Monday, 28 December 2009

Every Single Day I am Reminded That I am OLD!

I figured that I couldn't allow my birthday to go by without some kind of recognition. We have been continually inundated over the last few weeks with lists of the best and worst of the decade of zero and of 2009 specifically, so I thought it only appropriate to offer up a quick hit list of my own that will bring into better focus how I know that I am closer to fifty than forty. Happy f@#$ing Birthday to me!

  1. I know that I am old because I do not for the life of me understand the allure of American/Canadian Idol. When did it become okay to accept canned shit for music entertainment? From what I have been able to garner from the brief snippets that cross my screen as I am waiting for Bones or House to start, is that very few of these poor deluded souls can actually sing and that the image that they are trying to project is nothing short of hideous. Where is the real musical talent for the new millennium going to come from if we the viewing and listening public keep relying on Simon Cowell to spew it? I pine for real musicians-you all know who they are!
  2. I know that I am old because body art is lost on me. I realize that I covered this in a previous post so I will not rant for too long, but honestly? I saw a guy the other day in Miami with sleeves tattooed on his arms! In glorious technicolour! My boys tell me it is the age of self-expression. I think it is the age of stupidity.
  3. I know that I am closer to 50 than 40 because I have yet to recognize the obsolescence of the land-line telephone. Both of my boys have forgone the old telecommunications model, and rely solely on their cells. They are not unusual amongst their generation. I still cannot get past the idea that a blackout will one day soon re-affect the entire eastern seaboard and the only way of getting a message through to loved ones will be on the old analogue plug-in that The Husband and I keep locked away safely in the front hall closet. In the words of the Boy Scouts "Be Prepared"!
  4. I realize that I am old because I spend most of my time at B'nai Mitzvah parties in the foyer or the hall avoiding the ear-splitting thump of the horrid dance music that emanates from the gadgets of the already hearing-impaired DJs, who seem to forget who pays the bills and blithely ignore our pleas for level decibels. To all of you who are coming up on parties for your new teens: I highly recommend a kid's-only bash. Us old farts can't handle the noise.
  5. I know that I am old because I would rather see a good movie with great acting and a wonderful story than be wowed by special effects. I have been told by many people, including Older Son that Avatar is an unbelievable movie-going experience that will change film-making forever, but that the story is merely adequate. Call me crazy, but I would rather watch Meryl Streep act her ass off, than have her upstaged by computer generated effects.
  6. I get it! I am old! I know this because Lady Gaga is a poor woman's Madonna to me, I am wholly uninterested in the Kardashians, (who the hell are these people?) and I have absolutely no interest whatsoever in the lives of any real housewives from any city in the lower 48.
  7. I know that I am old because I have already come to the unmistakable conclusion that no matter how much I cut back on carbs, sugar, calories, taste, or food in general, and no matter how many hours I spend sweating and toning in the gym, I will NEVER EVER EVER look like any cover girl on any magazine on any stand in the Western Hemisphere. Why? Because I know (age will do this to you!) that all of these images are unattainable as a result of photo-shopping, plastic surgery and botox. Even the 60 year olds are touched and retouched, so I can't even look at the "mature" women's rags without puking. Love yourself is my motto, and f@*& what is unreachable.
  8. I know that I am old because I hate the term "cougar" and any other such moniker that demeans women of my age. What is wrong with women enjoying and dating younger men? Old guys with young hotties on their arms have been the norm for decades. Nobody called these dirty old bastards something as offensive as cougar. I am open for suggestions. Anybody got an equally ugly moniker for an old fart who needs several Viagra in order to get it on with his cradle-snatched mate?
  9. I know that I am closer to 50 than 40 because I still like to receive snail mail. Don't get me wrong, I am an avid user of e-mail and I like to text, but there is still something really special about receiving a letter, card or thank you note in the mailbox. And while I am on the subject, thank you notes should always be handwritten, personalized and sent out within weeks of the occasion. (YUP! I am old!!!) On the other hand, junk mail is worse when delivered because it is truly a colossal waste of paper.
  10. Finally, I realize that I am old because every meal is an adventure in some new stomach issue. I used to have a cast-iron stomach, but that all changed as I entered middle-age. Dairy, heavy sauces, some raw vegetables, certain ethnic dishes and legumes will undoubtedly increase the likelihood that I will spend copious amounts of my time in the lavatory. What a wonderful way to approach my next decade.

It should be noted that my birthday is only my 47th and that I still have a few years to go before I hit the golden age, but I have noticed lately that 50 seems much closer in the windshield than 40 does in the rearview. While I hope to embrace tomorrow and every birthday which I am blessed with with verve and excitement, there is a strange sense of foreboding that comes over me when I realize that I am now in a new age range on the surveys, that I am close to being able to get into a movie in Miami as a senior, that I am fearful of driving at night because of the strange halos that I see around street lights, and that I am the same age tomorrow that my mother was when she first became a grandmother! (Not that I want to be a grandmother, gentlemen!!) 47 is starting to sound pretty good. Happy Birthday to me!!


  1. Happy Birthday! May you celebrate 47 more as well!

  2. I'm right there with you (a little closer 48)and all I can say is, ditto!
    Happy Birthday!

  3. I know that I am old because, who is this Lady Gaga person you referred to? Actually I was upset when I realized how much closer I was to "senior" movie tickets than I was to "student" movie tickets. That was discouraging until I realized that 47 is the new 35. So Happy 35th Birthday.