Wednesday, 3 June 2009

Ten Things I Have Discovered While Felled By the Plague!

With total deference to David Letterman and his Late Show writers, and because 3 1/2 days of flu has left me with incapacitated brain function and powers of originality, I give you the ten things that I have discovered about my world while being laid up. Here they are in no particular order. 
  1. Just when you think that you are at your most disgusting, along comes some new and unwanted physiological episode that reminds you that more disgusting is yet to come. Without getting into gruesome and gory details, suffice it to say that the human body can produce some ugly byproducts.
  2. A fever in a child seems to be a minor inconvenience, but in an adult it can be the source of true misery. If it is possible for hair to hurt, then mine does. The bottoms of my feet tingle and my knees want to bend inwards. Lifting a spoon is a challenging exercise as exhaustion reigns in every pore of my body. 
  3. Ice cream is truly the nectar of the gods. Nothing tastes right and eating is a foreign concept at the moment, with the marked exception of ice cream. Maybe it is in the coolness or maybe it is in the smoothness of the texture, but ice cream is all that I can manage to keep down. Being lactose intolerant has limited my choices somewhat, but there is a reason that this wonder treat is labelled comfort food. My personal favourite today is Chapman's Neopolitan.
  4. My voice sounds like a combination between Demi Moore and Mel Brooks. That husky, sultry sound one gets when nearly hacking up a lung is not as sexy as you might think. I make noises of which Linda Blair in the Exorcist would have been proud.
  5. Being trapped in the house 24/7 for the past 4 days has only made me realize how many chores have been left undone and unfortunately, I can't attend to any of them. The carpets need cleaning, the Older Son's room remains unpacked, the laundry pile is starting to take on life forms of its own and the office requires reorganization. All the while, all I can do is stare blankly at the walls and hope that I don't pass out on my way to the bathroom.
  6. Unwanted solicitations become even more unwanted when one has a fever of 39.5 C! If Yak Canada calls one more time to try and collect a bill that doesn't exist or if one more prick comes to the door and tries to push Direct Energy on me, I just might have to go postal on their asses. If I want you or your lame-ass products, I know where to find you, so stay the fuck off of my property and off of my phone!
  7. Did you know that Luke is still on General Hospital? 30 something years is a long time even by soap opera standards. I figured that he would have retired by now and judging by the story line I have been watching, he probably should have.
  8. We all need somebody to take care of us. When we were kids, Mom and Dad played the role of nursemaid and catered to our every need, but as adults we are expected to take care of ourselves. It seems rather unfair and slightly ridiculous, but it is the natural order of the universe. Thank God for The Husband. He has hovered, worried, run errands, rubbed my back, nagged at me to call the doctor and been an all-around good guy. (GOOD GUYS DO FINISH FIRST!!) He even left the vodka production business in the middle of the day so that he could pick up my prescriptions, thus ensuring I wouldn't have to leave the house and risk infecting the entire north Jewish ghetto. My wish for all of you is that you should find somebody just as decent and caring. I am disgusting and he still loves me.
  9. It is amazing how I can wear the same hideous sweatshirt and sweatpants for 4 consecutive days and not feel in the least bit self-conscious about it. 
  10. In spite of my best germaphobic intentions; constant hand washing, intensive use of hand sanitizer,  avoidance behaviour in terms of outside human contact i.e. hand holding, kissing etc, I still managed to contract this plague. It just goes to show that if the bug wants to find you it will. Still, we should all be vigilant in our attempts to halt the spread of this and all viruses, so please for all of your sake: Wash your hands regularly, make use of anti-bacterials, and avoid touching possibly germ laden surfaces. The extra effort is worth it, unless of course you want to be feeling like I have for the last few days. Crap is a pretty good definition. See you on the flip side.


  1. Sorry your feeling "under the weather". I can't believe that if I turn on "All My Children" all the same characters seem to still be around, but Tad now has gray hair!
    Feel better soon!

  2. Feel better soon.
    And when you do, there's money to be made in posters or T-shirts with your quote:
    "If I want you or your lame-ass products, I know where to find you, so stay the fuck off of my property and off of my phone!"
    All the best.

  3. This is a sublime fucking post.