The Husband and I are jetting off today on a quick jaunt to the land of quickie weddings and even quicker divorces, in order to yank my head out its yearly High Holiday preparation stupor. I think that he figured that a last minute trip to Vegas was cheaper than couple's counseling or a month long prescription for Valium for two! Anyway here I am, 30,000 feet over the "fly-over" states on an early-morning to Denver, hoping against hope that we don't miss our extremely tight connection into the glorious heat of a Nevada summer. It has always struck a discordant nerve with me that even after over 100 years of passenger air travel, many amongst us still haven't figured out how not to act like a boor in the air. (I kid you not, but just as I typed those words, the little girl in front of me just sneezed all over the place!!) So, in order to pass the time until we land in the Rockies, or until the massive turbulence makes typing once again impossible, I thought that I would regale you all with Dawn's dos and don'ts of air travel.
Do: Go through the process of acquiring a NEXUS card if you do any cross-boarder traveling between Canada and the United States. I know that I have been droning on about this marvelous little wonder for months now, but it is truly amazing how much time it can shave off of your airport experience. It eliminates much of the inanity and insanity. No more questions from power hungry assholes about how much money I make or what I do for a living. A quick iris scan and it is off to security, which leads me to.....
Don't: Think that you are allowed to take your 3 ounces of toothpaste on board with you in a regular sized 12 ounce tube. We actually waited 15 minutes behind some jack-off this morning who decided that his almost-squeezed out tube of Crest was carry-on worthy.
Do: Attempt to travel with only carry-on bags whenever possible. Airlines are notorious for losing or damaging luggage, and too much time is wasted waiting at the carousels. In these days of airline luggage fees, carrying on one's bag is both cheaper and more convenient. An appropriate and regulation sized roller suitcase can actually hold up to 2 weeks worth of personal items, including shoes. That said......
Don't: Try and bullshit us by trying to bring your regular luggage on board and then annoying all by complaining that it won't fit into the overhead bin. I have seen too many people attempt to bring oversized luggage, 3 suitbags, huge briefcases, and a purse onto a plane and then become indignant when the flight attendants inform them that their luggage will indeed have to be checked. And while we're at it......
Don't: Store your bag in an overhead bin that isn't at your seat. Too many boors think that they are being clever by hogging the spaces closest to the front of the plane to facilitate a quick departure, without realizing that this behavior means that others will have to store their bags far away from their seats, clogging up the aisles for all. Planes are designed to service all passengers. Don't f$&@ that up by being a selfish prick!
Do: Board the aircraft like a mensch and enter into your seat as if you were gaining access into an automobile-that is butt facing the seat.
Don't: Enter your row with your ass in the face of your aisle-mate or with your ass pushing against the back of the seat in front of you. You can set yourself up for your trip just fine without me having to feel or sniff your tuchas up close and personal!!!
Do: Use the armrests as support if you require help in getting in and out of your seat.
Don't: Use the top of the seat on front of you for support if you require help in getting in and out of your seat. I have had my hair pulled so many times I have lost count, not to mention that I might just be sleeping as you yank on me from behind. A bit of common courtesy is in order.
Do: Share the joys of travel with your children. Exposing kids to all that world has to off is a wondrous thing. Just.....
Don't: Share your kids with me. Look--I am incredibly tolerant of children and I do understand better than most, the difficulties in flying with kids, but please have mercy on the rest of us poor souls. DVD players should be plugged into headphones so that I don't have to listen to 3 hours of Barney. Your child should not be allowed to endlessly roam up and down the aisles, foisting their supposed "cuteness" on every unsuspecting shnook just attempting to survive the trip. Please change diapers promptly and privately, and for God's sake-show some backbone and discipline the little monsters when required. I have no problem traveling with kids-it's their parents that I can't stomach!!
That's all for now folks. More to come from Vegas!!
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