not been the case. The reporter seems to rely on canned reports from Consumer's Report and he passes them off as if he created the segment. Not only that, while he does an adequate job of highlighting the issues, he never seems to solve any problem. What good is calling the consumer advocate if he can't rectify the trouble? I really don't care to know that nothing can be done. I want to know that you fixed it!! It is time to stop with the stupid and utterly useless reports and get a consumer advocate who can make waves! Just my two cents!!
Have a wonderful weekend-hopefully with sunshine!
Shabbat Shalom to all who observe.
Thursday, 14 August 2008
I Hear the Caged Birds Singing--In My Sleep!!
I have never really understood the attraction of keeping birds as pets. Ok! I will admit that they are pretty to look at and there seems to be a certain weird attraction associated with peering through a cage at a grounded parakeet. It is almost like we are saying to the poor creature, "Look where you are and look where I am!! I can go wherever I want and you are stuck without so much as a wing flap to keep you happy!" Bird people seem intent on creating their own home zoos!! And we wonder why birds don't like to be cuddled like a dog or cat!! In my opinion, birds are meant to fly, (unless they are penguins or turkeys!) and keeping them in a cage defies the basic laws of nature. So, it was with some mild trepidation that I attended my weekly choir rehearsal last evening. Allow me some elucidation.
Our synagogue choir is deep into the throes of High Holiday rehearsals. We are a small organization, and thus we do not have access to our rental space during the dog days of summer. In past years we have rehearsed in members homes, but over the last couple of summers, we have been welcomed at a local senior residence. It is a win/win proposition. The residence provides us with a wonderful room in which to rehearse and in return, we offer some entertainment to the residents. Over the past three years, we have befriended a group of seniors who regularly join us for our rehearsals. They get to hear many advance performances of Kol Nidre and we get to practice free of charge. It has even spilled over into other programs within the shul, in that we now hold our Shabbat morning summer services at the residence as well, and a strong core of regulars have been melded into our synagogue community. All was right with the arrangement until this year. You see, this year the senior's building has procured some new communal mascots--three parakeets! One blue, one green and one white. They reside in two separate cages in the common room in which we rehearse. Why two cages? Well, it seems as though the little green guy is a mean motherf$#@$r, and doesn't play well with his peers. Apparently he attacks first and bites later!! I assume that these little friends have been well-received by the residents and they seem to have found a permanent home. The problem for us, is that they are noisy little bastards. You see, parakeets sing! It seems to be what they do. They sing ALL THE TIME! They don't shut up. It is a constant din and when one starts, the others seem to chime in even louder. As background white noise it isn't an issue, but when you are trying to master the harmonies of Rossi, Lewandowski and Friedman it can get a bit irritating. Like fingernails on a chalkboard irritating. Worse still, the louder we sing, the louder they sing. They seem particularly partial to the deeper and more resonant alto parts, which by coincidence is what I sing!! And, they have a terrible intonation problem!! If they would only sing on key, I might be more forgiving. Our accompanist, who is inflicted with perfect pitch is ready to pull out his hair. By the time that I started attending the rehearsals, the choir had already come to terms with the feathery little shits. I am not nearly as tolerant. I literally could not concentrate on my work. One of the members suggested that if we cover their cages, we might be able to fool them into thinking that it was bed time and they would go to sleep. HA!! There is no deceiving these descendants of Satan. They simply sang louder until we were forced to acquiesce to their will. Last evening, our cellist joined us for rehearsal and as he began his introduction to Avinu Malkeinu, the trio chimed in--perfectly dissonant!!! It was so bad, I missed my first note. I am now hearing these buggers in my sleep. What to do? They live there, we are just visiting. I am starting to craft elaborate bird muzzles in my dreams. Tiny little Hannibal Lechter-like gizmos that will silence the caged wonders. If any of you bird-lovers out there has a more humane solution, I am ready, willing and able! I wonder what parakeet tastes like. Chicken, anyone?
Our synagogue choir is deep into the throes of High Holiday rehearsals. We are a small organization, and thus we do not have access to our rental space during the dog days of summer. In past years we have rehearsed in members homes, but over the last couple of summers, we have been welcomed at a local senior residence. It is a win/win proposition. The residence provides us with a wonderful room in which to rehearse and in return, we offer some entertainment to the residents. Over the past three years, we have befriended a group of seniors who regularly join us for our rehearsals. They get to hear many advance performances of Kol Nidre and we get to practice free of charge. It has even spilled over into other programs within the shul, in that we now hold our Shabbat morning summer services at the residence as well, and a strong core of regulars have been melded into our synagogue community. All was right with the arrangement until this year. You see, this year the senior's building has procured some new communal mascots--three parakeets! One blue, one green and one white. They reside in two separate cages in the common room in which we rehearse. Why two cages? Well, it seems as though the little green guy is a mean motherf$#@$r, and doesn't play well with his peers. Apparently he attacks first and bites later!! I assume that these little friends have been well-received by the residents and they seem to have found a permanent home. The problem for us, is that they are noisy little bastards. You see, parakeets sing! It seems to be what they do. They sing ALL THE TIME! They don't shut up. It is a constant din and when one starts, the others seem to chime in even louder. As background white noise it isn't an issue, but when you are trying to master the harmonies of Rossi, Lewandowski and Friedman it can get a bit irritating. Like fingernails on a chalkboard irritating. Worse still, the louder we sing, the louder they sing. They seem particularly partial to the deeper and more resonant alto parts, which by coincidence is what I sing!! And, they have a terrible intonation problem!! If they would only sing on key, I might be more forgiving. Our accompanist, who is inflicted with perfect pitch is ready to pull out his hair. By the time that I started attending the rehearsals, the choir had already come to terms with the feathery little shits. I am not nearly as tolerant. I literally could not concentrate on my work. One of the members suggested that if we cover their cages, we might be able to fool them into thinking that it was bed time and they would go to sleep. HA!! There is no deceiving these descendants of Satan. They simply sang louder until we were forced to acquiesce to their will. Last evening, our cellist joined us for rehearsal and as he began his introduction to Avinu Malkeinu, the trio chimed in--perfectly dissonant!!! It was so bad, I missed my first note. I am now hearing these buggers in my sleep. What to do? They live there, we are just visiting. I am starting to craft elaborate bird muzzles in my dreams. Tiny little Hannibal Lechter-like gizmos that will silence the caged wonders. If any of you bird-lovers out there has a more humane solution, I am ready, willing and able! I wonder what parakeet tastes like. Chicken, anyone?
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