During a very strange and truly unsolicited conversation yesterday, the husband remarked how he has never been bequeathed with a nickname! Now, me being me, I think that this is a truly ok occurrence. I happen to think that nicknames are usually reserved for the lazy, (like W, who gives all of his staff nicknames because he simply does not have the mental capacity to remember their real names! "Brownie" did not do a heck of a job!!) the overly testosteroned, (like athletes with names like Babe, Whitey and Lefty!) and the criminal element! (like Lucky, Bugsy, Babyface and Scarface!) When taken in this context, I cannot understand why anyone would feel the need to have a nickname, but there is anyone and there is the husband, so in that vein I will try and bestow upon him a suitable extra moniker.
1. "Bernie"! In fairness, I have been calling him Bernie since high school. (Yes, we have know each other that long and longer!!) Bernie being a combination of his first and last names, always seemed to me to be a suitable term of endearment. The husband, on the other hand isn't crazy about it and think it makes him sound like an old Jewish man in South Florida who wears his trousers hiked up to his chin and eats at the "early bird" specials! I figure that in a few years he will be an old Jewish man in South Florida who wears his trousers hiked up to his chin and eats at the "early bird" specials, so this just saves us time!!
2. "Baldy"! This is actually a name that the older son bestowed upon the husband a few years back. Yes, it is rather obvious and really doesn't say much about the man himself, but it does offer a nickname that describes his physical appearance. Frankly, I hate nicknames that play on physicality. I don't much like it when people draw attention to my lack of height, (Hey Shorty!! Shortstuff, Little One!!) so this one just seems to border on cruel.
3. "Still"! This is a play on the names Steve (Jobs) and Bill (Gates)! The husband is a true computer whiz. Even as he tries to run from his previous incarnation as a techno-geek into other career paths, he cannot seem to escape his past. Among his other accomplishments in his new venture with Twin Son, he has created an entire business platform program unique to their whisky stuff, and their website. Twin Son's Better Half believes that even if the business doesn't do what they hope, they should be able to sell the software for big bucks. Still, "Still" somewhat traps him in a former life that he desperately would like to escape, so it doesn't really work. Neither do names like "Geek", "Nerd", "Techno-Wiz" etc...
4. "Insert masculine sexual title here"! I absolutely refuse to hang some publicly inappropriate label on my smart, good-looking and upstanding husband, no matter how gorgeous and sexy I believe him to be. Some things are better kept private!!!
So, I open it up to you, the readers to give the husband the nickname that he desperately seems to require to round out his masculinity. The rules are simple. The name needs to be descriptive, non-offensive (either ethnically or linguistically!) and something that you wouldn't mind your 80 year old grandmother hearing or saying. Please respond in the comments section of this post and I will post the clean ones! Have at it, folks!!