Tuesday, 3 November 2015

It's Official. We're All Related

My sister-in-law (I have affectionally dubbed her The Yin to The Lil' Bro's Yang) is not into social media at all. The whole experience bores her to tears. She has a Facebook page but she only has three friends, her kids. She registered when they were young teenagers so that she might watch out for the pond scum that inevitably inhabits these sites. As they have transitioned into adulthood, she has simply abandoned the page.

That isn't to say that she isn't remarkably internet savvy. As keeper of the family archives, she has been incredibly active on one of those fancy genealogy sites, the pro edition. For the past several years, she has spent her free time constructing elaborate family trees and discovering long-lost relations. The constant merging of kinsmen into new branches is her social media experience. I suppose that she prefers interactions with the mostly deceased to those of the mostly living. Honestly, I don't judge.

But, she is great at it. She has found relatives in places that we never knew existed. She has uncovered photographs, documentation, and connections that have simply defied expectations. Our family tree now consists of hundreds, if not thousands, of individuals from all over the globe. For an Ashkenazi Jewish family that lost so many souls in the Holocaust, this genealogical rediscovery is life-affirming. It actually says to us that we will go on. We will survive.

But I think that her hobby has devolved into some form of theatre of the absurd. This past weekend, she must have had some time on her hands. For reasons known only to her, she sent The Husband an email detailing that she had found a link between him and Twin Son.

**Some history is required. I had very good reasons for dubbing The Husband's partner and best friend Twin Son. Aside from sharing a name, (both first and middle) the two of them are so very much alike in character and demeanour. The business that they started together grew out of mutual loves and interests. I initially called them Twin Sons of Different Mothers and his nickname grew from there.**

But...related? Um...no!

Until Sunday, that is.

She sent the following link from her genealogy search. I have blacked out the names to protect the guilty. Because I really suck at all things photoshop, I was unable to fix one detail. This line is from her perspective, so she is the "you" at the head of the profile. If you put The Husband in that slot, and substitute "your wife" (that's me) for "your husband" (that's my Lil' Bro) as the second connection, the rest is absolutely equal.

If you are having trouble reading the connection as ascribed at the top it goes like this.

Twin Son is your wife's first cousin twice removed's wife's niece's husband's uncle's wife's nephew.

Read it again.

And again.

Got it yet?


Me neither.

I have read the f***ing thing dozens of times and I still don't get it. 

The only thing that this absurdity proves conclusively is that all Jews, no matter who they are, are related to one another. Yup. We have finally achieved maximum redneckedness. We are all marrying our cousins and there isn't a damn thing any of us can do about it. Bring on those genetically-infused diseases. We are obviously a doomed species. 

I think that this stupidity shows unquestionably that we have reached peak saturation when it comes to social media. When we all can categorically state that we are Twin Sons of Different Mothers it is time to give up the ghost.  

1 comment:

  1. I'm pretty sure I know the site you're talking about! I had a free trial of the Pro version, and I did get to connect the dots and find a lot of long lost relatives. Then my dad and I had hours of fun discovering we were related to Abraham Lincoln, Hitler, Paul McCartney, Obama, and all sorts of random people from history. I was dubious that it could be real... but I suppose it makes sense somehow!