Sunday, 17 November 2013

I Don't Get It

I promise that today's post is a total coincidence.

I had been collecting notes for this particular piece for over a week when suddenly I read the following on a friend's Facebook status.

"Name three things you will never, ever, ever understand."

Oh my God! I was going to write about that. Honestly!

I want my friend to know that I swear I am not trying to plagiarize from her or attempting to steal her idea or thunder. I guess the cosmos is sending both of us some strange-assed juju to have so wanted this topic put out in the ether.

I have been spending a considerable amount of time lately trying to figure out the how and why of certain occurrences in the universe. I mean, c'mon. I live in the Greater Toronto Area. If these last few weeks and months haven't given tremendous rise to the "I will never understand this shit" mantra, nothing will. But aside from the obvious thoughts of why do bad things happen to good people, I thought that I would lighten the mood slightly with a few things in our modern world that I will never truly understand.

1. The popularity and celebrity worship of William Shatner. If this makes me a bad Canadian, then so be it. I simply cannot stand watching the man. If you want to see how a real Starship Enterprise captain behaves, just look at Jean-Luc Picard. Now there's leadership with sex appeal.

2. Lining up in sub-zero temperatures to purchase the latest and greatest _________________. Usually we are talking about fan boys here, but is it really necessary to camp out in front of some megastore for days in advance just to be one of the first in the world to play with some newfangled electronic device? Will waiting a few weeks make you any less a geek? (And I ask that question lovingly as a parent and spouse of geeks who never camped out for their video games or phones.)

3. The excitement over the return of the McRib. Every year this elusive sandwich seems to have North American fast-food palates all atwitter. Now I realize that I am speaking from the perspective of a vegetarian, but why would anybody want to eat anything that starts out looking like this?

Doesn't it remind you of the childhood board game Operation?

4. Slasher movies. I will never quite comprehend spending ten bucks or more to watch some psycho in hockey gear machete everybody in town. Please do not compare these films with suspense flicks or dramas. Hitchcock was a genius and even I can see the artistic merit in something like Aliens. I am talking about any gory and grotesque movie that has a sequel number approaching double digits. Yes Saw 7, I'm talking to you.

5. Chronic lateness. I get it. Everybody has a bad day or two, but to be continually tardy shows an incredible lack of self-awareness and it is unbelievably selfish to all of those affected by it. And believe me, others are ALWAYS affected by it. Whether it be the patrons at the theatre whom you disturb, the coworkers left waiting to begin a long scheduled meeting, or friends just left hanging, a persistent lack of punctuality is unfathomable to me. Buy a watch and use it.

These are a few of the things in my world that I will simply never get. Please feel free to add your own in the comments section. I am truly interested.

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