Wednesday, 11 March 2009

Who Let the Dogs Out?

I am not quite certain whether the following anecdote is disturbing, empowering, hilarious, or maybe a strange combination of all three. Maybe you all can help me decide.

Today is one of those days in the southern climate that makes me wonder what God was thinking when deciding to create snow. It is truly a day touched by the hand of the Almighty; warm temperatures, a slight salty breeze and a sky with more blues in it than a B.B King album. Since I am ardently and reverently procrastinating my learning of a new piece of music, I thought that I would spend a few hours reading and recreating by the pool. I was definitely in my element. I had my iPod tuned to James' latest and greatest, a new novel filled with southern comfort and, miraculously enough, an entire pool to myself. I was in snowbird heaven and feeling particularly blessed, given that the past several days have been filled with external challenges. 

Within a half an hour, I was joined in my reverie by two others wanting to enjoy the day. The elderly gentleman to my right was down for his daily swim, and after he was done soaking up the water, decided to soak up some sun. He came prepared with a novel the size of a doorstop and sun-blocking googles so as not to be distracted or disturbed. We greeted each other politely, but it was clear that neither of us was in a particularly chatty mood, and we left each other to our respective books. The elderly lady to my left was a different story. She made her way down to the pool area, struggling mightily with her four-post cane. She is obviously coming off of some kind of surgery and requires the cane for balance. She waved off my offers of help, determined to see herself over to a cot. It was only after she had settled herself, did I really take full notice of her. She is approximately 80-85 years of age with a shock of grey/white hair. She is small in stature, yet possesses an oddly shaped body that is strangely oblong around the middle, almost as if she swallowed a football. Far be it from me to comment on any other person's body type or shape, but this was quite out of the ordinary. Not only that, the lovely woman was wearing a low cut, high legged, white bikini! Ok, I thought. She is so very comfortable with her self-image, who am I to argue. Actually I was quite impressed. I wished I could be as relaxed in my own skin. But, then the unthinkable occurred. My cot-mate decided that she was far too hot to sit out any longer, and she made her way over to the pool steps. Only then did I notice that she had unfastened her top to avoid the dreaded tan lines. Holding onto her bikini top with one hand and her cane with the other, left her no hand to balance herself down into the water. She couldn't have cared less. The top was discarded and came to rest just underneath her two "girls".  Ladies, have you ever done the pencil test? You know the one, don't you? The test whereby we take notice of how gravity has played havoc with our bodies? Well, this woman's boobs were hanging down so low, she was able to sustain her bathing suit top underneath them. A multitude of expressive images came to mind immediately, but none that should be shared on this PG rated blog. The old guy beside me was a hoot. He tried to pretend that he wasn't looking, but he failed miserably. I was worried about his cardiac care and I wondered about the location of the defibrillator. He immediately flipped over onto his stomach so as to avoid eye contact. (I need to think that this was the reason. Viagra came into my head and I truly think that I need a bleaching of the brain and a retinal burn!!) 

Ok, folks! Disturbing? On many levels!! Empowering? It would be nice not to give a shit about one's body! Hilarious? Absolutely, but not because of the naked old lady with the droopy boobs, but because of the old guy who still gets turned on by them. Let me know your thoughts. I am fascinated to know what you think.

1 comment:

  1. What an interesting story. Plays right to the old saying that the biggest sexual organ is your brain. Maybe same-age boobs look good no matter what. Maybe the gent was turned on by the idea of what else a woman who would expose herself with such abandon would do.
    In either case, it certainly is wreaking havoc with a pet theory of mine. Since Ontario made it perfectly legal for women to appear topless in public, not many people have done so. I've always secretly hoped that our older women with less magazine-perfect perky boobs would lead the way, and maybe break down some of the mystique of breasts as inherently sexual. So - maybe not!